He put the book down and looked at her. She was smartly dressed in a light-green linen dress, and she held a small, brown clutch bag in front of her like a shield. She had put a streak in her hair and it looked good. It also made him feel a sharp and twisting stab of jealousy -had it been her idea, or that of the man she lived and slept with? She was beautiful.
“Come in,” he said. “Come in and sit down.”
She crossed the room and suddenly he saw himself as she must see him-too thin, his body slumped a little to one side in the chair by the window, his legs stuck out straight on the hassock, dressed in a johnny and a cheap hospital bathrobe.
“As you can see, I put on my tux,” he said.
“You look fine. “She kissed his cheek and a hundred memories shuffled brightly through his mind like a doubled pack of cards. She sat in the other chair, crossed her legs, and tugged at the hem of her dress.
They looked at each other without saying anything.
He saw that she was very nervous. If someone were to touch her on the shoulder, she would probably spring right out of her seat.
“I didn't know if I should come,” she said, “but I really wanted to.”
“I'm glad you did.”
Like strangers on a bus, he thought dismally. It's got to be more than this, doesn't it?
“So how're you doing?” she asked.
He smiled. “I've been in the war. Want to see my battle scars?” He raised his gown over his knees, showing the S-shaped incisions that were now beginning to heal. They were still red and hashmarked with stitches.
“Oh, my Lord, what are they doing to you?”
“They're trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together again,” Johnny said. “All the king's horses, all the king's men, and all the king's doctors. So I guess… “And then he stopped, because she was crying.
“Don't say it like that. Johnny,” she said. “Please don't say it like that.”
“I'm sorry. It was just… I was trying to joke about it. “Was that it? Had he been trying to laugh it off or had it been a way of saying, Thanks for coming to see me, they're cutting me to pieces?
“Can you? Can you joke about it?” She had gotten a Kleenex from the clutch bag and was wiping her eyes with it.
“Not very often. I guess seeing you again… the defenses go up, Sarah.”
“Are they going to let you out of here?”
“Eventually. It's like running the gauntlet in the old days, did you ever read about that? If I'm still alive after every Indian in the tribe has had a swing at me with his tomahawk, I get to go free.”
“This summer?”
“No, I… I don't think so.”
“I'm so sorry it happened,” she said, so low he could barely hear her. “I try to figure out why… or how things could have changed -,. and it just robs me of sleep. if I hadn't eaten that bad hot dog… if you had stayed instead of going back… “She shook her head and looked at him, her eyes red. “It seems sometimes there's no percentage.
Johnny smiled. “Double zero. House spin. Hey, you remember that? I clobbered that Wheel, Sarah.”
“Yes. You won over five hundred dollars.
He looked at her, still smiling, but now the smile was puzzled, wounded almost. “You want to know something funny? My doctors think maybe the reason I lived was because I had some sort of head injury when I was young. But I couldn't remember any, and neither could my mom and dad. But it seems like every time I think of it, I flash on that Wheel of Fortune… and a smell like burning rubber.”
“Maybe you were in a car accident… “she began doubtfully.
“No, I don't think that's it. But it's like the Wheel was my warning… and I ignored it.”
She shifted a little and said uneasily, “Don't, Johnny.”
He shrugged. “Or maybe it was just that I used up four years of luck in one evening. But look at this, Sarah. “Carefully, painfully, he took one leg off the hassock, bent it to a ninety degree angle, then stretched it out on the hassock again. “Maybe they can put Humpty back together again. When I woke up, I couldn't do that, and I couldn't get my legs to straighten out as much as they are now, either.”
“And you can think, Johnny,” she said. “You can talk. We all thought that… you know.”
“Yeah, Johnny the turnip. “A silence fell between them again, awkward and heavy. Johnny broke it by saying with forced brightness, “So how's by you?”
“Well… I'm married. I guess you knew that.”
“Dad told me.”
“He's such a fine man,” Sarah said. And then, in a burst, “I couldn't wait, Johnny. I'm sorry about that, too. The doctors said you'd never come out of it, that you'd get lower and lower until you just… just slipped away. And
even if I had known… “She looked up at him with an uneasy expression of defense on her face. “Even if I had known, Johnny, I don't think I could have waited. Four-and-a-half years is a long time.”
“Yeah, it is,” he said. “That's a hell of a long time. You want to hear something morbid? I got them to bring me four years worth of news magazines just so I could see who died. Truman. Janis Joplin. Jimi Hendrix-Jesus, I thought of him doing “Purple Haze” and I could hardly believe it. Dan Blocker. And you and me. We just slipped away.”
