The third level was for poisoners: spitting cobras, jumping spiders, death bats galore. The fourth level was the kingdom of the most dangerous, the enemies of fear: the shrieking tarantula (the only spider capable of sound), the blood eagle (the only bird that thrived on human flesh), plus, in its own black pool, the sucking squid. Even the albino shivered during feeding time on the fourth level.
The fifth level was empty.
The Prince constructed it in the hopes of someday finding something worthy, something as dangerous and fierce and powerful as he was.
Unlikely. Still, he was an eternal optimist, so he kept the great cage of the fifth level always in readiness.
And there was really more than enough that was lethal on the other four levels to keep a man happy. The Prince would sometimes choose his prey by luck—he had a great wheel with a spinner and on the outside of the wheel was a picture of every animal in the Zoo and he would twirl the spinner at breakfast, and wherever it stopped, the albino would ready that breed. Sometimes he would choose by mood: 'I feel quick today; fetch me a cheetah' or 'I feel strong today, release a rhino.' And whatever he requested, of course, was done.
HE WAS RINGING down the curtain on an orangutan when the business of the King's health made its ultimate intrusion. It was midafternoon, and the Prince had been grappling with the giant beast since morning, and finally, after all these hours, the hairy thing was weakening. Again and again, the monkey tried to bite, a sure sign of failure of strength in the arms. The Prince warded off the attempted bites with ease, and the ape was heaving at the chest now, desperate for air. The Prince made a crablike step sidewise, then another, then darted forward, spun the great beast into his arms, began applying pressure to the spine. (This was all taking place in the ape pit, where the Prince had his pleasure with many simians.) From up above now, Count Rugen's voice interrupted. 'There is news,' the Count said.
From battle, the Prince replied, 'Cannot it wait?'
'For how long?' asked the Count.
C
R
A
C
K
The orangutan fell like a rag doll. 'Now, what is all this,' the Prince replied, stepping past the dead beast, mounting the ladder out of the pit.
'Your father has had his annual physical,' the Count said. 'I have the report.'
'And?'
'Your father is dying.'
'Drat!' said the Prince. 'That means I shall have to get married.'
Three
FOUR OF them met in the great council room of the castle. Prince Humperdinck, his confidant, Count Rugen, his father, aging King Lotharon, and Queen Bella, his evil stepmother.
Queen Bella was shaped like a gumdrop. And colored like a raspberry. She was easily the most beloved person in the kingdom, and had been married to the King long before he began mumbling. Prince Humperdinck was but a child then, and since the only stepmothers he knew were the evil ones from stories, he always called Bella that or 'E. S.' for short.
'All right,' the Prince began when they were all assembled. 'Who do I marry? Let's pick a bride and get it done.'
Aging King Lotharon said, 'I've been thinking it's really getting to be about time for Humperdinck to pick a bride.' He didn't actually so much say that as mumble it: 'I've beee mumbbble mumbbble Humpmummmble engamumble.'
Queen Bella was the only one who bothered ferreting out his meanings anymore. 'You couldn't be righter, dear,' she said, and she patted his royal robes.
'What did he say?'
'He said whoever we decided on would be getting a thunderously handsome prince for a lifetime companion.'
'Tell him he's looking quite well himself,' the Prince returned.
'We've only just changed miracle men,' the Queen said. 'That accounts for the improvement.'
'You mean you fired Miracle Max?' Prince Humperdinck said. 'I thought he was the only one left.'
'No, we found another one up in the mountains and he's quite extraordinary. Old, of course, but then, who wants a young miracle man?'
'Tell him I've changed miracle men,' King Lotharon said. It came out: 'Tell mumble mirumble mumble.'
'What did he say?' the Prince wondered.
'He said a man of your importance couldn't marry just
'True, true,' Prince Humperdinck said. He sighed. Deeply. 'I suppose that means Noreena.'
'That would certainly be a perfect match politically,' Count Rugen allowed. Princess Noreena was from Guilder, the country that lay just across Florin Channel. (In Guilder, they put it differently; for them, Florin was the country on the other side of the Channel of Guilder.) In any case, the two countries had stayed alive over the centuries mainly by warring on each other. There had been the Olive War, the Tuna Fish Discrepancy, which almost bankrupted both nations, the Roman Rift, which did send them both into insolvency, only to be followed by the Discord of the Emeralds, in which they both got rich again, chiefly by banding together for a brief period and robbing everybody within sailing distance.
'I wonder if she hunts, though,' said Humperdinck. 'I don't care so much about personality, just so they're good with a knife.'
'I saw her several years ago,' Queen Bella said. 'She seemed lovely, though hardly muscular. I would describe her more as a knitter than a doer. But again, lovely.'
'Skin?' asked the Prince.
'Marbleish,' answered the Queen.
'Lips?'
'Number or color?' asked the Queen.
'Color, E. S.'
'Roseish. Cheeks the same. Eyes largeish, one blue, one green.'
'Hmmm,' said Humperdinck. 'And form?'
'Hourglassish. Always clothed divineishly. And, of course, famous throughout Guilder for the largest hat collection in the world.'
'Well, let's bring her over here for some state occasions and have a look at her,' said the Prince.
'Isn't there a princess in Guilder that would be about the right age?' said the King. It came out 'Mumcess Guilble, abumble mumble?'
'Are you never wrong?' said Queen Bella, and she smiled into the weakening eyes of her ruler.
'What did he say?' wondered the Prince.
'That I should leave this very day with an invitation,' replied the Queen.
