ailed him.
He thought about Abby Hansen, and asked himself if she was really worth this kind of hassle. The answer, he was sad to discover, was yes. He tried to convince himself that he was mistaken, but it was no use: he was becoming mildly obsessed with her.
But what was it about her that drew him? Why could he not stop thinking about the woman? She wasn’t his usual type — he liked hefty, athletic brunettes with big thighs and even bigger chests — and she could hardly be described as a great beauty. Her hair was badly dyed and in terrible condition; her skin was dry; her body was wracked by alcohol and the effects of borderline malnutrition.
So why the hell was he so keen to go back there, to see her, to fuck her again — no matter what Erik Best had told him? Why did he want to climb back into her bed and spend another night with her, clinging to her slender form in the darkness of her grotty little house?
He drifted from the kitchen to the living room, running a hand across the dust on the top of the television. There was a photo on there, held in an expensive frame. It showed Marc aged six; and there were his parents, flanking him and smiling at the camera. His dad looked stocky and aggressive, even when he grinned. His mother just looked tired. She’d always looked that way, right up to the day that they both died. He couldn’t remember a time when she hadn’t looked exhausted.
He recalled the day he’d lost his parents as if it were only yesterday: the memory was imprinted on his brain, too perfect, as if it had been put there by someone else.
He’d been in the car with them, strapped into the back seat and reading a comic —
His mother had been driving, and when the wheels locked she didn’t know what to do. The car had moved slowly, as if it was on a conveyor belt, edging sideways towards the edge of the road and the sheer drop into a farmer’s field below. He remembered looking out of the side window and watching the drop approach, and then glancing into the front to see his parents holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. Again, this memory was more like a movie than something that had actually happened. It was simultaneously distant and up-close, as if he were separated from the image by a sheet of glass.
Still, they could have survived the crash. That’s what everyone told him, even now. It was a fluke, a crazy accident. The car had tilted and the outcropping branch of a tree had smashed through the passenger side window, almost taking off his mother’s head, tearing away her chin and smashing her teeth, causing her to choke to death on fragments of her own skull. His father had been turned to face her at the time, and the branch had slowly sheared off his face as he screamed his life away.
Marc’s mother had died comparatively quickly — the collapsed red ruin of her head was proof of that. But it had taken his father a long time to go because the car was falling so slowly… Marc had seen it all, and he still saw it now, whenever he dreamed. His mother’s sunken, partially crushed head, his father’s red-screaming skull… another film; a succession of images that played out on a mental screen whenever he closed his eyes.
At first he didn’t like to dream. For a long time, he’d taken drugs to stop the dreams from coming. Then, when they stopped working, he simply accepted them, imagining them his penance for surviving the accident. He almost welcomed them now, and it scared him that he did this so willingly.
They hadn’t been very good parents, not particularly. But they’d been the only ones he had, and after that he had none. He was left with no one, except a distant uncle who at first had treated him like a lodger who rented a room in his home rather than an orphaned family member. After a while — as he developed into a young man — Uncle Mike’s attitude had softened. He’d started to show affection. They became a small, weird family unit for a short while, at least until Marc was old enough to leave and go to University. After that, he’d lost touch with Uncle Mike, until he’d received a call one Saturday afternoon telling him that the man was dead.
He took another drink and sat down on the sofa, trying to clear his mind. Images of his dead parents mingled with those of Abby’s naked body, and the effect made him feel dirty and ashamed. Her bony body; his father’s fists; her tiny breasts; his mother’s smile; blood and semen; love and hate; sex and death. He blinked, rubbed at his temples, and leaned back against the sofa, allowing the cushions to grasp him. He leaned forward again to pick up his glass and then back again to try and relax. He felt like he was being pushed and pulled in every direction but the one he wanted to move in. He always felt like that; his life was a series of manoeuvres designed to shove him one way and then the next, without taking into consideration his desires. He was always dodging something — the past, the present, or simply himself — rather than moving with any clear direction in mind.
“Fucking hell…” He reached out and grabbed the remote control, flicked on the television to distract his thoughts. He picked a music channel and turned up the volume. Some ragtag indie band he’d never heard of capered across the screen, playing toy instruments and wailing about lost love. He let the music wash over him. It wasn’t bad; he’d heard worse. He even started to hum along with the chorus, once he picked up on the tune.
Who the hell had that guy been, the one who’d invaded his home? Erik Best. The name meant nothing to him. He wasn’t the biggest man Marc had ever encountered, but he was certainly the scariest. Not too tall, but broad through the shoulder, his hair buzzed down to a skinhead cut. He exuded a sense of menace like no one else Marc had ever met.
Marc had come across dangerous people before, and had even interviewed a few gangster types when he was working on stories for the cheaper red-top papers. He remembered speaking to convicted murderers, rapists, drug addicts… but none of them had possessed the sense of barely repressed violence that his visitor had sweated from his very pores. The man was terrifying. He didn’t even have to do anything to generate fear; all he needed was a few words, a simple gesture, a calmly worded warning… that was more than enough to get his point across.
“You idiot…” He knew that he was going to see Abby Hansen again, despite what the man had said. He kept picturing her naked, or on all fours on the mattress, pressing lazily against him as he thrust into her. She’d made love the same way she acted outside of the bed: unbothered, nonchalant, she couldn’t give a damn.
Jesus, was that it, just because she didn’t seem to care? Was that why he wanted to see her again — to try and force her to care, or even to pretend? Was he really so shallow? Or so desperate to make her like him, want him?
None of this made any sense. He’d acted strangely in the past, often embarking upon relationships with unsuitable partners, or starting situations that he knew would end badly. But this was another dimension entirely. He didn’t even like the woman. Nor was he attracted to her, not really. But he wanted to fuck her so much that he felt the desire as a constant ache in the pit of his stomach.
He’d heard stories from some of his wilder drinking buddies about affairs with what they called “dirty women” — back street slappers, rough trade, even full-blown whores — but not once had he been tempted to follow their lead and go after someone he deemed that kind of person. And was Abby really like that? Was that how he saw her?
No; she wasn’t a dirty woman. Abby was damaged, she was almost crippled by her loss and her grief, but she wasn’t one of those women some of his nasty-minded friends prized as perverse trophies.
Perhaps he was simply attracted to her pain. He was self-aware enough to realise that he’d done this before, forged a relationship with someone who had experienced a similar kind of loss to his own. But that had been years ago, when he was young and didn’t understand his own motivations. He was older now; he knew what he was doing and why he did it. These days he tended to deliberately forge bonds with people who were well balanced, emotionally centred… or not forge bonds at all. His own pain was enough. He no longer needed to mix it with someone else’s.
Except now all that was changing… and he had developed this strange infatuation with a women which whom he’d only spent a single night. Was that really enough to justify this level of craving?
It was an interesting word. It sounded the way it felt: hard, sharp, and dangerous.
He finished his drink and stood up to get another. He’d left the bottle in the kitchen rather than bring it through into the main room. He didn’t want to get drunk. He knew that if he did, he might just get out the piece of paper with Abby’s number written on it and give her a call. Say hello. Beg her to let him go round there.
The phone rang as he was entering the kitchen. He put down the glass and turned back into the living room, trying to remember where he’d put his mobile. His jacket; it was in his jacket pocket. He moved across the room, picked up his jacket from the arm of the sofa, and started prodding at the pockets. He felt the hard rectangle of the
