'I really can't say in what fashion; but the main thing is that he's now driving around town calling himself a state councillor. And therefore I ask you to announce that whoever catches him should immediately present him to me within the shortest time. Consider for yourself, how indeed can I do without such a conspicuous part of the body? It's not like some little toe that I can put in a boot and no one will see it's not there. On Thursdays I call on the wife of the state councillor Chekhtarev; Palageya Grigorievna Pod-tochina, a staff officer's wife-and she has a very pretty daughter- they, too, are my very good acquaintances, and consider for yourself, now, how can I… I can't go to them now.'
The clerk fell to pondering, as was indicated by his tighdy compressed lips.
'No, I can't place such an announcement in the newspaper,' he said finally, after a long silence.
'What? Why not?'
'Because. The newspaper may lose its reputation. If everybody starts writing that his nose has run away, then… People say we publish a lot of absurdities and false rumors as it is.'
'But what's absurd about this matter? It seems to me that it's nothing of the sort.'
'To you it seems so. But there was a similar incident last week. A clerk came, just as you've come now, brought a notice, it came to two roubles seventy-three kopecks in costs, and the whole announcement was that a poodle of a black coat had run away. Nothing much there, you'd think? But it turned out to be a lampoon: this poodle was the treasurer of I forget which institution.'
'But I'm giving you an announcement not about a poodle, but about my own nose: which means almost about me myself.'
'No, I absolutely cannot place such an announcement.'
'But my nose really has vanished!'
'If so, it's a medical matter. They say there are people who can attach any nose you like. I observe, however, that you must be a man of merry disposition and fond of joking in company.'
'I swear to you as God is holy! Very well, if it's come to that, I'll show you.'
'Why trouble yourself!' the clerk went on, taking a pinch of snuff. 'However, if it's no trouble,' he added with a movement of curiosity, 'it might be desirable to have a look.'
The collegiate assessor took the handkerchief from his face.
'Extremely strange, indeed!' said the clerk. 'The place is per-fecdy smooth, like a just-made pancake. Yes, of an unbelievable flatness!'
'Well, are you going to argue now? You can see for yourself that you've got to print it. I'll be especially grateful to you; and I'm very glad that this incident has afforded me the pleasure of making your acquaintance…'
The major, as may be seen from that, had decided to fawn a bit this time.
'Of course, printing it is no great matter,' said the clerk, 'only I don't see any profit in it for you. If you really want, you should give it to someone with a skillful pen, who can describe it as a rare work of nature and publish the little article in The Northern Bee' 3 (here he took another pinch of snuff), 'for the benefit of the young' (here he wiped his nose), 'or just for general curiosity.'
The collegiate assessor was totally discouraged. He dropped his eyes to the bottom of the newspaper, where theater performances were announced; his face was getting ready to smile, seeing the name of a pretty actress, and his hand went to his pocket to see if he had a blue banknote 4 on him, because staff officers, in Kovalev's opinion, ought to sit in the orchestra-but the thought of the nose ruined everything!
The clerk himself seemed to be moved by Kovalev's difficult situation. Wishing to soften his grief somehow, he deemed it fitting to express his sympathy in a few words:
'I'm truly sorry that such an odd thing has happened to you. Would you care for a pinch? It dispels headaches and melancholy states of mind; it's even good with regard to hemorrhoids.'
So saying, the clerk held the snuffbox out to Kovalev, quite deftly flipping back the lid with the portrait of some lady in a hat.
This unintentional act brought Kovalev's patience to an end.
'I do not understand how you find it possible to joke,' he said in passion. 'Can you not see that I precisely lack what's needed for a pinch of snuff? Devil take your snuff! I cannot stand the sight of it now, not only your vile Berezinsky, but even if you were to offer me rappee itself.'
Having said this, he left the newspaper office in deep vexation and went to see the police commissioner, a great lover of sugar. In his house, the entire front room, which was also the dining room, was filled with sugar loaves that merchants brought him out of friendship. Just then the cook was removing the commissioner's regulation boots; his sword and other military armor were already hanging peacefully in the corners, and his three- year-old son was playing with his awesome three-cornered hat; and he himself, after his martial, military life, was preparing to taste the pleasures of peace.
Kovalev entered just as he stretched, grunted, and said: 'Ah, now for a nice two-hour nap!' And therefore it could be foreseen that the collegiate assessor's arrival was quite untimely; and I do not know whether he would have been received all that cordially even if he had brought him several pounds of sugar or a length of broadcloth. The commissioner was a great patron of all the arts and manufactures, but preferred state banknotes to them all. 'Here's a thing,' he used to say, 'there's nothing better than this thing: doesn't ask to eat, takes up little space, can always be put in the pocket, drop it and it won't break.'
The commissioner received Kovalev rather drily and said that after dinner was no time for carrying out investigations, that nature herself had so arranged it that after eating one should have a little rest (from this the collegiate assessor could see that the police commissioner was not unacquainted with the sayings of the ancient wise men), that a respectable man would not have his nose torn off, and that there were many majors in the world whose underclothes were not even in decent condition, and who dragged themselves around to all sorts of improper places.
That is, a square hit, right between the eyes. It must be noted that Kovalev was an extremely touchy man. He could forgive anything said about himself, but he could never pardon a reference to his rank or title. He even thought that in theatrical plays everything referring to inferior officers could pass, but staff officers should never be attacked. The commissioner's reception so perplexed him that he shook his head and said with dignity, spreading
