passion still left in me, Kelandris. And I have a desire for you that the years have not subdued.» Kel's eyes widened a little bit. She took a step backward. Although she and Zendrak slept next to each other in bed, theirs was a purely platonic
relationship at this point. It was all that Kelandris could handle, although she would never have admitted this to anyone—including Zendrak. Now it appeared that Zendrak wanted to change their relationship, perhaps be her lover again, as he had been once in Suxonli, seventeen years ago. Kelandris stiffened involuntarily. She did not know what to do. Her own indecision and vulnerability angered her. Biting her lower lip, she whirled away from Zendrak, announcing over her shoulder, «I'm going to take a shower.» Opening the door to her room, she quickly scanned the hallway to see if she could get to the bathroom without running into anyone else from the Kaleidicopia. At three in the morning, the wide hallway was empty. Kelandris gathered her black bathrobe against her otherwise naked body and ran toward the third-floor bathroom. She ducked inside and shut the door, her heart pounding, her emotions extreme. She leaned against the door, her head bowed and her green eyes closed. Her mind flooded with questions. Would Zendrak still be in their bedroom when she returned? What would he say to her? What would he expect of her? Kelandris gritted her teeth. She didn't want to think about these kinds of questions. She
didn't want to feel these feelings. Despite her brave lecture on the benefits of feeling life deeply, ever since the Ritual of Akindo Kelandris had disciplined herself to feel nothing. It was a survival technique more than anything else. To feel anything was to open a veritable box of emotional trouble. Experience had taught her that passion of any kind put you at the mercy of other people. So to remain in control of her life—such as it was—Kelandris had used her formidable will to numb her emotions. She had promised herself she would never feel deeply again about anything. Or anyone. It was a matter of survival.
«Damn you, Zendrak,» she swore, tears filling her eyes. «Everything was fine between us and then you just had to go and spoil it.» Continuing to swear, Kelandris turned on the water in the shower. She waited for it to warm up. When the room became steamy, Kelandris dropped her black bathrobe. It fell to the floor revealing a muscular but surprisingly feminine body. Her bones were long to support her weight, but they were also delicate. Her belly was slightly rounded, her breasts soft and inviting. She stepped into the shower, letting the hot water beat her senses into forgetfulness. Moments later, she felt a draft. She poked her head out of the shower, her long blue- black hair clinging to her face and neck and breasts. Zendrak stood inside the room, closing the door as she stared at him in astonished indignation. «I locked that door!» «And I opened it,» he said. He too dropped his bathrobe. Around his neck hung a necklace of black stones. The necklace was made of obsidian, and it had been forged in Soaringsea. Like Kel, his body was muscular; his chest was covered with fine dark hair. Although his body was considerably older than hers, it was a mirror image except that it was harsher and male. Without asking permission, he climbed into the shower with Kelandris. Kel reacted like a cornered animal. She pulled away from him, cowering against the wall. Zendrak ignored her fear of him and his sex and reached for her. Water streaming down his scarred face, he pulled Kelandris toward him and held her in silence. He kept his hands free of the erogenous places, touching her only as a friend might. Trembling, she made fists with her hands but she did not strike him. She could not. In her heart, she knew he meant her no harm. And had never meant her any harm. He had been ensnared by the events in Suxonli as much as she had. And yet, she could not accept this—not entirely. He had made love with her and left her just before the revel began. And when the night turned from a festival into a trial, Zendrak was nowhere to be found. Kelandris had never found a way to
forgive him for this. Nor had she ever been able to bring herself to question him about his disappearance that night. She feared he would tell her that he was on Rimble's business. Kelandris could not bear the possibility that Trickster's business might be more important than her sanity—or life. Standing in the shower with him so close now, she felt she must now ask. Clearly he wanted to make love with her. This was an impossibility as long as she felt he had betrayed her. Kelandris raised her head. Without introduction, she asked, «Why did you leave?» Understanding the question without need of amplification, Zendrak said, «I left because I was overwhelmed with my own feelings for you. The smell of your blood that night acted wildly on my senses—it was a Tricksterish thing. And a Mythrrim thing. Until that time, I had not known there was
anyone like me in all the world. I thought I was alone.» He paused, his face
contorting with the pain of that statement. «Can you imagine what it is like to walk the world for five hundred years with no hope of ever meeting anyone who would understand what I am? And then there you were—so beautiful, so trusting, so willing to love me. I was taken unawares, Kel. And it hit me very hard. I know this cannot make sense to you now. But I was used to my loneliness, in one night, you changed all of that forever.» He paused, stroking her wet hair with his long fingers. «Rimble-Rimble on me,» he said quietly. «Then why did you come back at all?» she asked bitterly. Zendrak took a deep breath. «I heard your scream, Kel. Overneath time, on the back of Further, I heard your scream. It shocked me. I fell off my mare—between time and space. If Further hadn't gone after me, I would've been lost in a backwash of time. I ride the lines of coincidence. It is a
dangerous business. When I reached you, I was ill myself. It was all I could do to take you across the border into Piedmerri.» There was a long silence between them. Kelandris turned away from Zendrak, her face to the wall of the steaming shower, her arms over her belly, her fists clenched. Zendrak moved closer to her but did not touch her. «Talk to me,» he whispered fiercely. «I—I can't,» she said, her face twisting in agony. Zendrak swore, looking at the floor of the shower. Hot water swirled over
his toes. He raised his head, his expression wild. «Speak to me, Kel. You've kept these things in your heart for seventeen years, my beloved. They have rotted there and made you mad. For Presence sake, speak. Free us both from Suxonli.» Kelandris leaned back against the shower wall, her chin lifted, her eyes closed. She took a ragged breath and said, «I was pregnant.»
