Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs

There are eleven books in the Left Behind series, and many have excellent subtitles like The Destroyer Is Unleashed and The Beast Takes Possession, both of which may have been Ronnie James Dio records. I am not going to read any more of them, mostly because I know how they’re going to end. I mean, doesn’t everybody? I went back and read the Book of Revelations, which doesn’t make much sense except for the conclusion—that’s where it implicitly states that Jesus is “coming soon.” Of course, Jesus operates within the idiom of infinity, so “soon” might be 30 billion years. Sometimes I find myself wishing that the world would end in my lifetime, since that would be oddly flattering; we’d all be part of humanity’s apex. That’s about as great an accomplishment as I can hope for, since I just don’t see how I will possibly get into heaven, Rapture or otherwise.

When I was a little boy, I used to be very thankful that I was born Catholic. At the time, my Catholicism seemed like an outrageous bit of good fortune, since I considered every other religion to be fake (I considered Lutherans and Methodists akin to USFL franchises). Over time, my opinions on such things have evolved. But quite suddenly, I once again find myself thankful for Catholicism, or at least thankful for its more dogmatic principles. I’m hoping all those nuns were right: I’m angling for purgatory, and I’m angling hard.

Acknowledgments

Due to the schizophrenic nature of this collection, it would be impossible for me to thank everyone who—at one point or another—intangibly contributed to this manuscript. Consequently, I’m not going to try. However, I must express an avalanche of kudos to my editor at Scribner, Brant Rumble. Beyond being a brilliant editor, Brant might be the last sincere human in all of New York.

Additionally, there are a few random cats whose editorial insight directly influenced certain passages, and they are as follows:

Kate Condon

Bob Ethington

David Giffels

Scott Lowe

Jennifer Piro

Mark J. Price

Hillery Stone

Paul Tough

Michael Weinreb

I must likewise thank my supercagey agent, Daniel Greenberg, and my superfoxy lawyer, Amy Everhart. I’d also like to unleash my profound gratitude to everyone at SPIN whom I ever had lunch with (and especially to those whom I always have lunch with) and to everyone at SPIN I occasionally have drinks with (and especially to those who I always have drinks with).

Finally, I want to publicly apologize to anyone who ended up getting mentioned in this book simply because they had the misfortune of knowing me (either in the present or in the past). I’m not sure what compels me to ruin all our lives; I guess that’s just the way I am. Sorry.

Index

Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem

AC/DC

Ainge, Danny

Akron, Ohio

“All for Leyna” (Joel)

Allen, Tim

Allen, Woody

“Allentown” (Joel)

Ally McBeal

An Innocent Man (Joel)

Anderson, Pamela

Anderson, P.T.

Anderson, Wes

Apocalypse Now

Appetite for Destruction (Guns N’Roses)

archetypes: Harry-Met-Sally situation; Hitchcock movies; movies and; Odd Couple relationship; The Real World; sexual, television; Woody Allen

Arm, Mark

At Budokan (Cheap Trick)

Backderf, John

Banks, Tyra

baseball

basketball, life compared; Lakers-Celtics rivalry

Beatles

Being John Malkovich

Berkley, Elizabeth

Berman, David

Bettencourt, Nuno

Bible Code, The(Drosnin)

Big Brother

Bird, Larry

Black, Clint

Black Flag

Black Sabbath

Blixt, Jon

Bon Jovi

Born in the U.S.A.(Springsteen)

“Born to Run” (Springsteen)

Boston Celtics

Bowie, David

Braae, Michael

Breakfast Club, The

Bridge, The(Joel)

Bright Lights, Big City

Brownstein, Carrie

Buckingham, Lindsey

Buckley, Jeff

Buckner, Bill

Bunim, Mary-Ellis

Burke, Solomon

Cameron, Kirk

Canseco, Jose