Missed It By That Much!

Operator: That explains it. Arnold was probably expecting a trick. He knows how tricky secret agents are. Hide your office, Chief, so Arnold will be able to find it.

Chief: I will not!

Operator: You won’t even give Arnold a chance! Shame on you! Both of you!

Chief: I’m sorry, Operator. Maybe you’re right. I’ll move my office down the hall a few doors, if you think that’ll help.

Operator: That’s the spirit! And, Max, what about you? Will you get trampled by an elephant now?

Max (listening with one ear to the sound of the stampeding animals): I may not have much choice, Operator. There’s bound to be an elephant somewhere in that stampede.

Operator: Wonderful! Let’s ring off now. We all have work to do. Chief-get that office hidden. Max-fall down in front of an elephant. And, Max, remember-when you fall, fall on Arnold’s shoe phone! But gently!

Max hung up.

“Max, this scenery looks familiar,” 99 said. “Haven’t we been through here before?”

“I don’t know,” Max replied. “How about it, Hassan? Have we been this way before?”

“It depends,” Hassan replied. “Have you ever taken the short-cut to Provo, Utah, before?”

“Max!” 99 said. “I know where we are! We’re-”

Before 99 could complete the statement, she and Max and Hassan found themselves suddenly surrounded by the revolutionaries they had left behind hours earlier. They recognized the follower who had taken notes at their trial. Apparently he was the new leader.

“A-ha! We knew you’d come down sooner or later!” he said.

“Come down?” Max said.

“Thought you could escape by blowing yourselves sky-high, eh?” the new leader said. “Well, it didn’t work. Now, line up! We promised you an execution, and you’re going to get it!”

“Well, I guess this is it, 99,” Max said. “Our luck has run out. All we can do is line up. Now, let’s see, how shall we do this-alphabetically?”

“How about according to height?” Hassan said, “I’ll stand in the rear.”

“I don’t think that would be quite fair, Hassan,” Max said. “If you were standing in the rear, you’d be behind 99 and me, and the executioners wouldn’t be able to see you.”

“That’s the breaks,” Hassan smiled.

“No, alphabetically, I think, is fairer all around. Let’s see, now. . ‘H’ for ‘Hassan’ comes first. Then. . mmmmm. . which is next in the alphabet, ‘S’ for ‘Smart’ or ‘9’ for ‘99’?” Shaking his head, he turned to the new leader. “I’m afraid this isn’t going to work. Letters and numbers just don’t mix. The execution will have to be called off.”

“No, just a minute,” the new leader said. “I think we can work something out. How about lining up according to age?”

“Never!” 99 said. “I’d rather die than tell my age!”

The new leader sniffed the air. “What’s that?”

“Would you believe a lightning bolt?” Max said.

The new leader cocked an ear. “I think you’re right. I hear thunder.”

“That’s a stampede,” Max said. “In a very few minutes, a pack of fear-stricken jungle animals will come charging through this camp, destroying everything and everyone in its path. So, if you’re going to hold an execution, you’d better get on with it, before we’re all killed.”

“There’s the problem about lining up,” the new leader reminded him.

“It’s been my experience,” Max said, “that a problem is a problem only if you make it a problem. Now, if you’d just tell your men to go ahead and shoot, I think the problem of lining up would take care of itself.”

“I’ll try it,” the new leader said. “But, frankly, it sounds like only a temporary solution to me.” He turned to his men. “Ready! Aim!” He looked around puzzledly. “Men? Where are you?”

Max pointed. “Are those your men? The fellows racing toward the jungle, holding their noses?”

“Men! Come back!” the new leader called. “Running away won’t solve the problem!”

“I don’t think they can hear you over the thunder of the stampede,” Max said.

The new leader went chasing after them. “Wait! Wait! You’re supposed to be the followers- I’m supposed to be the leader!”

Max, 99 and Hassan dashed toward the jungle, too, using the trail being blazed by the fleeing revolutionaries. Behind them the thunder of hoofs grew louder.

There was a ringing sound.

Hopping on one foot, Max removed his shoe.

Max: 86, here.

Voice (female): Congratulations, Mr. 86! You have just won ten free dance lessons!

Max: Gee! That’s wonderful. But, at the moment, I’m afraid I won’t be able to take advantage of it. You see, I’m being chased by a stampede of fear-stricken jungle animals.

Voice: That is too bad. But is there anyone else there who might be interested in ten free dance lessons? It’s a wonderful opportunity. All you have to do to get your free lessons is sign up for an additional five hundred paid lessons, at a nominal cost of only three hundred and twenty- two thousand dollars. Where can you beat a deal like that?

Max: Hold on a moment, please.

Max turned to 99. “99, are you interested in free dance lessons?”

“Gee, I don’t know, Max?” 99 replied. “What dances do they teach?”

“I didn’t ask. Why don’t you talk to the girl, 99. She can probably answer your questions.” He took off his other shoe and handed it to 99. “You can use the extension,” he said.

99: Hello? What was it now about dance lessons?

Voice: Congratulations, Mrs. 86! You’ve-

99: No, no, I’m not Mrs. 86. I’m 99.

Voice: Congratulations, Mrs. 99! You’ve just won ten free dance lessons. And all it will cost you is three hundred and twenty-two thousand dollars.

99: Oh, well, that lets me out. I just couldn’t afford it.

Voice: Mr. 86? Are you still there? Do you have any friends who aren’t cheap?

Max: Miss, I’m afraid I’m going to have to hang up now. I think I mentioned that we’re being pursued by a pack of fear-stricken jungle animals.

Voice: Oh. Well, then, look, could you do me a favor? Put one of the animals on.

Max hung up and put his shoes back on.

“Max! Up ahead!” 99 said. “The bridge! The Peace Corpsmen must have rebuilt it!”

“And just in time,” Max said. “Apparently our luck hasn’t deserted us.”

As Max, 99 and Hassan rushed up to the bridge, they were met by the Peace Corpsmen. “How does it look?” the leader said proudly.

“Like it was built by a drop-out from the Massachusetts College of Dentistry,” Max replied. “Is it safe?”

“It must be,” the leader replied. “A bunch of people in flowing white robes just crossed it, and, after that, a bunch of followers, who were followed by their leader. It held them.”

“That’s good enough for me,” Max said. “99, Hassan-let’s go.”

“Max. . shouldn’t you tell them about the stampede?”

“Oh. . yes. Look, fellas,” Max said, “there’s something I think you ought to know. In a very few minutes, a