Petals from the Sky

karmic entanglements had kept me from doing much to comfort her after her attempted suicide.

One morning I took the MTR to Mong Kok, and from there changed to the train out to Golden Lotus Temple. I hurried past the stone garden and headed straight to Dai Nam’s dormitory. To my surprise, I found her room empty. Alarmed, I half ran to the temple’s new office compound to look for Enlightened to Emptiness. The young novice was arranging photographs of Guan Yin paintings on the desk. After we’d exchanged greetings and pleasantries, I plunged in and asked her about Dai Nam.

“The week after I came back from Chengdu, Wonderful Countenance Shifu left for China.”

“Why, what happened?”

“Nothing special. Shifu refuses to talk.” She frowned. “Shifu told us-in writing, I mean-that she wanted to go back to China to practice closed-door meditation.”

“Did she say exactly where she was going?”

“No, you know Shifu…but don’t worry, Miss Du. I’m sure she’ll turn up again someday.” Then she pointed to a photograph depicting a white-robed Guan Yin leaning on a rock by the river and asked, “You like this? This is Yi Kong Shifu’s favorite Guan Yin painting. She’s now in Suzhou. She said she’d see you later.”

I was not really listening and barely glanced at the picture. My heart started to pound. I hoped Dai Nam was not trying to imitate the now mummified Revealing Mystery, who hadn’t spoken, eaten, nor slept for her last fifteen years.

I thanked Enlightened to Emptiness, quickly left the office, and strolled to the stone garden. To relax, I inhaled the smell of the lush vegetation, appreciated the smoothly shaped stones, and listened to the poetic murmuring of the fountain. Then I realized I was not alone in the garden. The old woman, Chan Lan-Dai Nam’s great-aunt-was sitting on my favorite carp-viewing bench. My heart raced. Maybe she knew where Dai Nam was. I hurried to sit down by her side. A trail of bubbles spread out along the water as a fat carp surfaced and flapped its tail as if to greet me.

“Ah-po, how are you today? Why aren’t you practicing qigong?” Energy exercise.

Chan Lan smiled her toothless smile. “Just finished.” She leaned close to stare at me. “Are you the pretty, unmarried girl?”

“I’m unmarried, but…I don’t think I’m-” I patted her hand. “You have an excellent memory, Ah-po.”

She shook her head. “No good now, used to be excellent, can remember my grand-niece’s birthday, the date she arrived in Hong Kong, the date I paid one thousand dollars to buy her passport…” She stopped.

I seized the chance to ask, “You mean Dai Nam? How is she? Where is she now?”

“No good. Doesn’t talk and went to China.”

“Because she wants to practice meditation on the mountain?”

“No.” Chan Lan chuckled. “She went back to see her boyfriend.”

This was not what I had expected to hear.

“Ah-po, I think you’re mistaken, for she doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s a nun!”

Chan Lan nodded emphatically, like a child trying to prove her innocence when accused of lying. “She does; he died long time.”

I muttered to myself, “Dai Nam went to China to see her dead boyfriend?”

Chan Lan turned to stare at the fountain, her gaze becoming abstract. I forced myself to keep quiet and wait for her to speak again. Only the sound of water and an occasional croaking of a frog interrupted our silence.

“She was nineteen, the boy much younger, only fifteen. Poor couple! No good!” Her voice sounded as shrill and excited as a five-year-old’s.

I asked softly, fearing that if I acted too eager I’d scare her out of talking, “I’m so sorry…how…did this happen?”

Chan Lan looked at me; her eyes flickered mischievously. “You don’t know?”

“No, I don’t. Please tell me. I’m her friend from Paris.”

“Ah, Ba Li, yes, of course, my niece hates Ba Li. She said no good, too cold, no friend, no money, only arthritis-”

“But, Ah-po, you were telling me about Dai Nam’s boyfriend.”

Chan Lan’s shrill laughter pierced through the humid air. “Ah, yes. See, my memory no good now. I used to remember my niece’s birthday, my daughter’s death day, my-”

“Ah-po, Dai Nam’s boyfriend, how did he die?”

“Ah, sad, very sad.” Chan Lan scratched her scanty white hair with her clawlike fingers. Then she hid her mouth with her hand and whispered into my ear, “Drowned.”

My heart flipped, then suddenly something connected. “Was he drowned while swimming with Dai Nam to Hong Kong?”

“Yes, yes, miss, you’re so smart.” Chan Lan turned to look at me directly. “Swam seven times together and failed, succeeded at the eighth.”

I was confused again. Was that boyfriend of Dai Nam’s dead or alive?

“But, Ah-po, didn’t you just tell me that he was drowned?”

Again she nodded emphatically. “Yes, but body arrived.”

“You mean…” I felt a small explosion inside me as I spat out, “Dai Nam carried his body all the way to Hong Kong?”

