“Even if God made him that way?” I said. “Provided there was a God.”
“If there was one, and he made someone gay wouldn’t God his own goddamn self be responsible?” Leonard said.
“In my book, yes. But in the Christians’ book, that rascal can do no wrong. Someone survives a hurricane, it was God’s mercy. Someone drowns, it was God’s will. I don’t like him. He’s a bully.”
We touched fists. It’s a manly bonding thing.
“Or maybe,” Leonard said, “God is gay and it’s the rest of you people who are messed up and going to hell. You ever think about that? Maybe there’s another Bible out there that tells us to stone you guys and not to lie with women because it’s strange. It is, you know.”
“Brett and I like it.”
Leonard sipped some coffee. “You see, John is starting to feel he’s not supposed to be gay, and unlike us, on some level he believes that God stuff. He thinks he’s violated God’s law, so he’s going to church counseling to get straight.”
“Oh, for heaven’s sake.”
“That’s what he thinks. For heaven’s sake.”
“It’s a figure of speech.”
“I’ve tried to tell him that even if there is a God, the New Testament is the one to go by, and it’s not tough on us queers. It’s just the old mean version of God that gives us a hard time. Motherfucker in the Old Testament won’t even let us have a pork chop.”
“God must have finally got laid between the Old and the New Testament,” I said. “’Cause between those two books, he sure mellowed out.”
“Who’d he lay, male or female?”
“Either … Look, Leonard, I’m sorry about John.”
“Not half as sorry as I am. I’ve called him, I wrote him a letter. I even did an e-mail from one of the hotels on my laptop.”
“You got a laptop?”
“John bought it for me. At home I even got a printer and some paper to print out on.”
“You are so cosmopolitan.”
“Tell me about it. But the thing is, he’s going to take these classes so he can tell his brain and his dick that he’s been confused and he likes women. I can’t think of anything yuckier than learning to like that old pink snapper.… No disrespect to you and Brett.”
“I get your point. You want me to talk to him?”
“I don’t know. I thought about that, thought about asking you. But it won’t matter. He thinks he’s on the road to hell and wang and butt hole are no longer on the smorgasbord.”
“Leonard, thy middle name is romance. You and Tanedrue, you should get together, write a book on courting. Look here, you’re not staying in any motel. You’ll park your happy ass on the couch tonight.”
“Thanks, Hap.”
“I’m just afraid you keep trying to hook up those motel Internet connections to your laptop you’ll put your eye out. So I want you here, safe and sound.”
“Thanks, brother. Can I have the last cookie?”
“No.”
We sat there and looked at the cookie. I said, “You haven’t given up on John yet, have you?”
“No. But I got a rule. If you’re ashamed of being gay, I’m ashamed of you. I say, Queer up. I take into account John’s getting some shit and was raised in such a way as to not think he’s on the right path, but I was raised that way myself. I got over it by the time there was hair on my balls. Actually, John shaves them for me, but you know what I mean.”
“Too much information, partner. Besides, I think a man ought to have hair on his balls.”
“Now that John won’t be doing that for me anymore, are you interested in doing the shaving?” Leonard said, and smiled.
“I’d just cut them off, problem solved. Actually, several problems solved. Your relationships would be less strenuous and that pesky hair problem would be over with. You could just hang out with Bob and be happy.”
Leonard sighed. “And if things aren’t bad enough, Bob died.”
“Oh, man. Sorry.”
Bob was Leonard’s pet armadillo. They had been close. Well, Leonard had been close to Bob. It was hard to tell how Bob felt. But he did hang around and would sniff Leonard’s hand and eat out of it. He lived in Leonard’s closet a lot of the time. Went outside to do his business, like a dog. Had a bowl with his name on it.
“It was like his little clock ran down,” Leonard said. “I buried him out back near a little wallow he had made. You know how he liked to dig.”
“He was an armadillo, Leonard. It’s what they do.”
“I know. But he was kind of cool. I liked him.… Hell, Hap, I don’t know. Short time back, life was good, felt like I was fartin’ perfume and crappin’ chocolate candy. Now things suck the big ole donkey dick. John, the way he’s actin’, and now my ’dilla goin’ down. It sucks the oxygen right out of you.”
