He scooped the puck up in his stick blade, lacrosse-like, in a motion so fast that only someone who’d seen it before could fathom what was happening. To me, it was all in slow motion. It was Soupy all alone in the rink that afternoon months before, flinging pucks into the goal mesh from behind the net. It was Soupy practicing the same utterly absurd, utterly sublime move, unbeknownst to Blackburn or anyone else except me, in the moonless cold on the frozen patch behind his garage. The Rats and Fitters crisscrossed in my line of sight. I squatted low and eased forward so I could see through to Soupy. He raised his stick, the puck a black blotch on the white tape on his blade, and snapped it around the wide-open upper corner of the Fitter net. I raised my arms over my head and took a big stride, then another, waiting for the goal light, the last whistle, the explosion of the crowd. We were going to win the state title.
But none of it came.
Instead of the fans’ roar, I heard the clank-I would learn only later-of a puck bouncing off the crossbar. When I looked for the goal light, I saw instead the Fitter goalie pointing his stick in the air high above the rink. Everyone on the ice turned in my direction, looking for the puck.
Billy Hooper found it first.
He appeared, alone, legs in full churn, tearing down the boards to my left, Zilchy and Stevie in hopeless pursuit. Coach was yelling, “Back, Gus! Back! Back! Back!” I looked down to see that my celebration had taken me almost to my blue line, a good forty feet from the net. The puck fell from the sky and plopped to the ice about fifteen feet to my left and in front of me, directly in Hooper’s path. For one foolish instant I hesitated, thinking I could beat him to it. Another mistake. I started backpedaling as Hooper snatched up the puck. Coach yelled. The Fitter fans shrieked. There were still twenty feet between me and the empty net when Hooper pulled nearly even on my left. I was never going to outrace him. I had no choice.
I threw the lower part of my body across the ice, stacking my leg pads to form a sliding blockade. I hoped to flummox Hooper enough that he might hurry a shot that would hit some part of me or skitter wide. The crowd’s roar swelled in my ears. Hooper leaned hard to his left while keeping the puck just out of reach of my outstretched stick. His blades dug in and I felt the spray of snow like needles across my neck and face. He lost his edge. He fell. I ground my slide to a halt and twisted around and propped myself on Eggo. Other skates were scraping toward us. The puck had come to a stop ten feet from the open net, just out of Hooper’s reach. If I had jumped up at that very instant and dove and threw my stick at the puck, I might have been able to smack it out of his way. But I didn’t. Instead, in that sliver of a split second, I looked at Hooper. Our eyes met again. This time, his eye startled me more. Maybe it was because I realized then in the back of my mind that he had lost most of his dreams forever, and there I was trying to take the last one away. Or maybe I just choked. Whatever the reason, I froze. Not for long. Half a second maybe. But it felt for that half a second as if my arms and legs were stuck to the ice. In the years to follow, that half a second would become a full second, five seconds, a minute, a lifetime in the town’s collective memory. Elvis Bontrager got used to telling people, “I could’ve rotated my tires in the time he laid there staring at that damned puck.” To the people of Starvation Lake, in the wake of Soupy’s heroic effort, and despite my own heroics earlier in the game, I’d had a chance to keep the River Rats, and our state championship dream, alive. And I’d blown it.
The puck sat between us. Hooper lunged and caught the puck with the heel of his stick. I dove, finally, but the puck crossed the goal line inches ahead of my stick. Whooping Pipefitters piled on Hooper as I dragged myself away.
We sat in the dressing room, dazed and silent but for a few muffled sobs. Coach and Leo left us alone. After what seemed like an hour Coach came in and packed up the tackle box he used to carry tape and first-aid supplies. He looked around the room. “We’re done here, boys,” he said. “Get dressed and get out.” He turned to leave.
“Get the fuck out yourself.”
It was Soupy, sitting on my left. Blackburn stopped and turned around. “Excuse me?” he said. Behind him the door opened and Leo stepped inside.
“You heard me. You cost us the fucking title.” Soupy threw his runner-up plaque to the floor at Blackburn’s feet. “You put the wrong guy on Hooper and you know it.”
“Fuck off, Campbell,” Teddy Boynton said.
Blackburn set the tackle box down and walked over to Soupy. He leaned down until his face was barely two inches from Soupy’s. “I cost us the game?” he said. He smiled in a way I’d never seen before. It made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. He took Soupy’s chin in his hand. Soupy tried to pull away, but Blackburn held tight. “You pull that selfish little fag move of yours and I cost us the game?” he said. “You are a joke, son, you know that? A joke. Maybe when you realize that, you’ll be able to make better use of your God-given talents instead of wasting them on hot dog fag moves.”
“Fuck you,” Soupy said, still trying to jerk his face away.
“Coach,” I blurted. “Leave him.”
Coach let Soupy’s chin go and turned slowly to me.
“What did you say?”
“Shut up, Trap,” Soupy said.
“He’s upset,” I said. “Leave him. He didn’t lose the game. I lost the game.”
“Trap, shut up.”
“You,” Blackburn said. He reached across Soupy and jabbed a forefinger hard into my chest. “Jack!” Leo admonished, but Blackburn ignored him. “What the hell were you thinking, Gus, when you were just lying there staring at number seventeen? Huh? Why didn’t you kiss him?” He jabbed me again and I flinched.
“I couldn’t get up. I tried-”
“You tried?” He pointed his stabbing finger at the door. “Well, you know what? All those people out there who thought we were going to have a state championship in this town? They don’t give a damn if you tried or what you tried or how hard you tried. Because you failed. That’s what they know, and that’s what they’ll always know. How many times do I have to tell you, Gus? Nobody gives a good goddamn how. They only care how many. And you know what? I’m with them. Because right now we could have a state championship trophy in this room, but we got a little piece-of-shit plaque and it doesn’t mean a goddamn thing how anymore. Do you hear me?”
Soupy leaned between us and directed a low, hoarse whisper at Blackburn, as if he wanted no one else to hear. “He knows,” he said.
Coach’s head snapped back to Soupy. “What?”
Their eyes met. Blackburn backed away, raising his palms in a gesture of angry surrender. “Fine,” he said. “Fine.” He picked up his tackle box and walked out with Leo.
Soupy drove me home in silence. When he pulled into my driveway, I turned to him. “What was going on back there?” I said.
“When?”
“When you told Coach, ‘He knows.’ What was that all about?”
Soupy kept his eyes on the road. “Nothing,” he said. “Just that you already knew all that crap he was saying. I just wanted him to shut up.”
I wasn’t sure whether to believe him, but I just said, “Thanks.” We never spoke about it again.
twenty-three
I was editing Joanie’s story on Brendan Blake when she tapped me on the shoulder. She whispered, “Is there a way to listen to the messages without using the phone up front?”
“Why?”
“You’ve got to hear one of the Sound Offs.”
I found an instruction book for the message machine in a pile next to the copier. Joanie sat next to me as I dialed. She had a folded map in her hand.
“OK, I’m in,” I said. “What am I listening to?”
“Can you skip through the messages? You want number thirty-four.” I kept hitting buttons and hearing beeps until the automated voice said, “Message number thirty-four, received today at three twenty-seven p.m.”
The recording began. At first, all I heard were indistinguishable voices in the background, then what sounded
