them. “We were paratroopers,”
Rubin said, “each one a great guy, real quality; idealistic and all that.
You and I are about the same age, right?”
Michael nodded silently.
“So you know what I’m talking about,” Rubin said. “You know very well what I mean. Paratroopers, great guys to the last of us. Back then, thirty years ago, I don’t know, it’s tough to explain. What can I tell you? That I wanted to be an officer? That I was filled with militaristic ambitions? That that’s the reason I carried out an order? Was it even possible to disobey an order? Maybe it all happened because of the heat, because we’d already lost so many of our comrades; who knows the real reason why someone does something at a given moment? This is the way it was: they brought us in to guard Egyptian prisoners of war. There were maybe sixty, seventy of them, they were subdued, quiet. They were at our mercy, as the saying goes, bound at their hands and feet. The heat that day in Ras Sudar was insufferable, even though it was October.” Rubin fell silent, then after a moment let out a sound like a moan. “I can see it all now, just like it was yesterday or an hour ago,” he said. “Their eyes were blindfolded. Maybe that was why …”
“That was why …” Michael’s voice echoed Rubin’s, urging him on.
“That was why,” Rubin said, “all of us afterward were able … they were sitting the whole time, we couldn’t see their faces. We gave them water, and that was all. The only one we talked to was the doctor, and that was why we couldn’t … that was why we told him to walk away.
And only when he was at a distance … only then, we shot him in the back. I swear I don’t know who it was. We were told, ‘The tanks are on their way.’ We thought that meant Egyptian soldiers were on the hill-tops surrounding us. The commander of our platoon, Sasson—there was this command—I don’t know why we refused to carry it out, I don’t know why. The whole affair was so unnecessary that it’s hard for me even to describe it: in the hills there were thousands more Egyptian soldiers, like the sixty or seventy we were guarding, but nobody did a thing about them. Our prisoners? They sat for half a day in the sun, and we gave them water. Then came our orders to move out. ‘Head up north,’ we were told. We said, ‘What are we supposed to do with them?’ So over the transmitter and not … can you believe it, over the transmitter they tell us, ‘Solve the problem.’” Rubin fell silent, staring off into space, while Michael rested his chin on his arms and waited patiently. He caught sight of Shorer’s silhouette at the end of the corridor, listening to every word. Michael had a sharp sense of the gap forming between himself and the observers standing behind the wall as he bonded with Rubin. Rubin was not mistaken in feeling that a deep affinity was forming between him and Michael as he told his story. While he did not forget for a moment that he was a killer only just apprehended, there was something else—no less important—that begged to be said, to be heard by someone who could understand all these matters that perhaps no one would ever understand again.
“Sixty or seventy men were sitting cross-legged in the desert sand, and I’m telling you”—his voice suddenly cracked, and he whimpered—“that
this action, having them get to their feet and hustling them into three rows; I can’t forget how they shook their legs after all those hours of sitting,” Rubin said, hiding his face in his hands and sobbing. “It was terrible, terrible to see that. After that we carried out the order and mowed them down with their hands and legs bound and their eyes blindfolded.
And after that …”
“After that?” Michael prodded him gently, amazed at the tone of his own voice.
Rubin exhaled noisily, then speaking quickly, said, “After that our tank corps arrived, along with a bulldozer, and they plowed all the bodies into a pit. And the doctor …” He covered his face with his hands again and spoke from behind them. “He … he … he was …”
He moved his hands away and looked at Michael. “He was the only one I’d spoken to. In English. The rest of them were faceless …”
“So someone shot him in the back? Who was it?”
“We couldn’t shoot him in the face,” Rubin said, as if he were offering condolences. “He had a face …”
“So who shot him?” Michael persisted. “Sroul?”
Rubin’s head drooped. “No, not Sroul,” he said after a pause. “Sroul didn’t shoot anyone. He didn’t shoot anyone, except for … except those prisoners, the faceless ones, the ones we all shot. Afterward, when Sroul got burned—it was that same night—he thought it was divine punish-ment, and that’s why he became religious.”
