Every Last Drop

—Yeah, seems that way to me.She sighs. —Yeah. I think maybe we are too.She looks up.—He thought about you. Daniel did. —I doubt that. —No, he did, a lot.She flips a couple pages in the book, reads.—Simon. Again. An endless distraction, that young man. Adding up the time I've wasted trying to drill some kind of sense into his head. Pointless. No. Its not pointless. Simply tiring. My own shortcomings again. Impatient. Who was it that said it was my greatest weakness? Someone dead now. It could be the reason Ikeep trying with Simon is that it gives me an excuse to talk occasionally with someone different than the ones I've been talking to for so long. The Vyrus may be endlessly fascinating in and of itself, but talking about it all the time is boring as hell. Something interesting today. I feel hungry. Odd.She flips more pages. —That's toward the end of this one. The last one. But there's lots more.She points at the bracket-mounted shelves that cover two walls of the cubicle, every inch of every shelf lined with journals, notebooks, diaries. —Lots more. I started just pulling them at random. Then I pulled one from toward the end and saw your name. Simon.She nods at the door.—A couple of them had used it when they were talking about you. So I knew who he meant. Also, the way he described you. Sullen. Childish. Temperamental. Funny. That all rang a bell. So I found the first one I could with your name.She points at a red-spine notebook on the shelf. —That one. From the late seventies.She looks at me. —How old are you?I scuff the floor. —Closing on fifty.She nods. — Funny. Id never have picked you for the type to lie about your age.I glance at the door.—Look, baby, I want to get all caught up and all, but we should really think about getting out of this place as soon as possible.She presses the tip of her index finger into the middle of her forehead and closes her eyes. —You know what I hate?She opens her eyes.—What I hate is that I feel so stupid sometimes. I think about it. I think about you telling me you couldn't go out in the sun because of solar urticaria. That the blood bags and biohazard coolers were because you were an organ courier. That secret room in your basement.She closes her eyes again.—I think how it was so easy to convince you that I wouldn't fuck you because I didn't want to give you HIV. How you never argued with me about it. Neversaid it was a risk you would take.She knuckles her eyes, pressing away a couple stray tears. —Fuck.She wipes her fingers on her white skirt.—I think about all that, and think about all I know now, and I think, How could I have been so stupid? How didn't I see that he was a fucking vampire?She makes a fist and hits the floor.—And I hate that. Like I should have figured this shit out. Like somehow I should have put all the pieces of your weirdness and our fucked-up relationship together, mixed them up, and spilled them out and they should have come up vampire. Like that isn't utterly insane.I lower myself to one knee. —Baby.She jabs a finger at me. —Don't! Don't you call me baby.I reach, put a finger on the sole of her bare foot. —Baby.She presses her lips together.—Damn it! Damn you. You fucker!I squeeze her foot. —Baby.She slaps the floor. —You absolute fucking fucker!I squeeze her foot a little tighter.—Baby, listen, I know I got a lot to answer for. I know I. I know. But this isn't the time. We need to go now. Because in case you hadn't noticed, you're living in a madhouse.She's on her feet, standing over me.—in case i hadn't noticed? I noticed, you son of a bitch, I noticed that you fucking left me in this madhouse!I look up at her. —I'm back for you now.She claps her hands together three times, slowly. —Hail the hero, returned to rescue the damsel.I stare at her foot. Beyond pale. Nails covered in chipped red polish.—Look. I know. I know this is. Hard. I. I never told you. I thought. You'd think I was crazy. And you'd run. Or. I'd do something to prove it. And you d be more scared. And you'd run. And I'd never see you again. And.I paw the floor, looking for some kind of traction for my words. —And so I didn't tell you. And. But there's no time now because all hell is going to hit the streets and we need to get gone before it does. We need to.I look at her, lift my shoulders, drop them.She puts her hands on her hips. —Does it bother you the Count was the one infected me?I look around the room, anyplace where she isn't. — Yeah. —Yeah. Me too.I let myself look at her, see the anger, look away.—My blood probably would have killed you. It's special, the way it works. Only some can infect some others. I don t know.—Yeah. I read some stuff like that in Daniels diary. But I didn't say I wish you'd been the one to infect me. I just said I wished it wasn't that prick.I pull the smokes from my pocket, stare at the package.—I know. I know this isn't what you wanted. To live like this. To be infected atall. I know. I tried to protect you from. I. I'm. Shit.—You.Half of an ugly laugh escapes her. —You fucking idiot.Her fist hits the side of my neck and I go down and my skull bounces off the floor. —You think this bothers me?She picks up the cup of blood. —You actually think this bothers me?She puts the cup to her lips and drains it.—I was dying, Joe. I was really dying. It hurt so bad. And I was so scared. And I wanted to live. I prayed. I swore that if I could live I'd do anything. If I could just fucking live. If the pain would go away and I could not be scared and I could live. Anything. I swore I'd do anything.She squats in front of me, grabs my chin. —And I'm alive.She forces my face up, my eyes to hers.