'Man's nice,' Leonard said. 'Man sound good to you, Hap?'
'I like it,' I said. 'Even if I'm not a 'you people.' '
'When I was a little boy,' Gray Suit started, then paused to poke a cigarette into his mouth. Bear whisked out a little box of kitchen matches, struck one on the bottom of his shoe, offered it to Gray Suit. Gray Suit held Bear's hand, touched the match to his cigarette, puffed. Bear dropped the match on the floor.
Maude said, 'Pick that up.'
No one picked up the match. No one seemed to notice she'd spoken.
'What I remember fondly,' Gray Suit continued, 'was white folks doing colored minstrel shows. They wore blackface. Shoe polish. Big white lips. They did some jokes. And they were real funny. You know,' he pointed the cigarette at Leonard, 'you remind me of them minstrel folks, but you're not in blackface. Least I don't think so. And you know what? I think you're real funny. That makes me nostalgic. I like that. I like having you here. I didn't realize how much I'd missed being around funny niggers. And what I got here is not just some white man in blackface playing nigger, I got the real thing. I got me a genuine, born-of-black-hole nigger.'
'Don't talk like that,' Maude said, coming out from behind the counter with a pot of coffee. She put the pot on their table. 'You're in my place, don't talk like that.'
'It's all right, Maude,' Gray Suit said. 'It's just men talkin'. Ain't that right, nigger?'
Leonard didn't answer. He just tipped back his straw hat, sat there, patient.
Gray Suit turned his coffee cup upright and poured coffee. Maude rubbed her hands together, clasped her fingers, pulled, let go and went back behind the counter. I could hear her breathing behind us. Nervous, short breaths; kind I'd have been breathing had I not been holding my breath.
'I tell you, buck,' Gray Suit said, 'you look to me like someone who was bred of good stock. You know, that's why there's so many of your people can play basketball and football well. We white folks bred you. Got the biggest dumbest nigger bucks we could find, put them with some big ole black mammy could take about a ten-inch dick big around as a man's wrist, and that ole buck, well, he was the kind would mount a cow if our grandaddies told him to—and most likely if they didn't—and he'd bang that black bitch till she couldn't take no more. Then maybe our granddaddies would have a pony or a jackass do her, just to get a little spice in the stock. And through all that planning, down through generations of nigger kennelin', we ended up with solid, strong-lookin' niggers like yourself. And just as an added note, I got to tell you, I've always been partial to a nagger in a straw hat.'
Most everyone in the place laughed. Even the blue-haired lady laughed. When the laughter died—
'Mama said don't talk that way in here!'
I turned and looked. It was Bad Mustache. His bubba was beside him. They were out of their booth, standing. The other brother said, 'That's enough! Mama said that's enough.'
'Billy, you and Caliber just relax,' Bear said. 'No one wants you hurt. Y'all sit down and have some coffee.'
Billy and Caliber didn't move.
Leonard said, 'Well, that certainly explains some things about us black folk, don't it?'
'Oh yeah,' said Gray Suit, and he laughed a little, and the others laughed.
When the laughter slowed, Leonard said, 'You know, every one of us, when you think about it, just missed about this much,' Leonard held up his hand and made a C with his thumb and forefinger, 'being a turd. Every one of us. I mean, there's only about this much space between one hole and the other. And we all missed the shithole by this much.' Leonard lowered his hand, looked at Gray Suit and smiled, 'Except you, mister. You made it. Your mama shit a turd, put a suit on it, and named it you.'
Gray Suit turned red as a sun-ripe tomato. Bear started out of the booth then, but before he could shoot the distance, a blast of cold air blew through the cafe, and Officer Reynolds came in with it. He was sucking another Tootsie Roll Pop.
Everything stopped. Reynolds looked around. He eyed Bear, halfway out of the booth. Bear slid back into his place. Gray Suit raised up so Reynolds could see him, said, 'Willie, it's me.'
Reynolds pulled the Tootsie Roll Pop from his mouth, held it, said, 'Yes sir.' He turned to the woman behind the counter, said, 'Maude, you got that breakfast?' He looked right at us. 'To go?'
Maude glanced around, as if on the lookout for a miracle, sighed, went to the kitchen, came back with a greasy brown sack. She gave it to Reynolds.
Reynolds said, 'Certainly glad I didn't see no unpleasantness here. Wouldn't want that. Chief wouldn't want that. I seen something like that, didn't do anything about it, he'd fire me. I don't like the idea of being fired. I like my little check. But, say I leave, how the hell am I gonna stop something gets going?' He looked at Leonard. 'Any idea how I could do that?'
'There was,' Leonard said, 'you'd find a way around it.'
Officer Reynolds smiled, put his Tootsie Roll Pop back in his mouth, went out with another blast of cold December air.
Bear stood up, arms crossed on his chest. Elephant stood up, opened and closed his hands—very large hands, and leathery. Probably got that way from strangling children. He was maybe six-six, and his shoulders were even wider than I first thought. So was his ass; even front on, you could tell that hunk of meat was enormous.
'You boys don't get in no fights now,' Maude said. 'This here is my cafe, and I don't want no fights. They were just leaving.' She leaned over the counter, touched me on the shoulder. 'You were just leaving, right?'
I was agreeable to this, but before I could say anything, Gray Suit said, 'That's right, they were just leaving, but not under their own power.'
'This ain't no cowboy movie saloon,' said Maude. 'This is my place.'
'Mama said that's enough.' It was Caliber. He and Billy were easing slowly to the front of the cafe. No one was paying them much attention, however. They were watching to see if Leonard and I were going to shit our pants. I don't know about Leonard, but I felt a rumble in my tummy.
