“It's Momma Helga's Spaghetti Sauce.”
“Why does it have a penis on the label?”
“That's a mushroom.”
“It looks like a penis.”
“No, it looks like a chef's hat. But it's a mushroom.”
“Drop the penis sauce and get down on your knees. Then open your mouth.”
I didn't want to do that for an infinite number of reasons. “I'd rather not.”
The man smacked me in the head with the gun, hard enough to make me see mushroom-shaped stars (which was odd). I got down on my knees as instructed.
“Open wide,” the man said, pressing the barrel against my lips.
I opened my mouth.
“Wider.”
I opened my mouth wider.
He tilted his head and peered inside, flashing the pen light along my gum line. Then he nodded, apparently satisfied with what he saw. “You can close it now. No fangs. You're cool.” He lowered the gun.
I should have made the comment, “Yeah, I lost my baby fangs when I was eight,” but I never think of clever stuff like that until a few minutes after the moment has passed. Instead I said, “What the hell are you talking about? And why did you hit me in the head?”
“Pires.”
“Pires?”
“Vampires.”
Oh, goody. A whacko.
“Vampires don't exist,” I helpfully pointed out.
The man sneered at me. “They exist, sauce-boy.” He tapped the door he'd been prying at with his penlight. “And they're in this house.”
- 2 -
Harry
They call me Harry McGlade. Probably because that's my name. I'm a private eye.
My office is in Chicago, and five days ago a desperate woman named Phoebe Mertz retained me to find her daughter, Tanya. Little Tanya was sixteen, into the Goth scene big-time. You know the type: dresses in all black, collects piercings, wears way too much mascara, scowls all the time. Most parents dream their child will go to medical school. Very few dream their child will get a tattoo on their forehead that says, “Life's a toilet.”
According to Mom, Tanya had never run away before.
“I know she looks different,” Phoebe had said, showing me a picture of a frowning brunette with five nose rings, three eyebrow rings, and too many earrings to count.
“I hope she stays out of lightning storms.”
“She's really a good girl. Straight A's. Doesn't do drugs or have a boyfriend.”
“She hangs around with other Goths?”
“Yes. All of her friends are into that.”
I figured that Tanya was probably in an alley somewhere, stoned out of her mind, while a bike gang ran a train on her.
I shared these thoughts with Phoebe, but it didn't seem to ease her worries.
“I want you to find her and bring her home, Mr. McGlade.”
“I get five hundred a day.”
“That's a lot of money.”
“I'm expensive, but I'm worth it. You're not just paying for the job. You're paying for peace of mind. Once the check clears, I'll find her. Even if she turns up dead and dismembered in an alley.”
She burst into tears, obviously relieved I was on the job.
I spent the rest of Day 1 working on the case, subconsciously while I slept.
Day 2 involved me interviewing one of Tanya's school friends, a guy named Steve who'd recently bisected his own tongue down the middle in an effort to look more like a lizard. Steve wasn't talking—his mouth was too swollen. But he had some killer skunk bud and we lit one up.
Day 3 wasn't very productive. I spent most of it at the ballgame, watching the Red Sox kick the hell out of the Cubs. I kept an eye out for Tanya, but she didn't show up.
Day 4 I spent drinking, and can't remember much.
On Day 5 I caught a break. A phone call to a guy I know who works for a credit card company informed me that Tanya's Mastercard was getting a workout down south. Phoebe provided me with plane fare, and I followed the paper trail to a leather bar in the suburbs of Chamber, Florida. Flashing around Phoebe's picture was met with the usual blank stares, until President Grant helped one punk regain his memory.
“Oh yeah, she was here yesterday. Hanging out with some Pires.”
Further interrogation revealed that the Pires were a gang of Goths who only came out at night and liked to wear fake fangs and drink each other's blood. I could relate; there wasn't much good on TV anymore, and kids can get bored in the 'burbs.
After spreading around a lot of Phoebe's cash, I managed to track down the Pires' main hangout, owned by a guy who called himself Vlad. Word on the street, Vlad was thirty-something, balding and overweight, and wore contact lenses that made his eyes look bloodshot. Just the kind of daddy-figure teenage girls found irresistible.
I was in the middle of breaking into Casa de Vlad when sauce-boy wandered over, witnessing my felony-in- progress.
“Look.” He tried to smile, but it looked funny with my gun on his cheek. “This is really none of my business, and I really have to get home while the pasta is still al dente or I'll be sleeping on the sofa for a week. And our sofa has these big, pointy springs that stick out of the cushions that feel like fish hooks.”
“You think I'm an idiot?”
“Actually—”
I gave him another love tap with the butt of my Magnum.
“Here's the deal, sofa-man. I have to get into this house and grab someone. This someone may not want to go with me, and she may have some friends who don't want to see her go. So this is going to be complicated enough without having to worry about the police showing up in three minutes because your pansy sofa-ass went whining to them.”
“I won't call the police. The police and I don't have a very good relationship. I kind of annoy them. I—”
I tapped him on the head again. “I wasn't finished.”
“Can you please stop—”
Tap. “You're still talking.”
He looked at me and opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it.
I hit him anyway.
“But I didn't—”
“You just did.” Tap.
I may have tapped him too hard, because he went from his knees onto his ass.
“The thing is, Saucey, much as I'm just dying inside to trust you, it's probably better if I don't. Do you have ten feet of clothesline on you?”
He didn't say anything, which I took to be a no.
“Neither do I. So my only alternative is to knock you out. Now stand up so I can hit you on the head again.”
He didn't move.
“Would you prefer me shooting you?”
Slowly, molasses slowly, he got to his knees. I might have felt sorry for the guy, but the sympathy gene skipped a generation.
I reared back and cracked him a good one on the noggin, which made a sound like a belt being snapped. He teetered over and ate the lawn.
I watched him for a full minute. No movement. But he may have been faking unconsciousness to discourage