“Yes, strong girl, eh?” Chan Lan touched my arm with her bony claws. “Carried body and swam for many miles.” She leaned close to whisper into my ear, “Not only that, only half body arrived.”

“How come?”

“Other half eaten by sharks. Bad sharks!”

My eyes stung. “Then how come the sharks didn’t attack her?”

“Dai Nam lost him midway. Swam back for him but only half was left. Half still better than nothing, right, miss? So Dai Nam carried the shark’s leftover dinner to Hong Kong. Hard trip, eh? But she had to because she’d made a promise.”

“What promise?”

Chan Lan chuckled, then covered her mouth. “Miss, do I have bad breath?”

“No, Ah-po, you’re fine. Please tell me what promise Dai Nam made to her boyfriend.”

Something like a giggle wheezed from the space between her few teeth. “Ah, you don’t know?”

Now I was starting to think of throwing this centenarian to the sharks. But then she spoke in time to relieve my frustration. “They took an oath that they’d swim together to Hong Kong. If one died, the living one would still carry the other to freedom.” Suddenly Chan Lan looked sad. “Ah, shouldn’t have sworn like this-bad luck-so it did happen!”

I patted her hand. “But it’s all over now, Ah-po.”

“Hai!” Chan Lan sighed. “If the man hadn’t died, my niece wouldn’t have become a nun.”

Of course. Then Dai Nam would have gotten married and had children, many many.

“Is that why she became a nun?”

“You bet. She said very painful. She told me if she is a nun, she won’t attach.” Chan Lan studied me for a few seconds. “Miss, you’re smart; do you think they should make that promise?”

I didn’t respond. I was immersed in my own thoughts. Now all the puzzles about Dai Nam seemed to be falling into place. The strenuous cultivation of nonattachment. The agitation behind her seemingly emotionless face. The attractiveness hidden under her plain, oversized clothes and thick glasses. The cold demeanor to seal in her mental turmoil. Burning off her fingers to show nonattachment. Forcing open her third eye to be able to see ghosts-perhaps her boyfriend’s ghost. Her black-painted room. Her awkward squatting poses. Even her suicide attempt was not because she’d broken her vow by eating the wrong cake, but because she was still suffering.

Only at the moment she had pushed herself to the threshold of death was she relieved of her pain.

Buddhists say “to die in order to live.” Suddenly I felt a swell of great compassion for my friend, together with admiration for her love and courage.

I turned back to Chan Lan. “Ah-po, since Dai Nam’s boyfriend is dead, how can she go to see him?”

“Yes, yes, of course she can!” Chan Lan nodded her head like a pestle hitting on a mortar. “Boyfriend’s grave overgrown with weeds. She went back to tend to it. Gone-three years’ mourning. Also, my nephew-her father-died.”

Now I understood. Chan Lan must have confused Dai Nam’s departure for China now, with her departure a few years ago.

I put one of Chan Lan’s stray hairs into place. “Dai Nam must have loved her boyfriend very dearly.”

Chan Lan spoke again in her shrill, girlish voice. “Yes, yes. She told me the only man good and bad to her in China.”

“What do you mean, good and bad?”

“Ah, you don’t know?” Chan Lan’s eyes twinkled. “He ruined her face when he was a kid; then he repaid his bad karma by being nice to her.” She made a face. “But then he was drowned, so still too much bad karma unpaid!”

I felt a jolt inside. So Dai Nam’s lover was the little boy who’d slashed her face for no reason and left her with the big scar?

Right then a nun approached us, smiling generously and beginning to tease her. “Ah, Chan Lan, you’re gossiping again. Don’t you know it’s time for lunch? The other ah- pos are all waiting for you.” The nun turned to me, still smiling. “Sorry, miss, it’s time for lunch; maybe you can come back and talk to her later?”

As the nun helped Chan Lan to leave, I put my hands together and bowed slightly to both of them.

Chan Lan waved her bony hand, chuckling. “Miss, get married soon and have children, many many.” When she was a few steps away, she turned back. “When you grow old, it’s still better than talking to the four bare walls!”

The nun chided her affectionately. “Ai-ya! Chan Lan, stop lecturing others all the time!”

Watching the nun’s and Chan Lan’s receding backs, I felt tears roll down my cheeks. Michael’s image emerged clearly in my mind. Again the clouds vanished and the full moon shone, silently reminding me that life is fragile and true love hard to find.

I swore that I would never let go of Let-Go-and-Be-Carefree.

38. Confessions

The next day after my meeting with Dai Nam’s great-aunt, I asked Mother to sit down with me to plan for the wedding.

She looked uncomfortable.

“Ma, aren’t you happy that I’m getting married?”

“Of course. But…” She sighed. “I worry because he’s a gweilo.”

“Ma, stop being racist! What’s the difference, as long as Michael’s a nice person? Besides, don’t worry that you can’t get along with him. He knows more about Chinese culture than most Chinese do.”