The Greatest Evil

Dinner tonight featured lamb chops, Tony’s favorite.

It was coffee and dessert time.

Now.

“Honey, I saw your brother, the bishop, the other day.” Actually, she had made an appointment and called on him the day after their talk at the A.C.

Tony’s brow knitted. “If you saw Vinnie, ‘the other day’ and you’ve waited this long to tell me about it, the news can’t be all that good.”

“It’s good news and bad news.”

“And you’re going to start with the good news, like you always do.”

She smiled. “I can respect the bishop. I think I can trust him too. And it looks like this religious experience is what I’ve been looking for.”

He toyed nervously with his spoon. His coffee sat half drunk, his dessert half eaten. “Seeing that all the good news happened to you, I’d guess the bad news is mine.”

She began drumming on the tabletop. “Well, what the bishop said about us seemed to make a lot of sense-”

“How come you keep addressing him as ‘bishop’?”

“That’s what I started out calling him, and he never suggested that I use any other title or name.”

“Okay, so what about us?”

“The bishop said that we couldn’t overlook the obvious: We’ve never been married.”

“I’m not Frank Gifford and you’re not Kathy Lee. Our private lives are private. Did you volunteer our marital status?”

“The bishop asked if we had been married in a civil or a religious ceremony. I told him neither.”

“Okay. So then?” Tony was picking up threatening vibes.

“The bishop said he didn’t think he was anticipating anything that wouldn’t be covered later in the instructions, but the fact that we never married in any legal manner meant we were living in sin.”

Tony’s furrows grew deeper.

“The bishop said it didn’t make any sense that I would be taking instructions-and thus agreeing that you and I are living in sin-without doing something about our situation.”

“Oh? What’s he want us to do: Get a divorce when we’ve never been married?”

“This is the tough part, Tony. Please … just remember how much I want to at least find out about this. And the bishop is trying to make this Church rule as easy on us as he can-”

“I can hardly wait to find out what comes next.”

Beth swallowed what seemed to be an indigestible plea. “The bishop wants us to promise not to have intercourse during the time I’m taking the instructions.” She figuratively ducked.

The fork Tony had been handling bent in half.

“Now, please, wait a minute, honey,” she pleaded. “They have a regular convert class that runs all through Lent and ends at Easter. The bishop offered to give me private instructions. He said he’ll do it himself because you’re special to him.”

Tony snorted.

“The bishop promised he would hurry things along. Your agreement-consent-is all that stands between me and my finding out if this is what I’m looking for.”

Silence.

“How long for the instructions?” Tony asked finally.

“Three, four months at the most.”

“Brother and sister …” Tony almost laughed.

“What?”

“That’s at least what they used to call this crazy arrangement: brother-and-sister relationship. That’s what Aunt Martha and Uncle Frank had to promise while the Church fooled around with their lives.”

“Frank? Your uncle who committed suicide?”

Tony nodded:

She was silent for several moments. “Four months at the maximum,” she said finally. “… maybe it’ll be more like three.”

Tony moved his chair and leaned forward so his face was inches from hers. She had tears in her eyes that refused to run down her cheeks.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know what all professional jocks did about sex. But there was a lot of pressure … and a lot of opportunity. We were on the road so much! And there were groupies and desirable women in every city … at every stop. Having sex for a jock was the easiest thing in the world.

“But I can tell you straight to your face: I never fell. I never cheated on you. Part of that was because I respect you so much. And part was because you are always here for me. You seem to enjoy sex as much as I do.”

She nodded vigorously.

“And we’ve just never had a problem with that. For that, I’m grateful … and I guess you are too.

“But I’ve got to tell you at the outset that I don’t know if I can make it that long.”

She was certain this abstinence would hurt her as much as it would him. But it was she who had the motivation. The carrot at the end of the stick was for the lady.

“Honey …”-she laid her hand on his arm-“I’m sure the bishop meant that we should give this arrangement our best effort. I’m sure the Church allows for a slip …”

“And,” he replied, “I’m sure your friend the bishop doesn’t have room in his meticulous life for messups.”

Tony thought for a few moments. “Okay,” he said finally. “Okay, I’ll agree for one reason and one reason only: because you want so badly to give Catholicism a try. But I warn you: When I agree to a contract, I intend to keep it.”

Ignoring her grateful expression, he asked, “So, now what? Is there some sort of form I’ve got to sign?”

She smiled. “The bishop trusts me. He said if I showed up for instructions it would mean that you had agreed to those conditions.”

He smiled mirthlessly. “So, big brother trusts me. There’s a switch!”

“What is there between you two? Is it because you went into athletics and he went into religion? You yourself told me he was brilliant-I think you said he was a genius … is that it?”

“It’s the whole damn thing.”

They both smiled.

“There have been studies,” Tony said reflectively, “of siblings who don’t get along. That was Vinnie and me. He set the scene in school by achieving-setting standards I could only approach, but never equal-well, at least not often. We competed constantly-in school and out. The only thing I could beat him at consistently was sports.

“It didn’t help our relationship that he was the one who was fulfilling Mama’s dearest wish: that one of her sons would become a priest. I think, at the end, she knew he would be a bishop some day …

“And then, when she was dying …” He seemed to look into the distance, then shook himself, as if throwing off the past. “Just remember as we go through this, hon, I said old Vinnie was brilliant; I didn’t say he was human.”

Starting that evening, Tony slept in the guest room. He did not reflect that his uncle Frank had followed the same course many years before.

28

Murphy’s Law prevailed. If four months of abstinence was the worst possible scenario, that’s how it would play out: Three months segued into four as the instruction lessons dragged on.

Tony’s lifestyle for the past three months had been monastic. It had not been a rose garden. But at least the