Jesse nodded.
'Okay,' he said. 'I'll talk about it if you want. But afterwards you gotta talk about Richie.'
'God, you're tough,' Sunny said.
'Of course,' Jesse said. 'I'm the chief of police.'
He ate a french fry.
'Okay,' Sunny said.
Jesse nodded.
'Whaddya want to know?' he said.
'How you feel about her being gone?'
'Part of her I miss,' Jesse said. 'Part of her was-still is, I guess-simply sensational. Funny, charming, smart, quick, loving, sexy. It's the part of her I loved-probably still love, I guess. I'll probably always miss that.'
'Of course you will,' Sunny said. 'Anyone would…'
'But finally, I guess, it came with too much else.'
'Like?'
'The desperate need to be… what? Important?' Jesse said. 'Successful? Special?'
'The need to be noticed?' Sunny said.
'Yes,' Jesse said. 'It ate her up, and she couldn't seem to overcome it.'
'You know why?'
'Why she needed to be noticed?' Jesse said.
'Yes.'
'No.'
'Does she?' Sunny said.
'I don't know,' Jesse said. 'She still needs it.'
'And you were not enough,' Sunny said.
Jesse drank most of his iced tea and gestured to the waitress. She poured him some more. He added some sugar and drank another swallow and looked at Sunny.
'No,' he said. 'I wasn't.'
'Does that bother you?'
'That I wasn't enough?' Jesse said.
Sunny nodded.
'A lot,' Jesse said.
'Think it's why you drink?' Sunny said.
Jesse was silent for a moment, looking at his iced tea.
'I think I always drank too much,' Jesse said. 'But it got away from me when Jenn and I started having problems.'
'How you doing now?'
'Pretty good,' Jesse said. 'Normally I have a couple at night after work, before I have supper. I haven't been drunk for a long time.'
Sunny reached across and patted his hand.
'Why do you-' she said.
Jesse's cell phone rang.
'Excuse me,' he said, and answered it.
He listened for a moment.
'Okay,' he said. 'I'll come along.'
He looked at Sunny.
'Business?' she said.
'Yes.'
'Go ahead,' Sunny said. 'I'll take care of the check.'
'That doesn't seem right,' Jesse said.
'Spike has never charged me for a meal,' Sunny said. 'I sign the check, and he tears it up.'
Jesse stood.
'Boston, too?'
'Boston,' Sunny said, 'here, doesn't matter. Spike loves me.'
'Maybe I should try that,' he said.
'Spike doesn't love you,' Sunny said.
'But he does you?' Jesse said.
'Totally,' Sunny said.
'Spike's gay,' Jesse said.
'True,' Sunny said. 'So he doesn't want to have sex, but he loves me.'
'Some men might do both,' Jesse said.
'Anyone in mind?'
'We'll talk,' Jesse said. 'You had a question before the phone rang?'
'It can wait,' Sunny said. 'Go be chief of police.'
'I'm always the chief of police,' Jesse said.
'Even in a dressing room in a boutique on Rodeo Drive?' Jesse smiled.
'Except then,' he said.
5
SUNNY DECIDED TO VISIT the Renewal on her own. She had an address, and she knew it was in the neighborhood. She walked up the low-rise of Front Street from the wharf, along the harbor front. Jesse was so much like her ex-husband. Both of them contained, and interior, and physically competent. Both of them, maybe, a little dangerous. Her father was like that, too. She smiled.
What a coincidence, I'm attracted to men like my father.
But all that competence and grace, she thought, was exterior, and inside-confusion. At least in Jesse's case. At least about love.
Most of the houses along this stretch of waterfront in the oldest part of town looked as if they'd been rehabbed recently by people with money. They didn't seem very interesting from the street side. They all appeared oriented toward the harbor.
An ocean view, Sunny thought, like our first house… It wasn't that far from here… I wonder what Richie is like inside.
She stopped walking.
I don't know, she thought. I have no idea… I have no idea what Richie was, or is, like inside… Daddy, either… Except I know Daddy loves me… I think maybe Richie does, too… or did… I know more about Jesse than I know about anyone… That has to mean something.
A white-haired woman passed, walking an energetic beagle.
'Are you all right, miss?' the lady said.
Sunny nodded.
'Yes, ma'am,' Sunny said. 'Thank you. I was just thinking.'
'Oh, my,' the lady said. 'We mustn't do too much of that.' Sunny smiled at her.
'No,' Sunny said, 'we probably shouldn't.'
The beagle scrabbled on the sidewalk at the end of the leash.
'Oh, all right, Sally,' the woman said to the dog, and let the beagle pull her off toward town.
Sunny looked after them. She'd had to put her dog down a year and a half ago.
I miss my Rose, she thought.
She began to walk again, but slowly, as if she had no destination.
But I know a lot about what Jesse is like inside, more than I know about my father or the man I married… except I don't know if he loves me… or can.
The smell of the harbor was strong. She couldn't see much of it because the houses were very close along here; waterfront property was very expensive, no reason to waste any. She shook her head and laughed to herself without humor.
Of course, I don't know if I love him… or can.
Ahead of her was the uninteresting back of a gray shingled house that was right up against the sidewalk. There were a few small windows and a blank red door that faced the street. On the door was the number 17 in brass. The address of the Bond of the Renewal. When she reached the door, Sunny stopped and looked at it. There was a tiny passageway on each side of the house, which separated it from the adjacent houses. Sunny estimated she could turn sideways and get through, but she was pretty sure Spike couldn't.
Do I want to go in there now… No, I don't… Do I want to swap small talk with the Renewal… Not today… Right now I want to walk along the street some more and think of how fucked-up Jesse's life is… and mine… and pretty much everything goddamned else.
She turned and walked back toward the Gray Gull at the foot of the long gradual downhill return.
