The Princess Bride

so as not to be pulled overboard. 'No one has ever been there. It is shrouded by mist with just the top of the single tree visible above the clouds. The mist is caused by the whirlpool. The island is surrounded by the whirlpool. And rocks. No boat can sail through—the rocks crush it or the water sucks it down. Now do you see why it is perfect for us? Humperdinck cannot get there and soon he will lose interest in trying to.'

'Let me get this straight,' Buttercup said. 'The entire armada cannot get to the island but we can?'

'That is my belief.'

'I don't mean to be pushy about this, but I am not keen on being crushed or drowned. Westley, what in the world do we have that they don't?

'We have Fezzik,' Westley replied simply.

'We absolutely do,' Fezzik shouted, happy that the answer was so easily forthcoming. 'He is right here inside my skin.'

'But, my darling, what can Fezzik do?'

'Why, swim us through the whirlpool, of course.'

No one answered for a moment because at that moment the tiny boat began to crack from the pressure of the water, and the roar of the whirlpool began to surround them, which meant it was very close. Westley checked Buttercup's chains and Inigo's as well as his own, making certain they were securely locked around Fezzik. The boat had little left it could do. It had brought them close, but now ahead the rocks became visible and Westley shouted through it all, 'Save us, Fezzik, save us or we die.'

Now Fezzik, as the world knows, had a terrible case of low self-esteem. So he was all for the theory behind Westley's words. Saving people. How wonderful. What in all the world could be better than saving people, especially these three with him now? Nothing. So in theory he should have made ready to dive in.

In practice he just sat in the bottom of the boat and shivered.

'Fezzik, now!' Westley shouted.

Fezzik shivered all the worse.

'He needs a rhyme,' Inigo explained to Westley. Then to Fezzik: 'Fezzik is no zero?

Fezzik shivered even more.

'Do you want a hint?' Inigo shrieked as the boat began to splinter.

Still the shivering.

'He's a hero,' Inigo went on.

Fezzik would have none of it, put his head in his hands.

'What could he be afraid of?' Buttercup cried out.

'Fezzik,' Westley shouted into Fezzik's ear. 'Are you afraid of the sharks?'

Even worse shivering. And a shake of the head.

Now the whirlpool was starting to spin them.

'Is it the sucking squid?'

Still worse. And another shake of the head.

Now the whirlpool began to pull them down.

'Is it the sea monsters?'

More shivering, more shaking.

And Westley, aware that they had next to no chance of survival the way things were going, cried, 'Tell me!'

Fezzik buried his head in his hands.

And then from Westley, the loudest shout of all: 'Nothing is worse than sea monsters. What are you so afraid of?'

Fezzik raised his great head and managed to look at them. 'Getting water up my nose,' he whispered. 'I hate it so much.' And then he buried his head again.

The boat was shattering by this time. In the final moments they clung to the remnants and Westley said, 'I am too weak for the task, Inigo you do it,' and Inigo said, 'I am a Spaniard—I do not hold another man's nose,' and Buttercup, not for the last time, heard herself say, 'You men,' and then as the whirlpool had them in its power, she took both of her hands and clamped them over Fezzik's nose.

THE WHIRLPOOL KNEW from the first it had them, it had not lost a battle in centuries, not since a soldier coming home from the Crusades caught it at a remarkably calm time, managed to slip almost past, was but a few feet from One Tree's shore before, exhausted, he collapsed backward and the whirlpool made no mistakes this time, just kept him down at the bottom longer than it had ever kept anyone, before releasing its grip, letting him float up toward where the sharks waited.

The sharks were waiting this day, too, excited, four to shred, and they swam just at the outskirts of the whirlpool, watching as the bodies sank. Fezzik made no resistance whatsoever, did nothing 'til he was certain Buttercup's grip was solid. The whirlpool took them under, sped them down, on their way to the bottom and Fezzik let it happen, hoping only that the others could hold their breaths longer than they ever had, and soon he could feel the bottom of the sea. It was not deep here, whirlpools did not love deep water, and Fezzik bunched his giant body and shoved down with his mighty legs, shoved harder than he ever had before. As soon as his body began its upward trajectory, he started with his arms, his great tireless arms, windmilling them with more ferocity than the whirlpool had ever known, and it did what it could—increased its roar, swirled more savagely—but the arms would not stop, nothing could make them stop, and the chains held, and the others were unconscious from the battle, but Fezzik knew, as soon as he surfaced at the far end of the whirlpool, that Inigo had been right with his rhyme, he was definitely not a zero, not this day of days....

They were still chained when they reached the shore of One Tree, and they stayed that way for two days, all of them motionless, near dead from wounds and torture and exhaustion. Then they unchained themselves and, staying close together, began to explore their new home.

***

Me, obviously, and I'm sorry, but you don't want to read ten pages on vegetation. (Morgenstern's tree fixation scores again. His point here is that One Tree being pretty close to Eden is what all of Florin could be if only people didn't chop everything down.) The four get their strength back slowly. Buttercup nurses them and Fezzik takes care of food, cooking and cleaning the fish that was most of their diet. (Buttercup one day has nothing special going on so she makes him a gift for his nose— a clothespin. Well, Fezzik goes nuts, he's so happy. It fits perfectly, he's never without it, etc., etc., and armed with that, Fezzik becomes the scourge of the area, swimming all over, fighting sharks and sucking squids—tastes like chicken, I thought the more squeamish among you would be glad for that bit of info—bringing his catch of the day back for food.) Anyway, this section ends with the moon high, perfect night, very romantic, all that. Inigo and Fezzik are off in their tents dozing, Buttercup and Westley sitting alone by a flickering fire.

***

'YOU KNOW, we've only kissed,' Buttercup said, staring at the embers.

'Of course,' Westley replied.

Not getting the answer she expected, Buttercup tried again. 'We've certainly had more than our share of adventures, no one can deny it. And true love ... to have that, we must be the most blessed of creatures.'

'Surely the most blessed,' Westley agreed.

'But,' Buttercup said then, trying for frivolity, 'thus far, the unalloyed fact that shines out is this: we have only kissed.'

'What else is there?' Wesley asked. He touched his lips lightly to her cheek, sighed. 'Surely there could be nothing more.'

This was somewhat disingenuous on his part, because he had been King of the Sea for several years and, well, things happened.

'Silly lad,' she told him, smiling. 'I have enough knowledge for us both. Of course I should, considering all those classes in lovemaking I took at Royalty School.' She had taken the classes, but since Humperdinck had instructed her professors to teach her nothing whatsoever, Buttercup, though she smiled, was terrified.

'I am anxious for your teachings to begin.'