“I feel so bad about it,” she said, nearly whispering. “So damn guilty. But I love the guy, Johnny. I love him a lot.”
“Okay, that's what matters.”
“His name is Walt Hazlett, and he's a…”
“I think I'd rather hear about your kid,” Johnny said. “No offense, huh?”
“He's a peach,” she said, smiling. “He's seven months old now. His name is Dennis but we call him Denny. He's named after his paternal grandfather.”
“Bring him in sometime. I'd like to see him.”
“I will,” Sarah said, and they smiled at each other falsely, knowing that nothing of the kind was ever going to happen. “Johnny, is there anything that you need?”
Only you, babe. And the last four-and-a-half years back again.
“Nah,” he said. “You still teachin?”
“Still teachin, for a while yet,” she agreed.
“Still snortin that wicked cocaine?”
“Oh Johnny, you haven't changed. Same old tease.”
“Same old tease,” he agreed, and the silence fell between them again with an almost audible thump.
“Can I come see you again?”
“Sure,” he said. “That would be fine, Sarah. “He hesitated, not wanting it to end so inconclusively, not wanting to hurt her or himself if it could be avoided. Wanting to say something honest.
“Sarah,” he said, “you did the right thing.”
“Did I?” she asked. She smiled, and it trembled at the corners of her mouth. “I wonder. It all seems so cruel and… I can't help it, so wrong. I love my husband and my baby, and when Walt says that someday we're going to be living in the finest house in Bangor, I believe him. He says someday he's going to run for Bill Cohen's seat in the House, and I believe that, too. He says someday someone from Maine is going to be elected president, and I can almost believe that. And I come in here and look at your poor legs… “She was beginning to cry again now. “They look like they went through a Mixmaster or something and you're so thin…
“No, Sarah, don't.”
“You're so thin and it seems wrong and cruel and I hate it, I hate it, because it isn't right at all, none of it!”
“Sometimes nothing is right, I guess,” he said. “Tough old world. Sometimes you just have to do what you can and try to live with it. You go and be happy, Sarah. Ann if you want to come and see me, come on and come. Bring a cribbage board.”
“I will,” she said. “I'm sorry to cry. Not very cheery for you, huh?”
“It's all right,” he said, and smiled. “You want to get off that cocaine, baby. Your nose'll fall off.”
She laughed a little. “Same old Johnny,” she said. Suddenly she bent and kissed his mouth. “0h Johnny, be well soon.”
He looked at her thoughtfully as she drew away.
“Johnny?”
“You didn't leave it,” he said. “No, you didn't leave it at all.”
“Leave what?” She was frowning in puzzlement.
“Your wedding ring. You didn't leave it in Montreal.”
He had put his hand up to his forehead and was rubbing the patch of skin over his right eye with his fingers. His arm cast a shadow and she saw with something very like superstitious fear that his face was half-light, half-dark. It made her think of the Halloween mask he had scared her with. She and Walt had honeymooned in Montreal, but how could Johnny know that? Unless maybe Herb had told him. Yes, that was almost certainly it. But only she and Walt knew that she had lost her wedding ring somewhere in the hotel room. No one else knew because he had bought her another ring before they flew home. She had been too embarrassed to tell anyone, even her mother.
“How…
Johnny frowned deeply, then smiled at her. His hand fell away from his forehead and clasped its mate in his lap.
“It wasn't sized right,” he said. “You were packing, don't you remember, Sarah? He was out buying something and you were packing. He was out buying… buying… don't know. It's in the dead zone.”
Dead zone?
“He went out to a novelty shop and bought a whole bunch of silly stuff as souvenirs. Whoopee cushions and things like that. But Johnny, how could you know I lost my r…
“You were packing. The ring wasn't sized right, it was a lot too big. You were going to have it taken care of when you got back. But in the meantime, you…… That puzzled frown began to return, then cleared immediately. He smiled at her. “You stuffed it with toilet paper!”
There was no question about the fear now. It was coiling lazily in her stomach like cold water. Her hand crept up to her throat and she stared at him, nearly hypnotized. He's got the same look in his eyes, that same cold amused look that he had when he was beating the Wheel that night. What's happened to you, Johnny? What are you? The blue of his eyes had darkened to a near violet, and he seemed far away. She wanted to run. The room itself seemed to be darkening, as if he were somehow tearing the fabric of reality, pulling apart the links between past and present.
