thoughts the way Gala did, but wasn't entirely sure he wanted the relationship to hold that kind of one-sided intimacy.
'I can, but I won't, ' Tylendel said, with such firmness that Vanyel couldn't find it in his heart to doubt him. 'Even if it wasn't so unfair to you, it's counter to all the ethics that go with being a Herald. Basically I just use it to talk with Gala and Savil.'
Vanyel nodded, comforted. 'So you had all these - Gifts - sort of thrown at you, and no way to control them.'
'Exactly,' Tylendel said soberly. 'And all this at twelve. It was two years before Gala came for me. If it hadn't been for Staven, I'd have gone mad.'
'Why?' Vanyel whispered. 'What was happening?'
'What wasn't? I'd drop into a fit - when I'd wake up again, I'd be in the middle of a fifty-foot circle of wreckage. That was the Mage-Gift and Fetching working together in a way Savil and I haven't been able to duplicate under control. Seems I have to go berserk.'
He frowned, and reached up to rub his forehead between his eyebrows. 'Staven was the only one who could get near me - who was willing to stay near me, in or out of a fit. They said I'd been taken by a demon. They said that because of what Staven and I had tried to share, I had been possessed. When I - started to show signs of being shay'a'chern, they said I was cursed, too.'
'That's - that's stupid!' Vanyel cried indignantly.
'They still said it; if they'd dared, they'd have outcaste me. But they didn't; Staven swore if they did he'd go with me, and he was the heir, the only possible heir with me acting the way I was. Mother wasn't capable of having any more children, Father wouldn't remarry, and he'd been completely faithful to her, so there weren't any bastards around. They didn't have a choice. They had to allow me to stay, but they didn't have to make it comfortable for me.'
Vanyel thought with wonder that Tylendel's situation was actually worse than his own.
'They kept me pretty well isolated; even when I was fine they avoided me. But when everyone else abandoned me in one of my fits, he stayed, he took care of me, absolute and unshakable in the belief that I would never hurt him. Positive that, despite what was whispered, what had happened was not that I'd been possessed, but was something that would somehow be worked out.'
Tylendel shuddered again, his eyes haunted, and plainly seeing another time and place. Vanyel, feeling his pain, put both his hands on his shoulders, trying to just be a comforting presence without disturbing him; Tylendel looked up at him, patted his hand, and half-smiled.
'You see? I think maybe that's why we understand each other. Well, finally Gaia came - gods. I cannot ever tell you what it was like, looking into her eyes for the first time. It was - like souls touching. And the relief-knowing that I wasn't mad, that I wasn't demon-possessed - I went from hell to the Havens in the space of a heartbeat.''
He sighed and seemed to sink into his own thoughts for a long while.
'What did she do?' Vanyel asked.
'For one thing, she put me under her shielding; got me controlled until we arrived here and Savil took me under her wing. That's more than enough reason to love her, even without the bond to her. She's my very best friend and the sister of my soul.'
He reached up, and touched Vanyel's cheek. His hand was cool; almost cold.
'But she'll never be what you are. Can you understand what I'm saying, love? I owe her my sanity, but in a lot of ways she's more than I am; I love her the way I love Savil or my mother - inferior to superior. Not brother to sister, or lover to lover; not ever as equals.'
Vanyel put his own hand over the one touching his cheek, and held it, warming it in his own. 'What am I, then?'
'You're my partner, my equal, my friend - and my love. Vanyel, I didn't say this in so many words last night - but I do love you.'
Those words were not expected; certainly the implied level of commitment was not what Vanyel had expected. 'But - ' he stuttered, not sure whether what he was feeling was joy or fear.
'Van, I know we haven't known each other long, but I do love you,' Tylendel said, ignoring the 'but,' holding Vanyel's gaze with his own. 'And I love you because I love you; not because I owe you anything, or because some god somewhere decided I was going to be a Herald, or because you're a beloved teacher. I love you because you're Vanyel, and we belong together, and together we can stand back-to-back against anything.'
Much to his confusion, Vanyel felt his eyes start burning. 'I don't know - really know what to say,' he replied awkwardly, blinking hard. 'Except - 'Lendel, I think after last night - I can't ever remember being this happy. I've never loved anyone, I don't know what it's like, but if - ' he tried to say what he felt. ' - if wanting to die for you is love - '
His eyes burned; he rubbed at them with his free hand, and tried to put his feelings into coherent words. He groped after his thoughts, totally awkward and altogether out of his depth, but he needed to articulate his bewildering emotions. He'd never felt so vulnerable and exposed in his life. 'I'd do anything for you; I'd take the sneers, the pointed fingers - I wouldn't care, so long as they didn't take me away from you. If I could, I'd give you anything. I'd do anything I could to make you happy. And - I'll .gladly share you with Gala.'
'Havens, don't say that,' Tylendel chuckled, though his voice sounded suspiciously thick and his eyes glistened in the shadows. 'She wanted to 'eavesdrop,' you know. She'd take you up on that, the randy little bitch.'
Vanyel’s face flamed hotly, and he laughed, using his own embarrassment to get past that moment of complete vulnerability. 'I knew she was saying something that would make me blush, I just knew it!'