—And I don't ever want to die. I want to live forever, Joe. And I never want to be scared like that again.She holds the cup in front of my face. —And if this is what it takes, well, I swore I'd do anything.She lets go of my face and rises.I look at the pack of smokes I've crushed in my hand. I tear it open and pick a broken Lucky from the shreds. I put it between my lips. Take it out. Put it back. And take it out again. —I didn't know.She leans into the wall of books, presses her face into them. —Joe. Why would you? How could you? If It's crazy for me to feel stupid for not knowing what you are, it's just as crazy for you to feel shitty for not knowing I'd want to be the same thing if it could save me. Its stupid. It's all crazy and stupid.She looks at me. —And it could get worse.She splays her hands over several of the books. —He had doubts, you know. He had doubts about what the Vyrus is. He haddoubts about it all. And he was starting to think, toward the end, he was starting to think that the world didn't need to be remade in the image of the Vyrus, made so there are only Enclave. He had doubts. But that asshole. He's taking what Daniel believed, what was passed down for so long, and he's making it ugly and mean and dangerous.I shake my head. —You never met Daniel. You don't know what dangerous is.She pulls one of the books down and opens it. —He wanted a crusade. Of some kind. I know that. But he had doubts.I get up. — Baby, we should really.She snaps the book closed.—The Count, he doesn't have a doubt in his empty head. He's narrow and spoiled and, Joe, he's such a prick. And he's halfway to sending those fanatics of his into the streets to start it. All he needs is something to tilt out of balance and he'll do it. Then what? People will be killed. And this place.She holds out her arms. —It'll be destroyed.She slides the book back onto the shelf.—I don't want it destroyed. I don't want people killed. I don't want my friends here killed. I don't want to be killed, Joe.She faces me. —I just came back to life. I don't want to die.She folds her arms.—And some of them, they believe in me. Because I was the last Enclave Daniel found, they think I'm special. And because I fasted so long. And because I'm so fucking tough. Because I am tough. I can fast longer than anyone in here. I can take the pain. I can take the cravings and the cramps. I can go deep into the Vyrus and let it deep into me before I have to feed again. So thanks, AIDS and chemo, thanks for teaching me how to be tough. Because of that, there are enough Enclave who believe in me so that the Count cant just start a holy war whenever he wants.I nod, shake my head, nod. I look up and down.—Baby, that, all that, it doesn't. Matter anymore. What the Count wants, what these fuckers are all trying to get, power, whatever, it doesn't matter anymore. It's all going to hell no matter what they do now. And.I look at her, I try to cross the room to her.And stay where I am.—I could. I don't know. If I had a chance, the things I did, or didn't do, I could make it up to you. I could. I want. Just.I reach. —Just come with me. Just. Now. Come with me.A sound comes out of her, the kind of sound she made when she was dying in the hospital.—Years. Years of my life. Years while I was dying. I spent them with you. And you, you weren't who you said you were. You weren't what you said you were. You. You. You.Tendons jump in her neck.—The rest of it. I could go! This place, I could leave this place. This life, I could live it with you. I could.She grits her teeth. —But you lied to me so much.Drops are falling around her feet. —I know what you are now.Her fists clench, and a whiter shade shows at her knuckles.—But I don't know who you are.She points at the floor. —Goddamn you, Joe Pitt. Goddamn you.She charges me, slamming me into the wall, books raining down around us. —Goddamn you, I don't know who you are.I could say I struggle with that one, but it's not really a struggle. When there's only one thing to say, you just say it. —Baby, I'm just the guy who loves you. Same as always.She closes her eyes, leans her forehead against my chest, my heart stops beating. —Well that counts for something, Joe.She opens her eyes and looks up at me. —But not enough.She pushes away. —Not now.She kneels and starts to pick up the books. —You better go.I watch her, sorting the books, finding their places on the shelves, reordering Daniels thoughts.I think about the streets.Piled high with bodies.Back rooms crammed with them. Trucks hauling away the dead. I think about Coalition and Society and Hood and Cure at one another's throats. I think about it spreading to Brooklyn and the Bronx. I think about hunting parties of Van Helsings drawn by the chaos. And then organized hunting parities of soldiers and police.I think about the future.You cant hide from it. Dig a hole of your own, climb in, pull the dirt in over you, and the future will burrow up beneath you and pull you deeper.You can't hide from the future.But like most everything else, if you hate it enough, you can kill it.And I hate it plenty right now.I   take   off  my  jacket  and   go   through   the   pockets,   moving   my   few possessions to my pants. —Yeah, I got to go.She doesn't look away from the books. —Yeah.I hold out the jacket, the one she gave me on a fake birthday years ago. —Hang onto this for me?She looks at it. —Seen better days.I snap my Zippo open. —I still like it.She takes the jacket from me.I light up. —And I'll be back to get it.She shakes her head. —Joe, you shouldn't bother.I blow smoke. —Baby, you don't want me now, III