Silent Voices

Sally.

Marty had not been driving too fast, not really: possibly a few miles per hour over the speed limit, but it was nothing that he couldn’t handle. He felt in complete control of the Suzuki; its master. It was just another part of the beauty of that early evening.

Then, without warning, he’d seen it come stumbling out from the right, padding along on those ghastly oversized hand-feet into the middle of the road, where it turned to face him, its awful mouth growing wider and wider as it waited for him to arrive….

Humpty Dumpty.

The same hideous figure he’d dreamt of when he was a kid, and then seen for real the night he and his three friends had lost all those hours inside the Needle. It was a part of his life that he’d tried to block out, and Sally was helping with that. She helped him see light beyond the darkness, a faint glimmer that grew stronger every day that they spent with each other.

She was the light. It was part of her purpose, to make him see the candle she held out for him.

Even now, years after the event, he had no idea why he’d tried to turn the wheel. The rational side of him said that he must have been trying to turn into the path of the thing, to mow it down and kill it. But another part of him, the side that was and would forever remain a rotten coward, told him that he was trying to turn away, to dodge a collision with the creature from his nightmares in case it managed to grab hold of him.

He lost control of the bike. It skidded off the road, hitting a fallen section of wall, the victim of bad weather and escapee sheep. The tumbled, moss-coated stones acted as a ramp, and the bike took flight. They landed badly on the other side, at the bottom of a slope. Sally’s injuries were fatal: she took a short time to die, and was barely conscious all the while. Marty lay pinned beneath the Suzuki and the corpse of the girl he could have loved forever, until somebody came along and noticed them there.

“Sally,” he whispered now, in the soft, false darkness of the room. “I’m so, so sorry.” He grabbed the whisky and took a hit. He blamed the heat of the drink for the tears that dampened his cheeks.

And how many women had there been since Sally, ones that could never live up to her ghost, no matter how hard they tried? Indeed, the fact that they tried counted against them, because Sally never had. She’d just trusted in the fact that he cared for her, and never pushed, never forced anything. Or was that just him glorifying her memory, romanticising her?

There had been scores of such women. Of that he could be certain. He’d never counted — he wasn’t that vain — but he did know that he’d long passed the century mark. Over a hundred pairs of open legs, smooth, taut bellies, open mouths, needy eyes, and hands that were never quite as soft as the ones he sometimes dreamt about. That meant over a hundred minds that he’d barely taken the time to get to know, and it was his loss, because some of them had been good people, intelligent women who were drawn to him for reasons of their own. He’d just never been emotionally invested enough to care. There’d been the slags and sluts, of course: empty one-night stands used as a way of beating back the darkness, but only a few. There had also been women who, if he were not so damaged, he could have fallen in love with. Like Melanie, the girl he’d dumped the other day. She was good-looking, interesting, had an incisive wit… but still he had started ignoring her calls, wishing her away. Stepping back from whatever it was she had to offer.

None of these women had held a candle, lighting his way along the dark path. Only Sally had ever done that.

He was absently rolling the acorn between his palm and his stomach, moving it across his belly. It was smooth and cold, like a cold compress. The pressure, when he applied it close to his wound, eased the pain. It felt good, like a balm. He pressed it against the stitches, rolling it over the area where the knife had torn through his skin and penetrated his body.

The motion of the acorn, and the pressure it produced, also took away his rage, the dark thoughts of a past that could not be changed. His mind began to feel empty; the bad stuff was being siphoned off, like blood through a catheter.

A soft humming sound grew in his ears, and Marty looked up, at the window, but no shadows moved beyond the drawn shades. The humming turned gradually into another sound, something that made him feel uneasy all over again, despite the acorn’s movement across his belly. A quiet clicking noise, like hard nails drumming against plastic or playing cards flicked right beside his ear. Marty rolled onto his side and stumbled off the sofa, falling to his knees and then rising to his feet, adopting a defensive stance. His fists were clenched; his hands were raised. He was ready to fight… always, always ready to fight, whenever the need arose.

The sound faded, as if it were moving away from him, perhaps along a dark, deserted corridor inside a ruined tower block. Briefly he smelled the sap of summer trees, felt a light breeze blowing against his naked torso, and heard distant cries, like twisted birdsong.

He was safe. He wasn’t there, inside the Needle. He was safe and sound and prepared for action, within walls that were concrete, yes, but much newer, and not as haunted as the ones from before — the old, grey concrete walls that still surrounded his soul, cutting it off from daylight. Making it so that he could not see Sally’s candle; would never see it again, even in dreams.

Marty relaxed, letting his hands drop to his sides. He had to coax his fists to open, but they obeyed him. He sat back down on the sofa and picked up the bottle. Took a large swallow.

He felt around on the sofa for the acorn, experiencing a sudden desire for the security it had provided. He could not find it anywhere, not on the surface of the cushions, or down the back or sides of the cushions. He raised his hands to his head and scratched his scalp, rubbing his temples as he moved his hands across his skull. Looking down, wondering if the acorn had in fact dropped onto the floor, he noticed a small lump in his abdomen.

Time slowed down, stopped. The image of the television seemed to freeze, but when he glanced at it the picture began to move again, as if mocking him.

He looked down again, at his body.

His torso.

At the lump. In his belly.

The lump was positioned to the left of his navel, not too far from the knife wound (what had that fume- stinking old sawbones called it, a loin wound?). The lump was large, almost the size of a golf ball but more oval in shape. It stretched the skin around it taut, making it pale and thin-looking.

Marty reached down and patted the area around the lump. There was no pain, not even minor discomfort. It was as if the area had gone numb from some kind of anaesthetic. The kind you might receive before minor surgery, given to you by a heavy-breathing medic in a face mask.

He knew what it was, of course. Marty was a lot of things, but he wasn’t stupid.

It was the acorn.

Somehow the acorn had got… inside him. It had entered his body.

He looked at the wound. The stitches had come undone. There was no blood; the wound was perfectly dry. To him, in that moment, its inner edges looked like the labia of some mutant vagina; the pink inside was the interior of a woman’s genitals. He had no idea why he was thinking this way, but the image would not shift. He was stuck with it.

Suddenly, as he watched, the acorn began to move. Inching its way along inside his torso, towards his navel, it rolled like a slow-witted dung beetle. Again, there was no pain. He felt nothing, nothing at all. It was as if he had been cut off from all the nerves in his body below the shoulders and above the pelvis: everything between these points was vague, like something that didn’t quite belong to him. It was like dreaming awake, caught in that idle moment between sleeping and waking, when the two states bleed into each other to become something entirely different. It wasn’t unpleasant… not really. He found himself fascinated by the slow-rolling movement beneath his skin, and the way the skin itself stretched like elastic to accommodate the travelling seed.

The acorn stopped moving.

Marty felt bereft. He realised that he’d enjoyed the sight of it shifting across his abdomen. He reached down and flicked it gently, and just the once, to encourage it to move again.

The acorn responded.

It rolled across his stomach, causing his navel to protrude as it passed beneath the recessed pink knot (he was always so oddly proud of being an ??outy’ rather than an ‘inny’), and round towards his opposite flank. The acorn disappeared then, under his body, but he was aware of its presence under the skin of his back. He still could