«I know that,» replied Zendrak fiercely. «You lost the child during the Ritual of Akindo. The holovespa dose they gave you changed your genes. The draw knew this. So the child was given to Fasilla by the draw. She had been raped by Cobeth only an hour or so before the Ritual—conception hadn't taken place. And wouldn't have if the blasted draw hadn't intervened. For that I cursed it. I would've rather had a monster than give that child—born of our love—to someone else.» Kelandris swallowed. «What noble sentiments. That's a very pretty picture, Zendrak.» Zendrak snorted. «I'd hardly call it that, Kelandris.» «A very pretty picture that you've been telling yourself for years.» Zendrak stiffened. «I beg your pardon?» Kelandris regarded him coolly. «You've been lying to yourself—» Zendrak stared at Kelandris. «I never lie—» «Yes, you do,» she countered, her voice hard. «I am a Mythrrim now. Thanks to you—and I do thank you for it—I am a Mythrrim who can remember
telling The Turn of Trickster's Daughter in the Great Library Maze last fall.» There was a short silence. «So?» said Zendrak impatiently, his dark eyes hooded. «So I know what happened. Let me quote you the lines: «Touching her battered body with a lover's care The King lifted the Queen to the back of his mare, Riding in silence, they left Tammirring. Now Zendrak crossed the border shift and wilds, Listening to the Queen's frantic whimpering— He realized she would lose their unborn child.» Zendrak's face contorted with fury. «You think I'm a murderer? I'm telling you, the draw intervened! You think I would willingly take you across the draw border and cause you to abort our own child?»
Kelandris laughed raggedly. «I think that's exactly what you did. It's funny I never saw it before so clearly. Being branded as a murderer myself, I guess I never thought to accuse you of the same crime. I suppose I needed you to be stainless. It made my own degradation bearable.» Zendrak said nothing. After a few moments, he said, «I'm getting out.» «Out of the shower? Or out of the conversation?» said Kelandris icily. Then she added, «Some Greatkin you are. We're supposed to be exemplars of truth, you know. Makes the two-leggeds nervous when we aren't.» Zendrak glared at her and climbed out of the shower. Kelandris sat down in the shower and began to weep quietly, the water beating on her face and knees and drowning out her sobs. Being a Greatkin, Zendrak felt her pain and was brought up short by it. Swearing, he took off the yellow towel he had just wrapped around his torso and climbed back in the shower with Kelandris. He put his arms around her. She reached for him soundlessly. After a few minutes, Zendrak pulled back and said, «I had no idea you claiming your Mythrrim inheritance would trigger a memory like this one. I thought the Ritual of Akindo had wiped it from your mind. You see, I didn't want you to know, Kelandris. About taking you across the draw. I didn't think you would be able to forgive me.» Kelandris raised her face, her expression exhausted. «I'm not sure I ever shall,» she said simply. Zendrak groaned. «How am I to live with that?» «How am I to live with what you did?» Zendrak ran his fingers through his wet, black hair slowly. «There was a reason for that abortion, Kelandris.» «Right. Rimble made you do it, I suppose?» Zendrak swallowed. He disengaged himself from Kelandris fully. «No. Rimble didn't make me do it. But he pointed out what would happen if I didn't do it.» «And what exactly was that?» asked Kelandris, her voice cruel. Zendrak put his head in his hands. «When I saw what Hennin had done to you—what the whole village had done to you—I cursed the draw—»
