But Inside I'm Screaming

ever get that way.” She knows this is the highest form of flattery.

A look of true elation spreads across his wide face.

“Aw, Isabel,” he sighs, “you gotta try this place. It’s called Bobby D’s and it is so good I can smell it now, as I sit here talking to you. I’m telling you I can smell it now. You know what they do? They marinate the ribs overnight in this special sauce…”

Isabel smiles, pulls out another cigarette and lets Ben talk her ear off about ribs.

Sixty-Nine

“Larry, can I tell the group something?” Isabel says, after clearing her throat at the end of what will be her last group session.

“Sure, Isabel,” Larry says, knowing what Isabel is going to announce. “You’ve got the floor.”

Isabel inhales deeply and exhales.

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Across the room Regina softly moans. Sukanya stares into space. No one speaks.

“I wanted to tell you all because I know firsthand how it feels when someone doesn’t say goodbye and leaves abruptly,” she says, thinking of Lark. “It’s unsettling. And this is unsettling for me, too—saying goodbye to you. But I’d rather do it this way than just disappear.”

Silence.

Melanie is shaking her head.

Larry finally breaks the uncomfortable silence. “Does anyone want to say anything?”

“I knew it!” Melanie shouts. “I knew there was something more to your little room switch plan,” she says in a mocking voice.

“What are you talking about, Melanie?” Larry looks baffled.

“Melanie…” Isabel tries to soothe her.

“Don’t talk to me!” She will not be soothed. “For the rest of your time here, don’t talk to me!”

“But…” Isabel tries to interrupt Melanie’s melodramatic display.

“But, nothing,” she says. “Don’t talk to me.”

“Okay, all right,” Larry says, looking back and forth between Isabel and Melanie. “You two want to tell me what this is all about?”

“Isabel told me that I could switch rooms with her in the morning,” Melanie seethed. “I asked her point-blank why she would offer to do something like that for me and she said it was because we were friends. I knew there was another reason for it! I knew it! Now she’s leaving. Perfect. Just perfect.”

Melanie angrily folds her arms across her chest as if to say with body language, “that’s all I have to say about that.”

“Isabel?” Larry turns to her.

“Melanie, I’m sorry,” Isabel says. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth.”

“Why didn’t you?” Melanie asks, tears starting to roll down her face.

“I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I wasn’t ready to say out loud that I’m leaving, maybe. Or maybe I just wanted you to think I was a nice person. I don’t know. But I’m sorry, Melanie.”

Isabel looks down.

“Isabel, I’m sure the rest of the group joins me in wishing you the best of luck when you leave here.” Larry is smiling at her warmly. “Can we all get together and give Isabel a send-off?”

One by one Ben, Regina and finally, somewhat begrudgingly, Melanie get up and stand on all sides of Isabel’s chair.

“Okay, guys. Let’s all take a moment of silence and think good thoughts for Isabel,” Larry says, his voice coming from behind the group.

Isabel looks back down to her lap. She jumps when she feels the first hand on her shoulder but is filled with a tremendous sense of calm as other hands rest on her shoulders and upper back.

I’m never going to see these people again. The thought is, this time, connected with sadness, not with hope.

Before each hand leaves she feels tiny squeezes of support. Isabel swallows back a lump forming in her throat.

“Goodbye, Isabel.” Larry’s quiet voice breaks the silence. “Good luck.”

When Isabel glances up she looks across the room directly into Sukanya’s eyes. For a brief second, Sukanya seems to be focused on her, not drifting off into space. When Isabel blinks, Sukanya does, too… and then slowly looks away. Isabel knows that is Sukanya saying goodbye.

Seventy

Rounding the corner, she finds the gardener watering a bed of impatiens. She slows to a walk and stands for a moment watching as he gently moves the hose from side to side over the brightly colored blossoms. There is a contagious serenity about him that casts a spell on Isabel.

Now she has to break that spell.

Alex. Her job at ANN. For the first time in a very long time Isabel is thinking about her future. And for the first time in a very long time, she does not dread it. Lark, Kristen, Ben, Melanie, Regina, Keisha, Sukanya: their faces flash through her brain and then blur. She turns and looks back at the unit and closes her eyes. She knows it is time to leave.

“Hey,” she calls out as she resumes her jog toward the gardener. She has never learned his name. Without turning around he answers her. She can tell by the sound of his voice that he is smiling. Is it her imagination or does he sense she is leaving?

“Wa-hey, my friend.”

“It’s my last day here,” Isabel says as she jogs in place, aware that it will force real conversation were she to stand still. She wants to keep this light. She wants to keep moving forward.

“Good news, good news.” the gardener nods. He glances in her direction, but his arm continues to wave the hose over the thirsty flowers.

“Well, I’ll see you, I guess,” says Isabel, unsure of how to say goodbye.

“I hope not, my friend. I sure hope not,” he answers as she turns to jog back toward the unit.

“It’s a beautiful day, isn’t it?” she calls back to him, smiling to herself, knowing his answer.

“Ev’ry day’s a lovely day. Ev’ry day’s a lovely day.”

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

It is almost impossible for me to properly convey my gratitude to the following people for their tremendous support—both professional and personal—throughout the four years it took to complete this novel: Laura Dail, Mary Jane Clark, Stuart Horwitz, Susan Pezzack, Amy Moore-Benson, Jodie Chase, Jill Brack, Tres Mills, Liz Flock… I could not have done it without all of you.

And to my parents, whom I love deeply—thank you.

Praise for Elizabeth Flock’s debut novel