to rescue him and I never showed up.”
She turned away and stared out the front windshield, silent. After a moment, he saw a single tear trace a line down her cheek.
“I don’t blame you, you know,” she said quietly.
“What?”
“I don’t blame you for what happened to Michael. I know you think I do, but I don’t.”
The air became like a dead thing in the car. Jaxon was having a hard time sucking it into his lungs.
“What are you talking about?” he said. “You left me. You said you hated me and you left.”
“I don’t think you remember things as clearly as you would like. I was out of my head with grief. I said things to lash out at anything and anyone around me. You did the same, but you decided to take all the blame and turn it into something you could hold onto. Something that numbed the pain, something that pushed me away. You drove me away.”
“You told me I killed Michael. You said that to my face.”
“I said
He pulled to the side of the road, angry drivers honking at them. He ignored them. “You wouldn’t look at me,” he said. “For days you wouldn’t even glance at me. Then when you did, I wished you would go back to ignoring me. I could see it in your eyes. Your baby-our baby was gone, and it was my fault. And the truth of the matter was, I knew you were right. I had let that monster have our son, let him take him away from me. I thought I was protecting him by going after the wrong madman, but in the end it was my mistake, my anger, my pride that killed Michael. And I hated myself.” He slammed his fist into the dash. “I still hate myself!”
Silence followed for a moment as he tried to get control of himself. He looked at her and saw silent tears streaming down her face.
“I would have done the same thing,” she said. “I would have gone after the bastard like you did. I’ve thought about that night every day. Thought about what we could have done differently, what I didn’t do, what we missed. I’ve tortured myself and cried until I thought I would disappear. I wanted to disappear. I wanted to join him. It didn’t make a difference. It didn’t change a thing. I’m still here and Michael is gone and no matter what, I can’t bring him back. Michael’s gone and so were you. I needed you, and you abandoned me.”
She turned toward him and looked into his eyes. “I know how much you hurt,” she said. “I know because I hurt just as much. I feel everything you feel. You didn’t believe that, but it’s true. I didn’t know how to help you then, because I couldn’t help myself. But I need you. I need you to be there for me. I can’t take another day of this. I can’t live through this nightmare we’re still in without you beside me. I forgive you.”
He couldn’t look at her. His mind was whirling and everything seemed out of focus.
“Look at me,” she said and reached up and touched his face. He turned to her and saw in her eyes everything that had meant something to him in the past. Everything that had been missing since the day his son was taken from them. He could see Michael in her eyes and something snapped inside of him. He could hear it break. A sharp, quick, SNAP! and then a release. Something eased inside and he could breath. At least a little.
“I need you,” she whispered. “I love you.”
He watched his hand move up to her face and touch her skin. The face he had loved so long ago, the face he could still trace in his mind if he closed his eyes. It was like touching an angel. A thing so beautiful and so forgiving, he gasped at the feel of her. Deep inside, buried beneath all the self hatred and loathing, he had longed to feel her, longed to see this look in her eyes, longed to love her. He pulled her to him and kissed her softly and she melted into him, the feel of her so familiar and so new at the same time. The kiss grew deeper and his hands moved over her, finding all the favorite places he remembered about her. Feverishly, he needed to touch every part of her, because he knew this wouldn’t last. Knew she would be gone and knew he would go back to feeling lost and ruined again. She clung to him hungrily and her hands clasped the back of his neck, fingers running through his hair like she always did and it drove him crazy.
Honking horns broke the trance and they looked at each other and laughed. Something passed between them and no more words needed to be said. He pulled into traffic and drove to his place where their clothes fell into a pile and she didn’t even have a chance to say hello to Reverb.
Afterward, as he held her, the afternoon sun warming their skin, she said to him, “We’re not going to let this happen to these kids. We’re not.”
He touched her face and she turned up to him. “No. We’re not.”
Chapter 39
Luke and Ellie had an epic day. The best they’d had in weeks. Jimmy and John had come over and they had all abused the air hockey table in the basement, then watched a movie while his mother made them supper. Chili dogs and tater tots. Even his sisters and brother joined in the party. Ellie laughed more than he had seen her laugh in a long time. It was good.
He could tell there was a tension lying just beneath the surface of everything, but if he didn’t think about it, he found he could ignore it. His dad stayed busy doing dad things, but even he joined in on a game of air hockey for a few minutes. He and Ellie beat him and his mom.
After Jimmy and John left, Ellie’s mom came by with her things. She stayed for a few minutes and talked to Luke’s parents, though Luke couldn’t hear what was said. Her mom looked distraught, but thanked them for taking care of Ellie. When she left, Ellie hugged her tight and held on to her. Her mother asked her if she wanted to come home and she said no. She needed to stay here for a little while. Luke would protect her. Her mother didn’t look so confident of that fact.
After she left, Ellie leaned her head against Luke’s and said, “I don’t think she wanted me to stay.”
“She’s your mom. She’s just worried about you.”
Ellie nodded against his forehead. “I miss her already.”
He took her face in his hands. “You can go home any time you want. You know that right?”
“Yeah. I’m just being a baby.”
“I want you to stay, too, but I know what it’s like being homesick. I don’t like being away.”
“But you like me here, right?”
“Duh?”
She punched him in the arm.
“I remember when we were in third grade,” Luke said, “and you spent the night at Sheila Everby’s house.”
She laughed. “You remember that?”
“Of course. You two snuck out and threw rocks at my window until I woke up.”
“And then we giggled like the stupid girls we were and ran away.”
“I knew it was you and called you back. You guys were in your underwear.”
“We were not!” she said, shocked. “That was pajamas.”
“Looked like underwear to me. I saw your pink panties.”
She turned red.
“Anyway, you guys stayed under my window for a long time and Sheila kept saying she wanted to go home but you didn’t.”
She was smiling. “You came down and she got mad and left,” Ellie said.
“Then we got caught and put on restriction for two weeks. Your mother was so mad at you.”
She laughed. “So was Sheila’s mom.”
“I missed you those two weeks,” he said.
“You did? I thought girls were ‘ucky’ back then.”
“They still are,” and he pulled away from her making a face.
She pulled him back to her and kissed him. “Are you sure we’re ‘ucky’?”
“Totally.”
