Missed It By That Much!

Max smiled at him proudly. “That’s the spirit that made America what it is today!” he said.

The party waded to shore. Then Max, 99 and Hassan said a last good-bye to the Peace Corpsmen. As they headed off into the jungle, they heard the leader address his companions.

“Okay, fellas,” he said, “this time, let’s show these savages that we can really build a bridge that will last.”

A cheer went up.

“Rah-Rah-Rah! Sis-Boom-Bah! Yeah!”

They heard the leader speak again, this time addressing the river. “Open wide,” he commanded. “This won’t hurt a bit.”

7

Max, 99 and Hassan pushed on into the jungle. But after a few minutes, Max called for a rest period. And when they stopped, he sat down on a small mound and removed his telephone shoe.

“What now, Max?” 99 asked.

“There’s something I have to find out,” Max replied, dialing.

Chief: Control, here. Chief, speaking.

Max: Chief, did you call me a while back? My shoe was ringing, but I was tied up and couldn’t answer it.

Chief: Who had you tied up, Max? Are you free now?

Max: I don’t mean that I was actually tied up, Chief. I mean I was busy.

Chief: Max, how could you be too busy to answer your shoe? It only takes one hand.

Max: Before this goes any further, Chief, would you just answer my question? Did you phone me a few minutes ago?

Operator: He refuses to answer that question on the grounds that you are unfair to Arnold.

Max: Operator, how could I be unfair to Arnold? I don’t even know Arnold. I only met Arnold once with his mother.

Operator: Have you got yourself trampled by an elephant yet?

Max: Well. . frankly, no.

Operator: I ask you-is that unfair or is that unfair? How can Arnold take your place if you’re still around? He just wouldn’t feel right about it. You’d be hanging around, watching everything he did, trying to catch him in a mistake. Max, this boy wants to make good, but you just won’t let him. Is that fair?

Chief: Operator, I think you’re being a bit premature. Your brother-in-law hasn’t even appeared to fill out an application yet.

Operator: You must be wrong, Chief. Have you looked under your desk? Arnold is sometimes a little shy.

Chief: He’s not under my desk. He’s not anywhere around.

Operator: He’s there. Max saw him enter the building-didn’t you, Max?

Max: She’s right about that, Chief-I did.

Chief: Then where is he? It’s no more than a hundred feet or so from the entrance of the building to my office.

Operator: It’s only been three days-give him a chance.

Max: Frankly, Operator, I think it’s Arnold’s mother who wants him to be a secret agent, not Arnold. And you. You and his mother are pushing him into this.

Operator: Pooh! If he doesn’t want to be a secret agent, what does he want to be?

Max: Missing. And I think he’s achieved his goal.

Operator: Sorry, sir, your time is up. Deposit another seven thousand dollars, consisting of the following combination of coins: twelve French francs, seventeen Czechoslovakian halerus, eleven Turkish kurus, nine Russian-

Max: Operator, stop it! In the first place, this isn’t a pay shoe. And in the second place, you’re just looking for an excuse to cut me off because of what I said about you and Arnold’s mother. The truth is, Operator, the truth hurts!

Operator: Seven thousand dollars in unissued foreign coins, Max! Put up or shut up!

Max: I protest! Let me talk to your Supervisor!

Operator: No can do, Max. All protests have to be submitted in writing. Where’s that seven thou?

Max: Operator, would you settle for my Diners’ Club Card?

Operator: Cash on the barrelhead, Max. Sorry about that.

The line went dead.

Max sighed sadly, then put his shoe back on his foot.

“Bad news, Max?” 99 said sympathetically.

“No. Not if no news is good news,” Max replied. “But I still don’t know who it was who called me when we were floating down the river on that plastic raft. .”

“Max, I told you, if it was important, whoever it was will call you back.”

Max turned to Hassan. “Hassan, it wasn’t you, by any chance, who called me, was it?”

“I was there on the raft with you,” Hassan replied.

“I know. But I don’t want to leave any possibilities unturned.”

“Max. .” 99 said, lowering her voice and glancing around the perimeter of the clearing.

“99, fess up, now, was it you who called me?”

“Max,” 99 replied, still speaking softly, “number one, I was on the raft with you, too. And, number two, I didn’t have a phone. But, Max-”

“I have two shoes, you know,” Max said. “You could have been using the extension.”

“Max, it wasn’t me who called you. Will you forget about that call? Max, I think we’re in jeopardy.”

“Nonsense, 99. I’m sure we’re still in New Ghirzy. If we’d crossed over into Jeopardy, I’m positive we’d have seen some border guards.”

“Max, I mean we’re in danger. We’re surrounded by a band of evil-looking cutthroats. They’re hiding in the underbrush. I just caught a glimpse of several of them.”

Coolly, Max glanced about. “Yes, I see them,” he said, speaking softly. “And I think you’re right, 99. They do look like Jeopardyians.”

“Max, jeopardy means danger.”

“I don’t care if they did get their independence and change the name of their country, 99, they’re still Jeopardyians to me.”

“Well, Hassan,” Max said. “Time for another miracle.”

“You got yourself into this,” Hassan replied. “Get yourself out.”

“Hassan, in the name of-”

A wild cry suddenly issued from the underbrush. A band of about a half-dozen evil-looking cutthroats, brandishing pistols, leaped from hiding places and surrounded Max, 99 and Hassan.

“If you’re the welcoming committee from the Chamber of Commerce, I’ll tell you right now, your technique could use some polishing,” Max said.

“Silence!” the head cutthroat commanded.

“It’s a very small person who can’t take criticism,” Max pouted. “You know, we grow in both efficiency and