Rassist, was how he pronounced the word.
“No, of course not.”
The killer stared at Andrew. “Well?” he said. “You want to save these girls, mister?”
Andrew coughed. I watched him. My husband’s hands twitched-his strong, fine hands I had often watched, gripping coffees, clicking across keyboards, making deadlines. My husband, who had filed his Sunday column from the departure lounge of the airport the previous day, down to the wire as usual. I’d been scanning it for typos when they called our flight. The last paragraph went: We are a self-interested society. How will our children learn to put others before themselves if we do not?
“Well?” said the killer. “You want to save them?”
Andrew looked down at his hands. He stood like that for a long time. Above us, seabirds circled and called to one another in that agonized way they have. I tried to stop my legs from shaking.
“Please,” I said. “If you will let us take the girls with us, then we will do whatever you want. Let us all go back to the compound, please, and we will give you anything. Money, medicine, anything.”
The killer made a high, shrill yelp and a shiver shook his whole body. He giggled, and a dribble of blood escaped through his neat white teeth to splash down onto the dirty green nylon of his tracksuit top.
“You think I care bout that stuff?” he said. “You don’t see this hole in my neck? I am dead in two days. You think I care bout money and medicine?”
“So what do you want?” Andrew said.
The killer moved his machete from his right hand to his left. He raised his right hand with the middle finger extended. He held it, shaking, one inch from Andrew’s face and he said, “White man been giving me this finger all my life. Today you can give it me to keep. Now cut off your middle finger, mister, and give it me.”
Andrew flinched and he shook his head and he curled his hands into balls. He folded the thumbs over the fingers. The killer took his machete by the blade and he held the handle out to my husband.
“Do it,” he said. “Chop chop. Give me your finger and I will give you the girls.”
A long pause.
“What if I don’t?”
“Then you are free to go. But first you will hear the noises these children make dying. You ever hear a girl dying slow?”
“No.”
The killer closed his eyes and shook his head, unhurriedly.
“It is nasty music,” he said. “You will not forget. Maybe one day you will wake up in Kingston-upon-Thames and you will understand you lost more than your finger.”
Little Bee was crying now. Kindness held her hand.
“Do not be afraid,” she said. “If they kill us today we will eat bread tonight with Jesus.”
The killer snapped open his eyes and he stared at Andrew and he said, “Please, mister. I am not a savage. I do not want to kill these girls.”
Andrew reached out his hand and he took the killer’s machete. There was blood on the handle, the guard’s blood. Andrew looked across at me. I stepped over to him and I put my hand on his chest, gently. I was crying.
“Oh Andrew. I think you have to do it.”
“I can’t.”
“It’s just a finger.”
“We didn’t do anything wrong. We were just walking down the beach.”
“Just a finger, Andrew, and then we’ll walk back again.”
Andrew sank to his knees in the sand. He said, “I can’t believe this is happening.” He looked at the machete blade and he scraped it on the sand to clean it. He put his left hand on the sand, palm up, and he folded all the fingers except the middle one. Then he held up the machete in his right hand, but he didn’t bring it down. He said, “How do we know he won’t kill the girls anyway, Sarah, after I’ve done it?”
“You’ll know you did what you could.”
“I could get AIDS from this blade. I could die.”
“I’ll be with you. I’m so proud of you.”
It was quiet on the beach. Seabirds hung low in the hot blue sky, without flapping their wings, upheld on the sea breeze. The rhythm of the surf was unchanged, although the interval between one wave and the next seemed infinite. I watched with the girls and the men and the bloodied dogs to see what my husband would do, and it seemed in that moment that we were all the same, just creatures in nature hanging without any great effort upon the vast warm wind of events that were greater than us.
Andrew screamed, then, and he chopped down with the machete. The blade made a whipping sound in the hot air. Then it sliced down into the sand. It was really quite far from his hand.
“I won’t do it,” he said. “This is just fuckin bullshit. I don’t believe he’ll let the girls go. Look at him. He’s just going to kill them whatever.”
