the vibrations that she was sending out.
'Live? What kind of a question is that? What does it matter? In some shitty apartment like everyone else. A fucking room with a chair and a bed. Live-I don't know, somewhere.' She said it without anger or passion and never took her eyes from Toni's lips.
She said it like she didn't want to make small talk, stuff that was just fluff to fill space and time. Tina had the look of someone who didn't have much time left.
'I've had the hots for you from the minute I saw you. You know that?'
'That's the impression you gave me,' Toni replied.
'How do you feel about it? Didn't you want to go to bed with me? Even though you told me 'No'?'
'Yes. I did, I just… ' she faltered.
'You just what? Scared? Did I scare you?' her hand crushed Toni's like a glacial vice.
'A little bit. Yes I guess I was scared of you. There's something about you that's… ' she faltered again, her face flushing, her mind reaching for the right words, worried that she had said the wrong thing.
'Evil?'
'No, not evil. I wouldn't say that. You seem to be angry, kind of burning with some strange fire that I've never seen before. I couldn't believe your act the first time I saw it or the second for that matter. It was like you were screaming out with your body at those guys, telling them that you hated them, that you wished they were dead.'
'I do. They can all fucking drop dead every last one of them!'
'But at the same time it was brilliant!'
'Brilliant?' the word sounded funny to her, out of place in her life, it tumbled awkwardly from her lips like a fumbled cigarette.
'Yes brilliant,' Toni emphasized the word, pushing it at her in a low whisper for fear that I they would be overheard.
'When I saw you doing it I thought to myself there's someone who is doing something that is really original and at the same time I got so scared.'
'Scared-there's that word again. Scared of what?'
'Scared that we're all passing our lives in this toilet. That it could go on like this forever until we die. I don't know, that was the flash that hit me. I was scared for you really more than for me or for anyone else I know. In a way I was scared for those guys in the audience. Those poor schmucks who pay their three dollars to sit and watch a lot of cunts and tits and cheap costumes with lousy music and a bad smell in the air.'
'You know something Toni?'
'What?' Toni asked suddenly feeling exhausted, drained by her outburst, her blurted confession.
'That's what scares me too, only I don't get the words like you do. I can't spell it out. But I feel it and you're right-it shows. And in a way I don't give a shit.'
'But you should!'
'Why should I? What good will it do? What's it going to change? Look at me. Do I look like I'm going to get any better?' she said it like someone who knows they have a terminal disease.
'Better? What are you talking about. You sound like you hate yourself more than those guys you insult every time you get out there. You're a beautiful person and the sooner you know that the better. You should be doing great things.'
'Great things my ass.'
'No I mean it. As twisted as you feel and as twisted as that act of yours is you're
great!'
'Great? Huh! I give great head if that's what you mean.'
'That's not what I mean but I'm glad to hear it,' Toni said and meant it, relieved at the self deprecating humor and for the break in the weight of the conversation. She smiled and leaned back and reached for the pack of Marlboros between them. Tina was reluctant to let go of her hand.
'Why don't you come live with me?'
The question kicked Toni like a mule and she knew Tina could see her blushing like a red light bulb short circuiting.
'Well I don't know, I mean it's a bit sudden… ' she said inhaling and reclaiming her thoughts.
'I'd be good to you. I'd make you very happy. You've never had a lover like me. I'd make you forget every man you've ever been with.'
'But we don't even know each other we,… '
'We'd get to know each other, dumbo. We are getting to know each other right now. Look we're having a drink together and we're talking about things that are important to us and you even said I was brilliant didn't you?'
'Yes, I… '
'So there, what's your excuse? You'd be living with a beautiful person who also happens to be a brilliant stripper and I already told you I give great head so cut the bullshit and come live with me.'
'You're too much Tina. I don't think I'm ready to live with you or anyone else. That's really the gist of it. I like being alone and don't feel like being attached to one person. It gets complicated and I dig being a bachelor.'
'Ahh, maybe you're right. I don't blame you. You'd be out of your mind to live with a crazy fucker like me. I'm very jealous you know.'
'You are?'
'Oh very. You gotta watch out for me. Oh shit! There I go scaring you again. Fuck! No I wouldn't get jealous, just very protective that's all. I'm clean too. I smell like roses at both ends and even though I don't look it' she said letting go of Toni's hand
and gesturing with her fingers pointing at herself in a seizure of apology, her shoulders arching upwards and her mouth creasing into a smear, 'I'm very neat and keep a good house.'
'I'm sure you do baby,' Toni said reaching for her arm and holding it tightly. 'I'm sure you do and believe me it's not you, it's me. I like things the way they are right now.'
'I'm sorry Toni,' she said shaking her head, her eyes filling up with tears, 'going on like this with all my shit- putting you on the spot like that.'
'Shit don't be. I don't mind. I'm flattered really I am. How about another drink?'
'Sure.'
Toni gestured for the waiter to bring another round. 'Umm love that gin,' Tina said lapping noisily at her glass, draining it in three gulps and lighting another cigarette.
'Say I think it's time you got back,' Toni said glancing at her watch.
'We have time for another?' Tina asked rattling the ice in her glass like a tambourine.
'If it's a quickie.'
Another round of gin and ginger ale came and went quickly.
Outside the two girls walked fast, weaving through the crowd towards Eight avenue.
'Say what's this guy like?' Tina wanted to know.
'Oh he's not bad. Got a big cock and a lot of money. From Texas. I turned a few tricks with a friend of his a while back. After I fucked this guy yesterday he told me he liked twosomes. It should be alright. You don't mind do you?'
'Nah, honey, I don't mind. I'm looking forward to it. Besides I could use the money. I wish we could get the scratch without him being there no matter how big his cock is but I guess you can't have everything.'
'You can but not this time,' Toni said stopping short and giving Tina a quick peck on the cheek.
'OK see you at three. You got the address now?' 'Yea, I got the address. Three o'clock then.'
Tina looked almost alive, almost happy when she walked into Edgar Lewis' hotel suite at fifteen minutes past three. 'Thought you weren't going to make it,' Toni said as Tina brushed past her trailing a dizzing cloud of perfume.
'Are you kidding,' she said giving her a smile that touched her eyes as well as her mouth, 'I wouldn't have missed it for the world.'
'Tina, this is Edgar Lewis.' Edgar moved from behind the bar and across the room in three long strides with his right hand extended.
