She thought I was asleep when she left, and it was true I
was in bed. I never told her how anxious I was when she
left, or how hard it was for me to sleep knowing I was
alone in the house al night. I'd creep downstairs and
console myself with hours of cable television. I saw a lot of
things I probably shouldn't have, but it also taught me a lot.
Even so, these notes. The commands. What had seemed
fairly innocuous at the start couldn't be confused for
anything innocent now.
The lists had been specific. Detailed. And now, explicit.
What sort of woman wanted someone to tel her how to
live her day? What sort of woman needed someone else to
tel her to be beautiful, to be strong? What sort of woman
craved the commands of someone else dictating her life?
I put my hand between my legs, on the damp cotton of my
panties, and felt my clit pulse.
What sort of woman?
I thought I knew.
I thought I knew.
Chapter 13
Here's a funny story made humorous by time, since it
wasn't funny when it happened. I was nineteen when my
mom had Arthur, which means that when she got pregnant,
I was eighteen. A senior in high school and screwing my
brains out with Mr. Popular Jock.
My mom had always been up front about sex and
protecting myself. Too up front, in my opinion, since my
sex life was the second-to-last topic of discussion I ever
wanted to share with her, the last being hers. Austin wasn't
the first boy I'd fooled around with. He wasn't even the
first boy I'd slept with, though the previous few times I'd
had sex had been so unremarkable and meaningless I
mostly forgot it had ever happened. I'd been on the pil for
a couple years already, but I made him use condoms, too.
There's nothing quite like being an ilegitimate child to
make a girl fear pregnancy. There was no way I was going
to end up the way my mother had.
Stil, when a condom broke I wasn't too worried. At least,
not until my period was late. Not even a warning cramp to
announce its pending arrival. I counted the days and when
we'd had sex—easy enough to do because it was pretty
we'd had sex—easy enough to do because it was pretty
much every time we were together, which by that point
was almost every day.
I didn't tel Austin what I suspected. I didn't tel anyone. I
went to the drugstore on the far end of town and bought
the first pregnancy test I could find. I came home and
drank a quart of water before I went to sleep so when I
got up I'd have plenty of pee to use for that first morning
