spun the coin and concentrated. I spun the coin and frowningly concentrated. I spun the coin. I blushed. I sweated. 'It'll work,' I reassured the skeptical side glances of Seth and Glory. I dosed my eyes and whispered silently, 'We need it. Bless me. Bless me.' I spun the coin. I saw the flare behind my eyelids and opened them to the soft, slightly blue handful of fight the nickel had become. Seth and Glory said nothing, but their eyes blinked and were big and wondering enough to please anyone, as they looked into my cupped hand. 'A dime is brighter,' I said, 'but this is enough for here, I guess. Only thing is, you can't blow it out.' The two exchanged glances and Seth smiled weakly. 'Nutty as a fruitcake,' he said. 'But don't it shine pretty!' The whole room was flooded with the gentle light. I put it down in the middle of the table, but it was too direct for our eyes, so Seth balanced it on the top of a windowsill and Glory picked up the half-finished shirt from the floor where it had fallen and asked in a voice that only slightly trembled, 'Could you do this seam right here, Debbie? That'll finish this sleeve.' That night we had to put the light in a baking powder can with the lid on tight when we went to bed. The cupboard had leaked too much light and so had the dresser. I was afraid to damp the glow for fear I might not be able to do it again the next night. A Lady Bountiful has to be careful of her reputation. I sat on the bank above the imperceptibly growing lake and watched another chunk of the base of Baldy slide down into the water. Around me was the scorched hillside and the little flat where I had started the fire. Somewhere under all that placid brown water was our craft and everything we had of The Home. I felt my face harden and tighten with sorrow. I got up awkwardly and made my way down the steep slant of the bank. I leaned against a boulder and stirred the muddy water with one sneaker-clad toe. That block of tekla, the seed box, the pictures, the letters. I let the tears wash downward unchecked. All the dreams and plans. The pain caught me so that I nearly doubled up. My lips stretched thinly. How physical mental pain can be! If only it could be amputated like-Pain caught me again. I gasped and clutched the boulder behind me. This is pain, I cried to myself. Not Child Inside! Not out here in the wilds all alone! I made my way back to the shank in irregular, staggering stages and put myself to bed. When Glory and Seth got back, I propped up wearily on one elbow and looked at them groggily, the pain having perversely quitted me just before they arrived. 'Do you suppose it is almost time? I have no way of knowing. Time is-is different here. I can't put the two times together and come out with anything. I'm afraid, Glory! I'm afraid!' 'We shoulda taken you into Kerry to the doctor a long time ago. He'd be able to tell you, less'n-' she hesitated '-less'n you are different, so'st he'd notice-' I smiled weakly. 'Don't tiptoe so, Glory. I won't be insulted. No, he'd notice nothing different except when birth begins. We can bypass the awfullest of the hurting time-' I gulped and pressed my hands to the sudden emptiness that almost caved me in. 'That's what I was supposed to learn from our People here!' I wailed. 'I only know about it. Our first child is our learning child. You can't learn it ahead.' 'Don't worry,' said Glory dryly. 'Child Within will manage to get outside whether you hurt or not. If you're a woman, you can bear the burden women have since Eve.' So we planned to go into town the next day and just tell the doctor I hadn't been to a doctor yet-lots of people don't, even today. But it started to rain in the night. I roused first to the soft sound of rain on the old tin roof of the kitchen-the soft sound that increased and increased until it became a drumming roar. Even that sound was music. And the vision of rain failing everywhere, everywhere, patting the dusty ground, dimpling the lake, flipping the edges of curled leaves, soothed me into sleep. I was wakened later by the sound of Seth's coughing. That wasn't a soothing sound. And it got worse and worse. It began to sound as though he actually were coughing up his lungs as Glory had said. He could hardly draw a breath between coughing spasms. I lay there awake in the dark, hearing Glory's murmurs and the shuff-shuff of her feet as she padded out to the kitchen and back to the bedroom. But the coughing went on and on and I began to get a little impatient. I tossed in bed, suddenly angrily restless. I had Child Within to think of. They knew I needed my rest. They weren't making any effort to be quiet-Finally I couldn't stand it any longer. I padded in my turn to their bedroom and peered in. Seth was leaning back against the head of the iron bedstead, gasping for breath. Glory was sitting beside him, tearing up an old pillowcase to make handkerchiefs for him. She looked up at me in the half light of the uncovered baking powder can, her face drawn and worn. 