Missed It By That Much!

time and money. What kind of a weapon is boiled cabbage?

Max: I’m aware of that, Chief. After all, you could hardly be expected to order your men to attack a KAOS installation armed with pots of boiled brassica oleracia. It just wouldn’t be dignified. But, Chief, you’re wrong about the mission being a complete waste of time and money. I’ve captured Whitestone.

Chief: Great, Max! But are you sure it’s him? It isn’t just an illusion, is it?

Max: I don’t think so, Chief. He’s tall, white-haired and distinguished-looking.

Operator: So is my Aunt Martha.

Max: Can your Aunt Martha pull a rabbit out of a hat, Operator?

Operator: She can do better than that. She can put on a sweater.

Max: What kind of trick is that?

Operator: It’s called: pulling the wool over your own eyes.

Chief: Never mind her, Max. Just get Whitestone back here to headquarters as quickly as you can. I won’t feel that this mission is a complete success until he’s behind bars.

Operator: Chief, you know Max will never get Whitestone back to headquarters. He’ll muff it. Doesn’t he always? Chief, tell Max to stay right where he is, and send Arnold to get Whitestone. Please, Chief, give Arnold another chance!

Max: Another chance? Chief, did Arnold finally show up?

Chief: You might say that, Max. We found him in the telephone booth on the main floor. He was dangling there. His finger was caught in the dial.

Operator: It could happen to anybody.

Max: Chief, you know, she’s right about that-it could happen to anybody. The question is, did he do anything to free himself?

Chief: He kept dialing numbers, trying to reach me.

Max: Did he finally get you?

Chief: No. He got the Busy Bee Bakery in Eskilstuna, Sweden, Frank’s Bar amp; Grill in Chinde, Mozambique, Darla’s Dress Shoppe in Matagalpa, Nicaragua, and Bob’s Kangaroo and Koala Bear Hospital in Sydney, Australia. Our telephone bill is going to be outrageous. Oh, yes, and he got two D.A.s.

Max: D.A.s?

Chief: Two numbers that didn’t answer.

Max: Oh. Listen, Chief, will you tell Arnold that I’m sorry about that. But he hung up before I could get to my shoe.

Chief: He isn’t here, Max. Agent 44 found him hanging by his finger and released him. I believe his mother took him home.

Operator: I’ll give him your message, Max. As soon as he stops sobbing his little heart out.

Max: Thank you, Operator. Chief-I think I better hang up now. Whitestone is beginning to get that crafty look in his eyes. The sooner I get him back to the States, the better.

Chief: Good thinking, Max. Be careful. Don’t let him trick you with another illusion.

Max: I don’t think there’s anything to worry about on that score, Chief. I’m wise to him now. Anything I see that looks the least bit fishy, I’ll avoid.

Chief: Good luck, Max.

Operator: And, as we say in my country, Max: May the Bird of Paradise lay its eggs in your onion soup.

Max: Operator, is that an expression of good will?

(silence)

Max: Operator! Operator!

(silence)

Max put his shoe back on. “99,” he said, “how would you take it if a Bird of Paradise laid its eggs in your onion soup?”

“For heaven’s sakes! Why, Max?”

“I’m trying to figure out whether the Operator was wishing me well or evil.”

“Worry about that later, Max. I’m afraid Whitestone is plotting something.”

Max retrieved the pistol from 99 and, pointing it at Whitestone, said, “Remember what I told you before: Pranking Does Not Pay. One false move, one attempt to create an illusion, and I’ll be forced to shoot.”

“With what?” Whitestone smiled.

“With this pistol, of course.”

Whitestone laughed. “Do you really believe that’s a pistol, 86? Don’t forget where you got it-from me. Would I be carrying a pistol? What need would I have for it? If I wanted a pistol, all I’d have to do would be create the illusion of a pistol.”

Max examined the gun. “You mean this is only an illusion?”

“Max. . careful. .” 99 warned.

“Actually, it’s a pigeon,” Whitestone said.

Suddenly a white bird was flapping in Max’s hand, trying to get free. But Max held tight. He aimed the pigeon into the air and pulled the trigger. A shot rang out.

“Shucks!” Whitestone said churlishly.

“All right, now that you know that I can’t be fooled,” Max said, “let’s get going. It’s a long ride back to Pahzayk.”

“Ride, Max?” 99 said.

“Yes, 99. I thought we’d take the subway. There’s the entrance right over there. See the sign above it? It says: Subway Entrance.”

“Max. . in the middle of the jungle?”

Max turned back to Whitestone, looking at him disappointedly. “Now, I ask you: was that really fairsies?” he said.

“It was fairsies of me,” Whitestone protested. “But was it fairsies of her? If she’d kept quiet, we could have ridden back to Pahzayk on the subway. Now, we’ll have to walk.”

Max faced 99 again. “99, think before you debunk, will you?”

“I only wanted to help,” Whitestone said, pouting. “I’ve come to realize, 86, how right you are. Pranking Doesn’t Pay. As of now, I’m turning over a new leaf. No more tricks. I want to get back to the States as much as you do. I want to get behind bars, and start paying my debt to society. I realize now that I’ve been a bad illusionist. I used my talent for evil rather than good. I deserve whatever happens to me.”

“It’s another trick, Max,” 99 warned.

“Maybe yes, and maybe no,” Max said. “Only time will tell.” He gestured with the pistol. “March, Whitestone!”

They left the clearing, entered the jungle, and proceeded in the direction of Pahzayk. Soon, they reached the river, crossed it at the falls, then continued.

“Notice that he hasn’t tried any more tricks,” Max whispered to 99. “I think he’s really reformed.”

“I suppose it’s possible. But I still doubt it.”

“You know, there’s a little good in everybody, 99. And I think Whitestone’s good has finally asserted itself. Look at the way he’s charging ahead, anxious to get back to the States so he can begin getting what he deserves.”

“I just hope you’re right, Max.”

“I think I know something about people, 99. And it’s my judgment that Whitestone has- Oh-oh.”

“Max! That was amazing! He vanished! Just completely vanished, right before our eyes!”

“Yes, and that’s not the worst of it, 99.”

“What, Max?”

“He’s making it very difficult for me to continue believing that there’s a little good in everybody.”

“86!” a voice called. “Get me out!”