The Princess Bride

'Save Humperdinck,' one Brute said, and with that they all dashed into the castle.

'Save Humperdinck,' Yellin said, the last one left, but clearly his heart wasn't in it.

'Actually, that was something of a fib,' Buttercup said as they began to ride for freedom, 'seeing as Lotharon hasn't officially resigned, but I thought 'I am the Queen' sounded better than 'I am the Princess.''

'All I can say is, I'm impressed,' Westley told her.

Buttercup shrugged. 'I've been going to royalty school three years now; something had to rub off.' She looked at Westley. 'You all right? I was worried about you back on the bed there. Your eyes rolled up into your head and everything.'

'I suppose I was dying again, so I asked the Lord of Permanent Affection for the strength to live the day. Clearly, the answer came in the affirmative.'

'I didn't know there was such a Fellow,' Buttercup said.

'Neither did I, in truth, but if He didn't exist, I didn't much want to either.'

The four great horses seemed almost to fly toward Florin Channel.

'It appears to me as if we're doomed, then,' Buttercup said. Westley looked at her. 'Doomed, madam?'

'To be together. Until one of us dies.'

'I've done that already, and I haven't the slightest intention of ever doing it again,' Westley said.

Buttercup looked at him. 'Don't we sort of have to sometime?'

'Not if we promise to outlive each other, and I make that promise now.'

Buttercup looked at him. 'Oh my Westley, so do I.'

***

'And they lived happily ever after,' my father said.

'Wow,' I said.

He looked at me. 'You're not pleased?'

'No, no, it's just, it came so quick, the ending, it surprised me. I thought there'd be a little more, is all. I mean, was the pirate ship waiting or was that just a rumor like it said?'

'Complain to Mr. Morgenstern. 'And they lived happily ever after' is how it ends.'

The truth was, my father was fibbing. I spent my whole life thinking it ended that way, up until I did this abridgement. Then I glanced at the last page. This is how Morgenstern ends it.

***

BUTTERCUP LOOKED AT him. 'Oh my Westley, so do I.'

From behind them suddenly, closer than they had imagined, they could hear the roar of Humperdinck: 'Stop them! Cut them off!' They were, admittedly, startled, but there was no reason for worry: they were on the fastest horses in the kingdom, and the lead was already theirs.

However, this was before Inigo's wound reopened, and Westley relapsed again, and Fezzik took the wrong turn, and Buttercup's horse threw a shoe. And the night behind them was filled with the crescendoing sound of pursuit....

***

That's Morgenstern's ending, a 'Lady or the Tiger?' type effect (this was before 'The Lady or the Tiger?,' remember). Now, he was a satirist, so he left it that way, and my father was, I guess I realized too late, a romantic, so he ended it another way.

Well, I'm an abridger, so I'm entitled to a few ideas of my own. Did they make it? Was the pirate ship there? You can answer it for yourself, but, for me, I say yes it was. And yes, they got away. And got their strength back and had lots of adventures and more than their share of laughs.

But that doesn't mean I think they had a happy ending either. Because, in my opinion anyway, they squabbled a lot, and Buttercup lost her looks eventually, and one day Fezzik lost a fight and some hotshot kid whipped Inigo with a sword and Westley was never able to really sleep sound because of Humperdinck maybe being on the trail.

I'm not trying to make this a downer, understand. I mean, I really do think that love is the best thing in the world, except for cough drops. But I also have to say, for the umpty-umpth time, that life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.

New York City

February, 1973

BUTTERCUP'S BABY

AN EXPLANATION

YOU'RE PROBABLY wondering why I only abridged the first chapter. The answer is simple: I was not allowed to do more. The following explanation is kind of personal, and I'm sorry for putting you through it. Some of this—more than some, a lot—was painful when it happened, still is as I write it down for you. I don't come out all that well a lot of the time, but that can't be helped. Morgenstern was always honest with his audience. I don't think I can be any less with you....

MY TROUBLES BEGAN twenty-five years ago with the reunion scene.

You remember, in my abridgement of The Princess Bride, when Buttercup and Westley have been reunited just before the Fire Swamp, I stuck my two cents in and said I thought Morgenstern had cheated his readers by not including a reunion scene for the lovers so I'd written my own version and send in if you want a copy? (Pages 178—79 in this edition.)

My late great editor Hiram Haydn felt I was wrong, that if you abridge someone you can't suddenly start using your own words. But I liked my reunion scene a lot. So, to humor me, he let me stick that note in the book about sending in for it.

No one—please believe this—no one thought anyone would actually request my version. But Harcourt, the original hardcover publisher, got deluged, and later Ballantine, the first paperback publisher, got deluged even more. I loved that. Publishers having to spend money. My reunion scene was poised for mailing—but not one was ever sent.

What follows is the explanatory letter I wrote that was mailed to the tens of thousands of people who had written in over the years asking for the scene.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for sending in and no, this is not the reunion scene, because of a certain roadblock named Kermit Shog.

As soon as bound books were ready, I got a call from my lawyer, Charley—(you may not remember, but Charley's the one I called from California to go down in the blizzard and buy The Princess Bride from the used-book dealer). Anyway, he usually begins with Talmudic humor, wisdom jokes, only this time he just says, 'Bill, I think you better get down here,' and before I'm even allowed a 'why?' he adds, 'Right away if you can.'

Panicked, I zoom down, wondering who could have died, did I flunk my tax audit, what? His secretary lets me into his office and Charley says, 'This is Mr. Shog, Bill.'

And there he is, sitting in the corner, hands on his briefcase, looking exactly like an oily version of Peter Lorre. I really expected him to say, 'Give me the Falcon, you must, or I will be forced to keeel you.'

'Mr. Shog is a lawyer,' Charley goes on. And then this next was said underlined: 'He represents the Morgenstern estate.'

Who knew? Who could have dreamed such a thing existed, an estate of a man dead at least a million years that no one ever heard of over here anyway? 'Perhaps you will give me the Falcon now,' Mr. Shog said. That's not true. What he said was 'Perhaps you will like a few words with your client alone now,' and Charley nodded and out he went and once he was done I said, 'Charley, my God, I never figured—' and he said, 'Did Harcourt?' and I said, 'Not that they ever mentioned,' and he said, 'Ooch,' the grunting sound lawyers make when they know they've