racks, more suitable to reindeer, which Mary Beth may have been thinking of. Worse, the antlers were soft; that is, they were constructed of a floppy material, and therefore these astonishing 'horns' were always collapsing upon the faces of the cows themselves-obliterating entirely their already impaired vision, and causing more than usual confusion in the creche: cows stepping on each other, cows colliding with donkeys, cows knocking down kings and shepherds.
' 'The cows, if that's what they are, 'Barb Wiggin observed, 'should maintain their positions and not move around-not at all. We wouldn't want them to trample the Baby Jesus, would we?' A deeply crazed glint in Barb Wiggin's eye made it appear that she thought trampling the Baby Jesus would register in the neighborhood of a divine occurrence, but Owen, who was always anxious about being stepped on-and excessively so, now that he was prone and helpless on the hay- echoed Barb Wiggin's concern for the cows.
'YOU COWS, JUST REMEMBER. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE 'LOWING,' NOT MILLING AROUND.'
'I don't want the cows 'lowing' or milling around,' Barb Wiggin said. 'I want to be able to hear the singing, and the reading from the Bible. I want no 'lowing.' '
'LAST YEAR, YOU HAD THE TURTLEDOVES COOING,' Owen reminded her.
'Clearly, this isn't last year,' Barb Wiggin said.
'Now now,' the rector'said.
'THE SONG SAYS 'THE CATTLE ARE LOWING,' ' Owen said.
'I suppose you want the donkeys hee-hawing I' Barb Wiggin shouted.
'THE SONG SAYS NOTHING ABOUT DONKEYS,' Owen said.
'Perhaps we're being too literal about this song,' Mr. The Little. Lord Jesus Wiggin interjected, but I knew there was no such thing as 'too literal' for Owen Meany, who grasped orthodoxy from wherever it could be found. Yet Owen relented on the issue of whether or not the cattle should 'low'; he saw there was more to be gained in rearranging the order of music, which he had always found improper. It made no sense, he claimed, to begin with 'We Three Kings of Orient Are' while we watched the Announcing Angel descend in the ' 'pillar of light''; those were shepherds to whom appeared, not kings. Better to begin with 'O Little Town of Bethlehem' while made good his descent; the angel's announcement would be perfectly balanced if delivered between verses two and three. Then, as the 'pillar of light' leaves the angel-or, rather, as the quickly ascending angel departs the 'pillar of light'-we see the kings. Suddenly, they have joined the astonished shepherds. Now hit 'We Three Kings,' and hit it hard! Harold Crosby, who had not yet attempted a first flight in the apparatus that enhanced his credibility as an angel, wanted to know where 'Ory and R' were. No one understood his question.
' 'We Three Kings of Ory and R,' ' Harold said. 'Where are 'Ory' and 'R'?'
' 'WE THREE KINGS OF ORIENT ARE,' ' Owen corrected him. 'DON'T YOU READ?'
All Harold Crosby knew was that he did notify; he would ask any question, create any distraction, procrastinate by any means he could imagine, if he could delay being launched by Barb Wiggin. I-Joseph-had nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to learn. Mary Beth Baird suggested that, as a helpful husband, I take turns with her in handling Owen Meany-if not exactly lifting him out of the hay, because Barb Wiggin was violently opposed to this, then at least, Mary Beth implied, we could fondle Owen, or tickle him, or pat him on the head.
'NO TICKLING,' Owen said.
'No nothing*.' Barb Wiggin insisted. 'No touching Baby Jesus.'
'But we're his parents'.' proclaimed Mary Beth, who was being generous to include poor Joseph under this appellation.
'Mary Beth,' Barb Wiggin said, 'if you touch the Baby Jesus, I'm putting you in a cow costume.'
And so it came to pass that the Virgin Mary sulked through our rehearsal-a mother denied the tactile pleasures of her own infant! And Owen, who had built a huge nest for himself-in a mountain of hay-appeared to radiate the truly untouchable quality of a deity to be reckoned with, of a prophet who had no doubt. Some technical difficulties with the harness spared Harold Crosby his first sensation of angelic elevation; we noticed that Harold's anxiety concerning heights had caused him to forget the lines of his all-important announcement-or else Harold had not properly studied his part, for he couldn't get past 'Be not afraid; for behold, I bring you good news ...' without flubbing. The kings and shepherds could not possibly move slowly enough, following the 'pillar of light' in front of the altar toward the arrangement of animals and Mary and Joseph surrounding the commanding presence of the Christ Child enthroned on his mountain of hay; no matter how slowly they moved, they arrived at the touching scene in the stable before the end of the fifth verse of 'We Three Kings of Orient Are.' There they had to wait for the end of the carol, and appear to be unsurprised by the choir charging immediately into 'Away in a Manger.'
