Max Smart Loses Control

I’m going to have to leave you now,” he said to the captain. “The civilized world’s work is never done.”

“You’ve got somebody else’s barge to blow up?”

“That’s not at all kindly of you,” Max said, hurt, reaching for the rope that was dangling above him.

“For you, I have one word,” the captain said.

“Yes?” Max asked, pulling himself up the rope.

“Glubble, glubble, glubble!” the captain said.

Max looked down, intending to request an explanation. But there was no need to-he understood. The captain had disappeared below the surface of the water. “Anyway,” Max said to himself, “glubble, glubble, glubble is three words. Some people never know when to stop.”

A few seconds later, Max climbed back into the helicopter.

“Max! I saw what happened!” 99 said. “And I’m sure you did the right thing. Since you couldn’t rescue Number One, the only thing you could do was destroy her!”

“There were a few little details you may have missed, being up here out of hearing range, 99,” Max said. “But there’s no point in discussing it further. Let’s just say that the mission fell a bit short of total success and let it go at that.”

“That was Number One in the crate, wasn’t it, Max?”

“Not exactly.”

“Then-”

“99, remember what you said? About time being precious? Let’s not waste it, shall we?”

“All right, Max.” She held out her arm. “How do you like my new wristwatch?”

“New? You mean-”

“I had a window open and it rained in,” 99 explained.

“I don’t want to hear any more about it, 99,” Max said gruffly. “Drive on!”

Max and 99 began circling the harbor again, still looking for a barge that might belong to KAOS.

“All I see are garbage scows, Max.”

“99, I am positive-”

He was interrupted by a ringing sound.

Max picked up the air-to-shore phone. “Yes?” he said, speaking into the transmitter.

“Control’s secret airport. Shhhh!” a voice replied.

“Don’t shhhh! me; I didn’t call you, you called me,” Max said.

The ringing was heard again.

“How could I call you? I don’t even know who you are,” the voice said.

“Max-” 99 said.

“Just a second, 99. I’ve got a smart-aleck on the line.” He spoke into the transmitter again. “If you don’t know who I am, then I don’t know who you are, either,” he said. “How do you like that!”

The ringing continued.

“Max, it’s not the air-to-shore phone, it’s your shoe,” 99 said.

“Oh.”

Max hung up, then took off his shoe.

Max: Agent 86 here. Is that you, Chief?

Chief: Max! Where are you? I just got a call from Hymie and he told me you’d gone off on a wild goose chase!

Max: That just goes to show how much he knows about it, Chief. It was a wild barge chase. Right now, 99 and I are directly over the harbor.

Chief: Max, get out of there. Our weather section tells me there’s some strange activity going on in that area. You won’t believe it, but they tell it’s been-

Max: I know. . raining wristwatches.

Chief: Then it’s true? You saw it?

Max: We not only saw it, Chief, but 99 had the presence of mind to leave a window open. I’m saving a 17-jewel, self-winding, water-proofer for you.

Operator: And what do you have in your old kit bag for a devoted fan, Maxie?

Max: Operator, for you, I have one word: glubble, glubble, glubble.

Operator (wildly): This means war!

Chief: Operator, will you get off the line, please. This is official business.

Operator: He started it, Chief! You heard him: glubble, glubble, glubble!

Chief: He probably meant it as a compliment. Max. . are you still there? I want to know what you’re doing over the harbor when you’re supposed to be with Hymie. I told you to follow his orders. Yet, he tells me that you insisted on following some silly hunch of your own.

Max: Hymie is a little mixed up, Chief. He’s the one who insisted on following a silly hunch. I was motivated by my know-how and my many years of experience. And I think it’s unfair of you to make a judgment before all the votes are in. The proof of the pudding will be when Number One is found. Where was Hymie calling from?

Chief: From the Krunchy Knutt Candy Company.

Max: There you are, Chief. It’s Hymie who’s chasing wild geese. Considering the fact that Number One was loaded onto a barge and taken out to sea, isn’t it a little ridiculous for Hymie to be hanging around a candy factory? What was his excuse?

Chief: He’s found Number One.

Max (somewhat subdued): In a candy factory?

Chief: That’s right, Max.

Max (suspiciously): With or without almonds?

Operator: Boy, if this is going to be a war of brains, I can hire the hall for my victory celebration right now.

Max: Chief, answer me this: has Hymie actually made contact with Number One?

Chief: No, not exactly. He’s waiting for you and 99. But he knows she’s in there. He heard her ticking.

Max: Mmmmm. . heard her ticking, eh? Take my word for it, Chief, that’s not too reliable. He might have been hearing five-hundred-thousand wristwatches.

Chief: Max, that’s ridiculous. I want you and 99 to join Hymie at the Krunchy Knutt Candy factory as quickly as possible. And Max. . on the way. . don’t do any thinking for yourself. Just follow orders!

Max: All right, all right-blow the case! See if I care!

Max hung up, then told 99 what he had learned from the Chief.

“A candy factory?” she said. “Then KAOS must have transferred Number One to that other truck. Apparently, Hymie was right.”

“I’d expect that from somebody like that telephone operator,” Max said, wounded, turning the helicopter back toward the airport. “But I thought you’d be loyal to me, 99. As I mentioned before, you’re my own kind.”

“Isn’t the telephone operator, Max?”

“In this day and age? She’s automated. She’s probably nuts and bolts and transformers, just like Hymie.”

“Still, Max, the fact remains: Hymie was right, and you were wrong.”

“Or so it seems,” Max said huffily.

“What do you mean, Max?”

“Hymie heard a ticking. That could be anything. He could have been listening to a clock.”

“Well. .”

“Or a mattress.”

“A mattress, Max?”