latter's husband had lately died of dropsy] were also supposed to be in the plot. They were banished to an island off the coast of Africa near Carthage. It was a very hot, very arid island where sponge-fishing was the only industry, and Caligula ordered them to learn the trade of diving for sponges, for he said that he could not afford to support them longer. But before being sent to their island they had a task laid on them: they had to walk to Rome, all the way from Lyons, under an armed escort, and take turns at carrying in their arms the urn in which Ganymede's ashes had been put. This was a punishment for their persistent adultery with Ganymede, as Caligula explained in a loftily styled letter he sent the Senate. He enlarged on his own great clemency in not putting them to death. Why, they had proved themselves worse than common prostitutes: no honest prostitute would have had the face to ask the prices they asked, and got, for their debaucheries!
I had no reason to feel sorry for my nieces. They were as bad as Caligula, in their way, and treated me very spitefully. When Agrippinilla's baby was born three years before she had asked Caligula to suggest a name for it. Caligula said, 'Call it Claudius and it will be sure to turn out a beauty.' Agrippinilla was so furious that she nearly struck Caligula; instead she turned quickly round and spat towards me--
and then burst into tears. The baby was called Lucius Domitius.* Lesbia was too proud to pay attention * Afterwards the Emperor Nero.--R. G. to me or acknowledge my presence in any way. If I happened to meet her in a narrow passage she used to walk straight on down the middle without slackening her pace, making me squeeze against the wall. It was difficult for me to remember that they were the children of my dear brother and that I had promised Agrippina to do my very best to protect them, I had the embarrassing duty assigned to me of going to France, at the head of an embassy of four ex-Consuls, to congratulate Caligula on his suppression of the conspiracy.
This was my first visit to France since my infancy and I wished I was not making it. I had to take money from Calpurnia for travelling expenses, for my estate and home had not yet found a buyer, and I could not count on Caligula's being pleased to see me. I went by sea from Ostia, landing at Marseilles. It appears that after banishing my nieces Caligula had auctioned the jewellery and ornaments and clothes they had brought with them. These fetched such high prices that he also sold their slaves and then their freedmen, pretending that these were slaves too. The bids were made by rich provincials who wanted the glory of saying, 'Yes, such and such belonged to the Emperor's sister. I bought it from him personally!'
This gave Caligula a new idea. The old Palace where Livia had lived was now shut up. It was full of valuable furniture and pictures and relics of Augustus. Caligula sent for all this stuff to Rome and made me responsible tor its safe and prompt arrival at Lyons. He wrote: 'Send it by road, not by sea. I have a quarrel on with Neptune.' The letter arrived only the day before I sailed, so I put Pallas in charge of the job. The difficulty was that all the surplus horses and carts had already been commandeered for the transport of Caligula's army. But Caligula had given the order, and horses and conveyances had somehow to be found. Pallas went to the Consuls and showed them Caligula's orders. They were forced to commandeer public mail-coaches and bakers' vans and the horses that turned the corn-mills, which was a great inconvenience to the public.
So it happened that one evening in May just before sunset Caligula, sitting on the bridge at Lyons engaged in [401] imaginary conversation with the local river-god, saw me coming along the road in the distance. He recognized my sedan by the dice-board I have [A.D. 40] fitted across it: I beguile long journeys by throwing dice with myself. He called out angrily: 'Hey, you sir, where are the carts? Why haven't you brought the carts?'
I called back: 'Heaven bless your Majesty! The carts won't be here for a few days yet, I fear. They are coming by land, through Genoa. My colleagues and I have come by water.'
'Then back by water you’ll go, my man,” he said.
'Come
here!'
When I reached the bridge I was pulled out of my sedan by two German soldiers and carried to the parapet above the middle arch, where they sat me with my back to the river. Caligula rushed forward and pushed me over. I turned two back-somersaults and fell what seemed like a thousand feet before I struck the water. I remember saying to myself: 'Born at Lyons, died at Lyons!' The river Rhone is very cold, very deep and very swift. My heavy robe entangled my arms and legs, but somehow I managed to keep afloat, and to clamber ashore behind some boats about half a mile downstream, out of sight of the bridge.
I am a much better swimmer than I am a walker: I am strong in the arms and being rather fat from not being able to take exercise and from liking my meals I float like a cork. By the way, Caligula couldn't swim a stroke.
He was surprised, a few minutes later, to see me come hobbling up the road, and laughed hugely at the stinking muddy mess I was in. 'Where have you been, my dear Vulcan?' he called.
I had the answer pat: I felt the Thunderer's might, Hurled headlong downward from th'etherial height Tost all the day in rapid circles round Nor till the sun descended touch'd the ground.
Breathless I fell, in giddy motions lost; The Sinthians raised me on the Lemnian coast.
'For 'Lemnian' read 'Lyonian',' I said. He was sitting on the parapet with my three fellow-envoys lying on the ground face-downwards in a row before him.
He had his feet on the necks of two and his swordpoint balanced between the shoulders of the third, Lesbia's husband, who was sobbing for mercy. 'Claudius,'
he groaned, hearing my voice, 'beseech the Emperor to set us free: we only came to offer him our loving congratulations.'
'I want carts, not congratulations,' said Caligula.
It seemed as if Homer had written the passage from which I had just quoted on purpose for this occasion. I said to Lesbia's husband: Be patient and obey.
Dear as you are, if Jove his arm extend
I can but grieve, unable to defend.
What soul so daring in your aid to move
Or lift his hand against the might of Jove?
Caligula was delighted. He said to the three suppliants: 'What are your lives worth to you? Fifty thousand gold pieces each?'
'Whatever you say, Caesar,' they answered faintly.
'Then pay poor Claudius that sum as soon as you get back to Rome. He's saved your lives by his ready tongue.'
So they were allowed to rise and Caligula made them sign a promise, then and there, to pay me one hundred and fifty thousand gold pieces in three months'
time. I said to Caligula: 'Most gracious Caesar, your need is greater than mine.
Will you accept one hundred thousand gold pieces from me, when they pay me, in gratitude for my own salvation? If you condescended to take that gift, I would still have fifty thousand left, which would enable me to pay my initiation fee in full. I have worried a great deal about that debt.'
He said, 'Anything that I can do that will contribute to your peace of mind!' and called me his Golden Farthing.
So Homer saved me. But Caligula a few days later warned me not to quote Homer again. 'He's a most overrated author. I am going to have his poems called in and burned. Why shouldn't I put Plato's philosophical recommendations into practice? You know The Republic? An |f [4°3] admirable piece of argument. Plato was for keeping all poets whatsoever out of his ideal state: he said that they were all liars, and so they are.'
I asked: 'Is your Sacred Majesty going to bum any other poets besides Homer?'
'Oh, indeed, yes. All the over-rated ones. Virgil for a start. He's a dull fellow. Tries to be a Homer and can't do it.'
'And
any
historians?'
'Yes, Livy. Still duller. Tries to be a Virgil and can't do it.'
XXXII
HE CALLED FOR THE MOST RECENT OFFICIAL PROPERTY census and after examining it summoned all the