Andrew stood, and he left the machete in the sand. I looked at him, and that is when I stopped feeling. I realized I was no longer scared. And I wasn’t angry with Andrew. When I looked at him I hardly saw a man anymore. I thought we would all be killed now, and it worried me much less than I would have expected. It troubled me that we had never got around to building the glasshouse at the end of our garden. A sensible thought occurred to me: How lucky I am to have two healthy parents who will take good care of Charlie.
The killer sighed and he shrugged and he said, “Okay, mister made his choice. Now, mister, run back home to England. You can tell them you came to Africa and you met a real savage.”
When the killer turned away, I dropped to my knees. I looked straight at Little Bee. She saw what the killer did not see. She saw the white woman put her own left hand down on the hard sand, and she saw her pick up the machete, and she saw her chop off her middle finger with one simple chop, like a girl topping a carrot, neatly, on a quiet Surrey Saturday, between gymkhana and lunch. She saw her drop the machete and rock back on her heels, holding her hand. I suppose the white woman looked just amazed.
“Oh,” I think I said. “Oh, oh, oh.”
The killer spun round and he saw me with the blood welling through my closed fist. On the sand in front of me, there was my finger lying. The finger looked silly and naked. I was embarrassed for it. The killer’s eyes went wide.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck,” Andrew said. “Oh what the fuck have you done, Sarah? What the fuck have you done?”
He knelt down and he hugged me to him but I pushed him away with my good hand. There was mucus streaming from my mouth and nose.
“It hurts, Andrew. It hurts, you
The killer nodded. He reached down and he picked up my dead finger. He pointed it at Little Bee.
“You will live,” he said. “The missus has paid for your life.”
Then he pointed my finger at Kindness.
“But you will die, little one,” he said. “The mister would not pay for you. And my boys, you know, they must have their taste of blood.”
Kindness gripped Little Bee’s hand. She held her head up.
“I am not afraid,” she said. “The Lord is my shepherd.”
The killer sighed.
“Then he is a vain and careless shepherd,” he said.
Then-and it was louder than the surf-there was the sound of my husband sobbing.
Two years later, sitting at my table in Kingston-upon-Thames, I found I could still hear it. I stared down at my damaged hand, spread palm down on the blue tablecloth.
Little Bee had fallen asleep on the sofa, with her G &T untouched by her side. I realized I couldn’t remember the point at which she had stopped telling the story and I had picked up remembering it. I stood up from the kitchen table to fix myself another drink. There were no lemons, so I made do with a little squirt of plasticky juice from the Jif lemon in the fridge. When I picked up my glass, the ice cubes rattled uncontrollably. The G &T tasted vile but it gave me courage. I picked up the phone and dialed the number of the man I suppose I must call my
I realized it was the second time I’d phoned Lawrence that day. I’d been trying not to. I’d lasted almost a whole week, since Andrew died. It was the longest I’d been faithful to my husband in years.
“Sarah? Is that you?”
Lawrence’s voice was a whisper. My throat tightened. I found that I couldn’t reply straightaway.
“Sarah? I’ve been thinking about you all day. Was it horrible? You should have let me come to the funeral.”
I swallowed. “It would have been inappropriate.”
“Oh Sarah, who would have known?”
“I would have known, Lawrence. My conscience is about all I’ve got left.”
Silence. His slow breath over the phone. “It’s okay to still love Andrew, you know. It’s okay with me, anyway.”
“You think I still love him?”
“I’m suggesting it. In case it helps.”
I laughed-an almost inaudible exhalation of air.
“Everybody’s trying to help me today. Even Charlie went to bed without the slightest fuss.”
“It’s normal that people want to help. You’re suffering.”
“Insufferable, is what I am. It amazes me that people like you still care about me.”
“You’re being hard on yourself.”
“Am I? I saw my husband’s coffin today, being shunted about on rollers. When are you going to take a look at yourself, if not on a day like this?”
“Mmm,” said Lawrence.
“Not many men would cut off a finger, would they Lawrence?”
“What? No. I definitely don’t think I would.”
My throat burned.
“I expected too much of Andrew, didn’t I? Not just on the beach. I expected too much of life.”
A long silence.
“What did you expect of me?” said Lawrence.
The question caught me unprepared and there was anger in his voice. My phone hand trembled.
