“We are really prisoners in body and mind; but how could a young man, who has freedom of action, who goes out in the morning not to return until the next morning, who has money, and who can make it and spend it as he pleases, how could he justify the employment of his time? what man would tell his sweetheart all that he did day and night? Not one, even of those who are reputed the most pure.
“I had sent my horse and my garments to a little grange of mine at some distance from the town. I dressed, mounted, and rode off, not without a singular heaviness of heart I regretted nothing, for I was leaving nothing behind, neither relations nor friends, nor dog nor cat, and yet I was sad, and almost had tears in my eyes; the farm which I had visited only five or six times had no particular interest for me, and it was not the liking that we take for certain places and that affects us when leaving them which prompted me to turn round two or three times to see again from a distance its spiral of bluish smoke ascending amid the trees.
“There it was that I had left my title of woman with my dresses and petticoats; twenty years of my life were locked up in the room where I had made my toilet, years which were to be counted no longer, and which had ceased to concern me. 'Here lies Madelaine de Maupin' might have been written on the door, for I was, in fact, no longer Madelaine de Maupin but Theodore de Serannes, and no one would call me any more by the sweet name of Madelaine.
“The drawer which held my henceforth useless dresses appeared to me like the coffin of my fair illusions; I was a man, or, at least, had the appearance of one; the young girl was dead.
“When I had completely lost sight of the chestnut trees which surround the grange, it seemed to me as if I were no longer myself but another, and I looked back to my former actions as to the actions of a stranger which I had witnessed, or the beginning of a romance which I had not read through to the end.
“I recalled complacently a thousand little details, the childish simplicity of which brought an indulgent, and sometimes a rather scornful smile to my lips, like that of a young libertine listening to the arcadian and pastoral confidences of a third-form schoolboy: and, just as I was separating myself from them for ever, all the puerilities of my childhood and girlhood ran along the side of the road making a thousand signs of friendship to me and blowing me kisses from the tips of their white tapering fingers.
“I spurred my horse to rid myself of these enervating emotions; the trees sped rapidly past me on either side; but the wanton swarm, buzzing more than a hive of bees, began to run on the sidewalks and call to me, 'Madelaine! Madelaine!'
“I struck my animal's neck smartly with my whip, which made him redouble his speed. So rapidly was I riding, that my hair was nearly straight behind my head, and my cloak was horizontal, as though its folds were sculptured in stone; once I looked behind, and I saw the dust raised by my horse's hoofs like a little white cloud far away on the horizon.
“I stopped for a while.
“I perceived something white moving in a bush of eglantine at the side of the road, and a little clear voice as sweet as silver fell upon my ear: 'Madelaine, Madelaine, where are you going so far away, Madelaine? I am your virginity, dear child; that is why I have a white dress, a white crown, and a white skin. But why are you wearing boots, Madelaine? Methought you had a very pretty foot. Boots and hose, and a large plumed hat, like a cavalier going to the wars! Wherefore, pray, this long sword beating and bruising your thigh? You have a strange equipment, Madelaine, and I am not sure whether I should go with you.'
“'If you are afraid, my dear, return home, go water my flowers and care for my doves. But, in truth, you are wrong; you would be safer in these garments of good cloth than in your gauze and flax. My boots prevent it being seen whether I have a pretty foot; this sword is for my defence, and the feather waving in my hat is to frighten away all the nightingales who would come and sing false love-songs in my ear.
“I continued my journey: in the sighs of the wind I thought I could recognize the last phrase of the sonata which I had learned for my uncle's birthday, and in a large rose lifting its full-blown head above a little wall, the model of the big rose from which I had made so many water-color drawings; passing before a house I saw the phantom of my curtains moving at a window. All my past seemed to be clinging to me to prevent me from advancing and attaining to a new future.
“I hesitated two or three times and turned my horse's head in the opposite direction.
