have to keep starting over all the time. New job, new friends. New girls. Around and around.'
'Then Anita got up and went across the room. What did you think then?'
'That didn't bother me. She could move around if she wanted to. She didn't do anything, but I kept my eye on her. I kept my eye on everybody. On Anders and Roger. They were looking at her, but everybody did that. I don't usually care. And even though I was . .. even though I wanted her all to myself, I didn't say anything, just watched her, and I watched everyone who was looking at her, just to keep tabs on them.'
He bent his head and looked down at his prisoner feet.
'Anders was the worst; I know him. And I should have been prepared, but I guess he was jealous. Wanted to tease me a little, maybe. He's always teasing people, but he's not mean. Not at heart.'
'What did he do?'
'He went over to Anita and danced with her. I never thought that she shouldn't dance with anyone else, I really didn't. Anders kept an eye on me, wanted to see what I would do. I didn't do anything. But I watched them. I felt really weird,' he added.
'In what way weird?'
Robert's body seemed to have sunk a little, and his eyes had taken on a distant look. But he was thinking hard, digging into himself to find out what it was. Sejer said softly, 'Can you describe it?'
'It's hard to remember.'
'Think back. Imagine yourself there.'
'I can see some pictures. But the sound is gone.'
'What do you mean?'
'I couldn't hear the music any more. But the picture of Anders and Anita was crystal clear.'
'Crystal clear?'
'I could see Anita,' he said. 'But everything else disappeared. She was dancing with Anders. They were dancing very slowly, as if everything was coming to a stop. The light, the sound, I couldn't move, I just looked at Anders and Anita. She had forgotten all about me. Mind you, she was really drunk. I mean, we're not supposed to mention that, but she had forgotten all about me!' There was desperation in his voice.
'But Anders hadn't forgotten about you,' Sejer said.
'He was staring at me with a horrible smile. I've seen Anders smile before, but never like that. He had yellow teeth. I didn't smile back. I was thinking about the fact that everything was coming to a stop.'
'And then?'
'Then he took a small step back. Pushed Anita away. And I thought, now he's going to leave. But that's not what happened. He raised his hands and grabbed Anita's tits. Grabbed them hard so I could see it.'
'What did Anita do?'
'Well, she was really . . . She laughed,' he said grimly. 'She just laughed. It was already happening. I was going to have to start again. It all seemed so impossible. I would rather die.'
'Did you feel that you would rather die?'
'Yes,' he said simply.
'What made you think of the shotgun?' He took his time. Tried hard to remember. His efforts to concentrate affected his breathing, which became rapid and shallow.
'When I thought that I'd rather die. I remembered that it was in the cupboard in the hall. It doesn't take long to die, only a second.'
'So the idea of getting out the shotgun, that occurred to you when you were thinking about dying?'
'Yes. The landlord had a shotgun in the house. I remembered that it was in the hall.'
'At that instant, when you thought about the shotgun, is that when you looked at Anita?'
'They looked so unnatural. There was an eerie light.'
'What do you mean by eerie?'
'Like they have in clubs sometimes. A blue, metallic light.'
'What did you do?'
'I couldn't see anything in the room, just a bright pathway to the door. Suddenly I was standing in the hall. I still couldn't hear anything. The only sound was a faint prickling. Like . . . ants in my eyes,' he said. 'I know that I shouted something at Anders, but I can't remember what. I opened the door. The shotgun was there, as it always was. Nice and shiny. All assembled. Waiting for me.'
'And the ammunition?'
'Several boxes. They were up on the shelf.' His voice was hoarse and breathy. Sejer had to strain to hear him.
'Do you remember any feelings or thoughts from that moment?'
'No feelings. I was dead.'
'What do you mean?'
'My face started shrinking. I remember my skin getting tight around my mouth. It was awful. I thought I had to stop time so I wouldn't have to start all over again.'
'How were you going to stop time?'
'With a huge bang,' he whispered. 'If I fired a shot, there would be a huge bang. And everybody would wake up.' He ran his hand over his forehead. 'A bang. That would wake us up.'
'Were you all asleep?'
'Everybody was in slow motion. About to vanish.'
'You loaded the shotgun and went back into the room. What did you see?'
'Everyone looking at me. I liked it, the fact that they had to pay attention to me. They stopped smiling. Everyone except Anders.'
'Did you hear anything?'
'My name. Someone shouted. It was far away.' Sejer leaned across the desk. 'Why did you raise the shotgun and take aim?'
'I don't know . . .'
'Think hard, Robert. Why did you raise the shotgun?'
'I needed that bang!'
'But you took aim,' Sejer said. 'You could have aimed at the ceiling. But you aimed at Anders.'
'Yes!'
'You aimed at Anders and pulled the trigger. Why?'
'I don't know. I can't say why!'
In a shrill, heart-rending voice he begged Sejer to stop.
'We're just trying to understand,' Sejer said. 'I won't laugh. I won't get rough with you. I just want to understand.'
Robert sobbed and sniffed, concentrating on the blotting pad, which showed a map of the world. His gaze fell on the snow-white, ice-cold Antarctic.
'I was in a rage when I went to get the shotgun. It would have looked so pathetic if I aimed at the ceiling.'
His head fell towards his chest. Sejer leaned back. His expression didn't change, but Robert wasn't looking at him anyway. He was still in the icy wasteland.
'I pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. The safety catch was on. It goes on automatically when you put the shotgun together. I remembered about that and took it off. I thought it was so embarrassing,' he whispered. 'That I made such a mistake. Forgot about the safety catch.'
'Didn't you notice that Anders was hiding behind Anita?'
'Yes, I did.'
'But you still decided to fire. Did you realise that you would hit her? Anita – the girl you were so fond of?'
Robert met his gaze for a second.
'No. Yes. I couldn't exactly ask her to move.
'Move over, Anita, I want to shoot Anders.' I couldn't do that. I had to shoot.'
'Were you angry, Robert?'
'Angry? . . . I don't think so. But Anders was a coward.'