“And no one knew about this whole affair?” Michael asked. “Not even Tirzah, until her last meeting with Sroul in Los Angeles?”
“We never spoke about it,” Rubin said. “Benny and I. Not a word.
Not with Sroul over the phone, either, or when I visited him there two years ago. Nothing. Not until Sroul told Tirzah. Because he was sick.
He knew his days were numbered. Sroul told her, and when she came back from America, she said, ‘You have a week to get organized. If you don’t come clean with this story on your own, I’ll tell it. To the whole country, on television, in the papers. I won’t let it remain buried under the sands of Ras Sudar.’”
Michael stared at length at Rubin, then said, his voice full of compassion, “She wasn’t prepared to keep quiet. So you had no choice, you had to kill her.”
“I told her,” Rubin continued, as if he had not heard what Michael said even though he had heard him clearly, “I told her, ‘Tirzah, look what I’ve done with my life since: I’ve been atoning for twenty-four years—twenty-four years! Do you want to turn my whole life into dust? A huge nothing? Completely annihilate me? Don’t you understand what damage you’ll do to everything we’ve been fighting for?
You’ll turn us into a laughingstock!’”
“But she wasn’t prepared to keep quiet,” Michael said.
“I came to the Wardrobe Department to persuade her,” Rubin explained. “But she was—how can I put it?— well, it’s well known: she was very stubborn. She was so pure, that Tirzah. She’d started telling things to my mother. My mother’s a Holocaust survivor. ‘You did to them what was done to your mother,’ Tirzah screamed at me. And then I saw red,” Rubin said. “I didn’t want her to … I had no intention … I didn’t want her to die, it was an accident. Something huge and terrible, much bigger than me, suddenly came into the picture. I’m not talking about anger or fear. Not at all. But this huge thing that Tirzah had bun-gled into so stupidly and innocently—my mother, the Nazis, the murder at Ras Sudar—those are the things that my whole life, our whole lives, are built on—our roots. No one would ever understand that. It was bigger than me and us back when we were ten and twenty years old. It dwarfed us back then when we were supposedly so strong …”
In the blink of an eye Michael could picture, with startling clarity, the line of Rubin’s thought. He shivered suddenly, and just as a feeling of alienation tends to explode into one’s awareness during the greatest moments of ecstasy, so, suddenly, did this thought push its way into Michael’s mind: “And so, in old age, you finally understand what it is to identify: To identify is a moment of identity.”
“We,” said Rubin. He could see clearly the ring of hostility and utter emptiness encircling him, at its center the tiny bubble of light and warmth that had formed between Ohayon and himself. “We, we, we were we, and if you shred this us-ness, all that’s left on each one’s shoulders is a burden too great to bear, literally too great to bear. In this us-ness of ours as the children of parents who came out of the concentration camps and this us-ness of ours as young men standing in the middle of the Sinai Desert facing helpless Egyptians, there
flowed something that robbed us of ourselves. When we cried as we listened to ‘The Song of Camaraderie,’ we cried for ourselves and for the lies the song told us. The ‘camaraderie’ we sing about every Remembrance Day, the camaraderie the song tells of, which we
‘Carried without words Gray, stubborn, silent,’ is what this country and this people saddled us with. We’d thought that the State and the People were a sort of mother and father, when really, no one was there but us, and our own broken-down parents.p>
“My whole life, our whole lives, are a cover-up for this truth, a cover-up for the murder of our mother and father, and for the murder we committed. It wasn’t exactly a lie; the fig leaf was not a lie, but a culture, a way of life. It was all we had. In fact, what Tirzah wanted to do would have been anarchy. What she was preaching wasn’t even post-Zionism; it was failing to understand the destruction out of which we arose and are, in fact, made. In her purity, Tirzah had preserved that Zionism, that constructive lie. Woe to that purity, that once I was married to, which I loved more than I loved myself. Woe to that purity; now it has overtaken me.”
And he fell silent.
“You pushed her, and the column fell?” Michael asked suddenly.