“But the little blue snake of curiosity hissed softly to me insidious words, and said: 'Go on, go on; Theodore; the opportunity for instruction is a good one; if you do not learn to-day, you will never know. Will you give your noble heart to chance, to the first appearance of honesty and passion? Men hide many extraordinary secrets from us, Theodore!'
“I resumed my gallop.
“The hose was on my body, but not in my disposition; I felt a sort of uneasiness, and, as it were, a shudder of fear, to give it its proper name, at a dark part of the forest; the report of a poacher's gun nearly made me faint. If it had been a robber, the pistols in my holsters and my formidable sword would certainly have been of little assistance to me. But by degrees I became hardened, and paid no more attention to it
“The sun was sinking slowly beneath the horizon, like the lustre in a theatre which is turned down when the performance is over. Rabbits and pheasants crossed the road from time to time; the shadows became longer, and the distance was tinted with red. Some portions of the sky were of a very sweet and softened lilac color, others resembled the citron and orange; the night-birds began to sing, and a crowd of strange sounds issued from the wood: the little light that remained died away, and the darkness became complete, increased, as it was, by the shade cast by the trees.
“I, who had never gone out alone at night, in a large forest at eight o'clock in the evening! Can you imagine such a thing, Graciosa, I who used to be dying of fear at the end of the garden? Terror seized me more than ever, and my heart beat terribly; I confess that it was with great satisfaction that I saw the lights of the town to which I was going, peeping and sparkling at the back of a hill. As soon as I saw those brilliant specks, like little terrestrial stars, my fright completely left me. It seemed to me as if these indifferent gleams were the open eyes of so many friends who were watching for me.
“My horse was no less pleased than I was myself, and inhaling a sweet stable odor more agreeable to him than the scents of the daisies and strawberries in the woods, he hastened straight to the Bed Lion Hotel.
“A golden gleam shone through the leaden casements of the inn, the tin signboard of which was swinging right and left, and moaning like an old woman, for the north wind was beginning to freshen. I intrusted my horse to a groom, and entered the kitchen.
“An enormous fire-place opened its red and black jaws in the background, swallowing up a faggot at each mouthful, while at either side of the andirons two dogs, seated on their haunches and nearly as high as a man, were toasting themselves with all the phlegm in the world, contenting themselves with lifting their paws a little and heaving a sort of sigh when the heat became too intense; but they would certainly have let themselves be reduced to cinders rather than have retired a step.
“My arrival did not appear to please them; and it was in vain that I tried to become acquainted with them, by stroking their heads now and then; they cast stealthy looks at me which imported nothing good. This surprised me, for animals come readily to me.
“The inn-keeper came up and asked me what I wished for supper.
“He was a paunch-bellied man, with a red nose, wall eyes and a smile that went round his head. At every word he uttered he displayed a double row of teeth, which were pointed and separated like an ogre's. The large kitchen-knife which hung by his side had a dubious appearance, and looked as if it might serve several purposes. When I had told him what I wanted he went up to one of the dogs and gave him a kick somewhere. The dog rose, and proceeded towards a sort of wheel which he entered with a cross and pitiful look, casting a glance of reproach at me. At last, seeing that no mercy was to be hoped for, he began to turn his wheel, and with it the spit on which the chicken for my supper was broached. I inwardly promised to throw him the remains of it for his trouble, and began to look round the kitchen until it should be ready.
“The ceiling was crossed by broad oaken joists, all blistered and blackened by the smoke from the hearth and candies. Pewter dishes brighter than silver, and white crockery-ware, with blue nosegays on it, shone in the shade on the dressers. Along the walls were numerous files of well-scoured pans, not unlike the ancient bucklers which were hung up in a row along the Grecian or Roman triremes (forgive me, Graciosa, for the epic magnificence of this comparison). One or two big servant-girls were busy about a large table moving plates and dishes and forks, the most agreeable of all music when you are hungry, for then the hearing of the stomach becomes keener than that of the ear.
