Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

HOW TO GET A MAN TO COMMIT

1. Get Yourself Ready for a Commitment

I’ll never forget the lesson my mother taught me about getting ready for a blessing. I was living with my parents, trying to find my way, and preparing myself for big things-in this particular instance, a new car. My old car was sitting up on cinder blocks in my parents’ driveway, and I’d been saving up my money and checking car dealerships and want ads all around town, looking for a more polished ride. One morning while we were enjoying breakfast together, I said, “Mama, I’ve been working really hard. I’m going to get a new car,” seeking out support.

At first, she didn’t say anything-just nodded. And then she reminded me: “Your old car is out there on the blocks.”

A couple days later, I announced to her my intentions again, and again, she nodded and repeated what seemed obvious: “Your old car is out there on the blocks.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t understand why my mother, who was usually much more supportive, appeared only lukewarm about my plans for a new car. The only enthusiasm she could muster up whenever the subject came up was that “your old car is out there on the blocks” statement. And by the fourth time she said it to me, I confronted her. “Mama, how come every time I say I want a new car, you tell me about my old one?”

She was quiet at first. And then she let me have it: “If God gives you a new car, where are you going to put it? Your old car is out there on the blocks. If you’re going to ask God for something, act like he’s going to give it to you and make ready to receive it.”

And you know what? What she said made all the sense in the world. I wasn’t ready for a new car because my old one was taking up space out there in the driveway. Like trash. Even if Ed McMahon had driven up in a new car, I wouldn’t have had a space for it until I cleaned up my mess. That’s just what I did, too. I called one of my partners and paid him twenty-five dollars to tow that car away. Then I hosed off the concrete and put down some new asphalt and cleared out those blocks and got that driveway ready for my new ride. Two months later, I drove my new car onto that nice, clean driveway and thanked God for my blessing. Finally, I was ready to receive it.

I share this metaphor with you because it symbolizes what women who truly are looking for a committed relationship must do to get ready for the blessing. You can’t get the man you want if you got all your garbage-all that baggage from the last guy who did you wrong, an ex you won’t let go of-in your figurative driveway, up on those blocks. You simply have no room in your heart if the guy you keep dating, even though you know he’s not the one for you, is hanging around. You may touch each other every once in a while and do things to make each other feel good, but on balance you’re lonely, he’s not there for you when you need him, and you know that relationship isn’t going anywhere. He’s like that old car up there on those blocks, taking up space.

The same is true of things that block your heart and your mind from being available for someone new-divorce, bitterness over a relationship gone wrong, holding on to the myth that all the good guys are taken, thinking it’s best to have a deep bench of guys to “play” with rather than focusing on making one relationship work. Each of these things keeps your heart up on those blocks-makes you seek out in the new guy all the mistakes and screwups that ended the last relationship, hold on to the bitterness, and brace yourself for something bad when you should be focused on finding something good.

You’ve got to stop looking for all the signs that the new man is going to hurt you, stop messing around with the guy who’s just wasting your time, stop holding on to the hurt and anger and resentment that came from your divorce. Call the tow truck and haul that mess out of there, and get ready to receive the man who is worthy of you.

2. Build a Fence Around Your Heart

To do this, you’re first going to have to let go of the stereotypes that paint men with that broad stroke of negativity. Contrary to popular belief and a host of bad information passed down from generation to generation of girlfriends, there are some good men out there. You wouldn’t know it by the stories many women share with one another: all the good men are taken. Men don’t want to commit, they just want to play. They just want to have sex with as many women as possible and don’t care about your feelings. If you hear this enough, you internalize it, then transfer the stereotypes to every man standing before you-whether he fits the mold or is the very antithesis of it. Once that image is etched on your mind, then you’re setting the tone for how you’re going to present yourself to the men who do come your way. You know how it works: He could meet you one glorious Saturday afternoon in the park-the sun could be shining, the birds could be chirping, and he could be as charming, funny, intelligent, and handsome as you’d have him to be, but in the back of your mind, the loop of conversations between you and your girlfriend plays on and on. The moment he answers a question the wrong way, you’re making assumptions about him and changing the way you’re presenting yourself to him. All of a sudden where there was a smile, there is attitude. Where there was spirit, there is defeat. Where there was hope, there is brooding. All because he said he doesn’t want to get married right away or doesn’t want kids right now. He may have meant, “I don’t want to get married before I finish school,” but because you’ve bought into the stereotypes about men and commitment, you hear, “I don’t want to be married ever.”

In essence, you build a twenty-foot brick wall with barbed wire at the top. I promise you, few men are going to be willing to scale it. Your presentation, your approach, your energy isn’t welcoming-nothing about you is saying to prospective suitors, “I’m available, approachable, and, under the right conditions, ready for love.” Sure you could be screaming it from the tower window through a megaphone a mile away from the fence you built, but he’s not going to hear you because you’re too far away, too high up, and too guarded.

Don’t get me wrong: there’s nothing wrong with standards. In fact, I’ve always said that you have the right to have them-must have them in order to get a man to take a relationship with you seriously. But do your standards and requirements reflect who you are and what you’re capable of giving back? Because not many men will sign up for a situation that isn’t fairly equal. I remember when I presented Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man on Oprah, there was a woman in the audience who said she had a list with two hundred thirty-six standards and requirements, and any man who wanted to be with her had to meet every last one of them. One of them I distinctly remember was that she wanted a man who is at least six feet, four inches, with a nice build and washboard abs, and that she had no intentions of settling for less. Well, I remember sitting there looking and thinking to myself, “If I were six feet, four inches with washboard abs, I’m not about to pick soft, short, and fluffy. I’m in the gym working my ass off, eating turnip greens and tofu, and you’re chowing down on smothered pork chops? No ma’am.”

You can have all the high standards you want and demand a man scale that twenty-foot barbwire fence just to go on a date or two with you. But the last thing you want him to say when he makes it over there is, “Damn: You made me climb over all of this and this is all you got?!” Why does he have to be a millionaire if you’re working at the shoe store? Why demand he have three degrees when, despite your native intelligence, you dropped out of junior college? Why demand he own and run a business if you can’t even pull together bus fare to make it to your job? Why expect him to treat you with respect, and be kind and loving and sweet, if on every personality test you take, words like bossy, full of attitude, and aggressive come up. This is what folks mean when they suggest your standards might be too high. You may have met him because you had on a miniskirt and some pumps and had a glowing tan, but he’s not going to stop and notice, much less scale, that tall wall of yours if you’re not giving him a reason to.

That doesn’t mean you lower or eliminate your standards and requirements altogether, either. You don’t build a one-foot fence around your yard and then let just any old body walk all over your lawn. If you have no standards and requirements, a man can cancel a date with you at the last minute without repercussion, he can sleep with you before you’ve got ninety days’ (more of that in the glossary) worth of dating under your belt, and he can call you two hours after he told you he would and then show up in the middle of the night for the infamous booty call. You’re essentially signing up to be mistreated by someone for whom commitment doesn’t matter. And trust me: if a man thinks he can have you without making a commitment, you’re not going to get a commitment from him.

If you truly want commitment, you’re going to have to build a four-foot fence around your heart-raise your standards up in a way that says, “Not everybody can come and play and dance in my yard. If you want to act disrespectfully, then go up the street to someone else’s yard.” It is those standards and requirements-the demanding he treat you with respect, the requiring him to call when he says he’s going to call and take you out