The Underground Man

“Jason, Fred, Carl. All of us, really.”

“Again we come back to why. Just they’re after his money?”

“Yeah, well partly. But that’s not really it.”

“Well, what is?”

“Well, I guess it’s about Julie.”

“Julie?”

“Yeah. You don’t know about Julie?”

“Assume I don’t. Who’s Julie?”

Jeremy snuffled. “This is stupid.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah.”

Jeremy looked at him. shrugged. “O.K. Have it your way. Julie’s this woman Uncle Jack met about a year ago. When the family found out they went nuts.”

“What do you mean, when the family found out?”

“Oh, like Uncle Jack had been acting different for a while, you know? Like not talking. Which wasn’t like him. So Jason and Fred were concerned about it. I heard ‘em talkin’. They were wondering what’s up. They asked Uncle Jack questions, trying to worm it out of him. He wasn’t talking.

“Then one day he brings her to the house.”

“Julie?”

“Yeah, Julie. I tell you, Jason nearly hit the roof.”

“How come?”

“Well, for one thing, she’s young. Well, not young young. She’s like forty. But compared to Uncle Jack.”

“So what happened?”

“I told you. Jason went bananas. Fred and Carl too. I mean, this is the worst thing that could happen. Like they’re all expecting one day Uncle Jack’s gonna kick the bucket and they’re gonna come into the money. And now this. You should have heard ‘em. I mean, it’s twenty-five years since his wife died. He’s never been serious about another woman since. Suddenly, at age seventy-five he’s got a girlfriend. Well, Jason and Fred take one look and see their inheritance going out the window. What if Uncle Jack should marry?”

Steve looked at Jeremy narrowly. “How would you feel about that?”

Jeremy shrugged. “Hey, it’s his life and his money. At seventy-five it’s hard to figure, but if the guy wants to have fun, that’s his business.”

“What about you? Don’t you stand to inherit?”

“Oh, sure. A nice trust fund with Aunt Rose in charge. Whoopdedo.”

“Still, something to lose.”

Jeremy shrugged. “Uncle Jack wouldn’t screw me. Even if he got married, so what? There’s enough to go around. Jason and Fred, they want it all.”

“And Carl?”

“Carl too, but he’s a numbnuts, you know? Well, they all are, but Carl in particular, you know what I mean?”

“Yeah. So what happened with Julie?”

“About what you’d expect. Jason and Fred start working on Uncle Jack, trying to poison him against her. I tell you, it didn’t work. He just got pissed off. Clammed up more than ever. Told them to fuck off.

“That’s when they got smart. Instead of working on him, they started working on her. Not directly, you know. They hired a private dick to dig into her background. The guy nosed around, and it turned out there was something to find.

“This woman-Julie Creston-she was an actress. Turns out Creston was her stage name. Her real name was Harwell. She was from Minnesota. Came out here when she was young, tried to make it as an actress. Evidently had a rough time getting started. Anyway, about twenty years ago she’s busted twice for prostitution.”

Steve nodded. “I see.”

“Yeah,” Jeremy said. “So did Fred and Jason. When they found out, they figured they hit the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. They took the report and gave it to Uncle Jack.”

“What happened?”

“He hit the ceiling. Went bananas. Screaming. Cursing. I was upstairs in my room, I still heard him. He laid it on the line. If they ever mentioned it again, if he ever heard one word of this, he’d kill them.”

“So what happened then?”

“Then they did what they should have done in the first place. From their point of view, I mean-really they shouldn’t have done nothing, it was none of their business. Anyway, instead of going to him they went to her.” Jeremy shrugged. “At least that’s what I figure they did.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I didn’t actually hear them talking about it. All I know is what happened.”

“What was that?”

“Julie disappeared.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Uncle Jack went to see her, she was gone. Packed up. Moved out. No forwarding address.

“So the way I see it, Jason and Fred went to her, dangled that report in front of her face. Told her they’d smear her with it.”

“How could they do that if Uncle Jack didn’t care?”

“Yeah, but she didn’t know that. And she was working now. As an actress, I mean. She’d done an Equalizer, a Kate and Allie. Probably told her they’d sell her story to the National Enquirer.”

Steve frowned. “That’s pretty thin.”

“Well, it worked. When Uncle Jack went to look for her, she was gone.

“Well, that’s when the shit hit the fan. Uncle Jack came back, gave us all hell. Never seen a man so mad. Screaming. Cursing. His face was bright red, his veins popping out of his forehead. I thought he’d have a stroke.

“And he’s ordering everybody out of the house. ‘Get out of my house!’ that’s what he said. Over and over. ‘I want you out!’”

“Did they go?”

“Are you kidding? They told him he was an old man, he didn’t know what he was talking about.

“Well, they knew what he was talking about, all right. They just didn’t believe him. Didn’t think he was serious. I didn’t either, frankly. I mean, he was just upset. He couldn’t really mean it.

“But the next day it was the same thing. He’d calmed down, but he hadn’t changed his mind. It was his house, we could damn well get the hell out.

“Of course, nobody listened to him. Nobody took him seriously.

“After a while he gave up. Stopped talking about it. Everybody figured it had blown over.

“Next thing you know, a moving van’s pulling up outside. The guys are packing up Uncle Jack’s stuff, putting it on the truck. That’s how we found out he’s sold the house.

“Well, naturally Jason and Fred are hysterical. What’s happening? Where’s he moving to?

“Found out he’s not moving anywhere. His stuff’s just going into storage.

“Jason says, ‘You’re crazy. Where you gonna live?’ Uncle Jack say he don’t give a shit, he’d rather live on the subways than with him.

“So that’s it. The moving van packs up and goes. Uncle Jack leaves with ‘em. Two days later the new owner shows up with the papers, tells us we got till the end of the month to pack up and get out.”

Jeremy stopped and looked at Steve. “So you see, he’s not crazy. Not like they said. He had a reason for what he did.

“So, whaddya think? Can you get him out?”

Steve frowned. “I don’t know. The way you tell it, it’s a sympathetic story, makes a good case. Will you testify to all that?”

Jeremy looked horrified. “Christ no. Are you kidding? These guys may be creeps, but they’re family. I gotta