Well, I’d get it over with, saddle up Critter, and go somewhere else and do something else. I ain’t one to cry in my beer.
I walked into that courtroom, which was thick with the blue smoke of cheroots. A man could hardly be a politico in Wyoming without puffing away on five-cent cigars the color of a dog turd.
“Ah, there you are, Pickens,” said Reggie Thimble, who was the big honcho in these parts. “Have a seat and we’ll land on you directly.”
He and Waller and Ziggy Camp were all parked in oak swivel chairs behind a big table. They’d brought in Lawyer Stokes, who was whetting his blades before he started carving on me. They were gonna make me stand. That’s how it worked. They would sit and I would stand until my feet howled.
“All right, Sheriff, you just tell it in your own words,” Lawyer Stokes said, a cheerful if slightly wolfish grin on his pasty face. I guessed he was going to be the prosecutor in this here inquisition.
“I got held up,” I said.
“You, Sheriff Pickens, got held up?” asked Stokes, sounding like a funeral oration. “How could this be?”
“Yep. I was doing my rounds, like usual, and the night was plenty dark, no moon anywhere in sight. I peered into store windows looking for crooks, and I rattled doors making sure the places were locked up good and tight, and I checked out the saloons, them two that were still lamplit that late, and checked out the drunks. It was just what I always do. And then it happened.”
Lawyer Stokes squinted ominously. “Would you care to elaborate?”
“Feller jumped out from between Barney’s Beanery and Maxwell’s Funeral Parlor, and waved a sixgun at me. He was wearing a black bandana and yelled at me to stop right there. I glanced around, looking for an accomplice, but this here bandit was alone, and he had a big old iron aimed at my heart.
“So I stopped. ‘Your money or your life,’ he says. And that sure got me to thinking some.
“I couldn’t quite make up my mind. My money or my life? So I thought to humor the skunk for a little, and I said, ‘You know, my pa always told me, Cotton, you ain’t worth two cents. So I figure that’s what I’m worth. You figure it’d be fine with you if I gave you two cents?’
“That bandit got plumb mad at me. ‘Your money right now, toss it down right there in the dirt in front of me, or your life.’
“Well, I figured it was a fifty-fifty proposition. My life’s worth about what I had in my purse, which was about a dollar and six bits. So I said to him, I said, ‘Your choice.’
“That only made him madder. He said he’d blow my brains out. I said I didn’t have any, least that’s what my ma was always telling me.”
“And then what happened, Sheriff ?” Lawyer Stokes asked me, kind of oily.
“I told that feller, come and get it, or shoot me, whichever came first.”
“And what did he do?”
“He shot my hat off. So I decided right smartly I’d give him the dollar and six bits, even though it meant going without breakfast for a while at two bits for pancakes, so I dug into my britches, found my bull-balls purse, and tossed it at him, real hard. It just bounced off his chest.
“Then he made me pull my pockets out, so I done it, and he got my Barlow knife.
“He says, ‘Take off your boots,’ so I done that too.
“‘Your feet stink,’ he said, and I nodded. Wasn’t no arguing with him there.
“He said for me to turn around and start walking away, which I did, and after a bit I looked behind me and he was gone. I’d been robbed.”
There was a real quiet in that room. They were all blotting up what I’d said. It came down to this: Doubtful, Wyoming, had itself a sheriff who’d allowed himself to be robbed right on the main street of town.
“And do you know who he was?”
“Nobody I ever seen before. Sort of blockylooking.”
“You’re the sheriff and you don’t know every lowlife in Doubtful?”
“Not this one.”
“And he got away?”
“I sure didn’t lasso him.”
“And now word is out that the sheriff of Doubtful is, will we say, a pushover for the criminal element? That there’s no good man keeping Doubtful safe? That the good citizens of Doubtful are in peril? That there’s no one defending the worthy housewife in her kitchen, or the blacksmith at his forge, or the lawyer in his chambers?”
“Well, if you were to give me a raise, I’d be worth more,” I said. “Make her forty-five a month and you’d fool my pa and my ma.”
Lawyer Stokes peered at me sadly. Then he turned to the others. “See how the man answers my questions. See where his deprived brain has led him. We are naked here in Doubtful.”
Then it was Reggie Thimble’s turn. “How come you didn’t just draw iron and blast him? You chicken or something?”
“Well, I don’t guess it’d get much done, not with a bullet through my gizzard while I’m clearing leather.”
“We hired you for your speed with a shooting iron, Cotton Pickens, and we expect you to make use of your speed.”
“Well, you got a point there, Mr. Supervisor, but I just didn’t see that as anything that’d do anything but get me dead.”
“You could have been a hero, Pickens. You could’ve sent a varmint straight to hell, even as you croaked. We’d have put up a statue of you in front of the courthouse.”
“Well, you got a point there,” I said.
Then it was Ziggy Camp’s turn. “How come you didn’t know this yahoo?” he asked.
“It was pretty dark,” I said.
“You’re supposed to know every lowlife in Doubtful.”
“Well, I do, but this feller, he come out of the night.”
“You’s supposed to know them all by their voice. You mean to tell me you didn’t even recognize his voice?”
“Can’t say as I ever heard it before.”
“What kind of voice was it? High and squeaky? Low and mean? What if it was a woman robbing you?”
“I don’t rightly remember, Supervisor.”
“Well, what kind of sheriff are you, anyway? How tall was this crook?”
“Neither high nor low, sir.”
“What kind of answer’s that, Pickens?”
“There wasn’t much unusual about him, that’s all I can say. Just an ordinary bandit.”
Camp glanced at Thimble and sighed.
Then my friend the mayor, George Waller, came up to bat. He sort of smiled, to let me know that we’d still be friends after they fired me. “So what have you done about it, Cotton?”
He was using my first name, deliberately, too. He knew how I feel about that name that got hung on me by my ma and pa.
“I told every bartender in town to let me know if someone was on a drinking spree, spending like hell don’t have it. I told my friend Studs, over at the poker palace, to snitch on anyone spending big-time.”
“One dollar and six bits is big-time?”
“Is for me,” I said. “That’s why I want a raise.”
“You want a raise? Now?”
“It’s not every sheriff gets robbed and lives to tell about it.”
They stared at me like I was a leper. I don’t know what a leper is but I heard it’s real bad and fingers and toes melt off. I still have all of mine, last I counted, but I sometimes have trouble getting past eight or seven, but they were all there last I took my boots off.
Lawyer Stokes intervened, flashing his fish-oil smile. “Well, gentlemen, you’ve heard the case in the sheriff’s own colorful words. Right ‘out of the mouth of babes,’ as the saying goes. So we know where we stand. Doubtful, Wyoming, lies naked to the world. Our young maidens live in peril of being ravished. Our sturdy storekeeps shake with terror that they will be robbed. Our yeomen fear to be assailed in the night. Our wives and children are helpless against the malign forces of evil. Unless the town is swiftly protected by a competent man who knows how