'It's bad, this time,' she said. 'Makin' up for lost time, I guess.' 'Can't you do something to stop his coughing?' I asked. I really hadn't meant it to sound so abrupt and flat. But it did, and Glory let her hands fall slowly to her lap as her eyes fixed on me. 'Oh,' she said. 'Oh.' Then her eyes fairly blazed and she said, 'Can't you?' 'I'm not a Healer,' I said, feeling almost on the defensive. 'If I were, I could give-' 'Yon wouldn't give anybody anything,' said Glory, her face closed and cold. 'Less'n you wanted to show off or make yourself comfortable. Go back to bed.' I went, my cheeks burning in the dark. How dare she talk to me like this! An Outsider to one of The People! She had no right-My anger broke into tears and I cried and cried on my narrow Outsider bed in that falling down Outsider house, but under all my anger and outrage, so closely hidden that I'd hardly admit it to myself even, was a kernel of sorrow. I'd thought Glory liked me. Morning was gray and clammy. The rain fell steadily and the bluish light from the baking powder can was cold and uncheerful. The day dragged itself to a watery end, nothing except a slight waning and waxing of the light outdoors to distinguish one hour from the next. Seth's coughing eased a little and by the second rain-loud morning it had finally stopped. Seth prowled around the cramped rooms, his shoulders hunched forward, his chest caved in as though he had truly coughed out his lungs. His coughing had left him, but his breath still caught in ragged chunks. 'Set,' said Glory, tugging at his sleeve. 'You'll wear yourself and me out too, to-ing and fro-ing like that.' 'Don't ease me none to set,' said Seth hoarsely. 'Leave me be. Let me move while I can. Got a hunch there won't be much moving for me after the next spell.' 'Now, Seth.' Glory's voice was calm and a little reprimanding, but I caught her terror and grief. With a jolt I realized how exactly her feelings were mine when I had crouched beside Thann, watching him die. But they're old and ugly and through with life! I protested. But they love came the answer, and love can never be old nor ugly nor through with life. ''Sides, I'm worried,' said Seth, wiping the haze of his breath off the newly installed window. 'Rain like this'll fill every creek around here. Then watch the dam fill up. 'They told us we'd be living on an island before spring. When the lake's full, we'll be six foot under. All this rain-' He swiped at the window again, and turning away, resumed his restless pacing. 'That slope between here and the highways getting mighty touchy. Wash it out a little at the bottom and it'll all come down like a ton of bricks. Dam it up there, we'd get the full flow right across us and I ain't feeling much like a swim!' He grinned weakly and leaned against the table. 'Glory.' His breathing was heavy and ragged. 'Glory, I'm tired.' Glory put him to bed. I could hear the murmur of her voice punctuated at intervals by a heavy monosyllable from him. I shivered and went to the little bandy-legged cast-iron stove. Lifting one of its four lids, I peered at the smoldering pine knot inside. The heaviness outside pushed a thin acrid cloud of smoke out at me and I clattered the lid back, feeling an up-gush of exasperation at the inefficiency of Outsiders. I heated the stove up until the top glowed dull red, and reveled in the warmth. Glory came back into the kitchen and hunched near the stove, rubbing her hands together. 'How'd you get the wood to burn?' she finally asked. 'It was wet. 'S'all there is left.' 'I didn't,' I said. 'I heated the stove.' 'Thanks,' said Glory shortly (not even being surprised that I could do a thing like that!). We both listened to the murmur of the rain on the roof and the pop and creak of the expanding metal of the stovepipe as the warmth reached upward.
