The Midnight Tour

“They do seem a bit eccentric,” said a mustached man who looked as if he’d stepped out of Gentleman’s Quarterly. “Personally, though, I feel as if I’ve already gotten at least half my money’s worth. I can hardly wait to see what Vein does next.”

“Maybe she’ll suck me,” Dennis said, and blushed as his comment raised some laughter.

“You already suck, dipshit.”

Dana started to laugh.

Raising a hand, Tuck announced, “I’m still open to the idea of taking your tickets and letting you in. Anybody interested?”

First to come through was the safari man. As Dana offered the badge to him, he said, “I’d be pleased to inspect your wound. I’m a doctor, you know.”

“Are you?”

“Dr. Clive Bixby, Ph.D., professor of literature, U.C. Santa Cruz.”

“Ah. You’re not a medical doctor?”

“Hasn’t stopped me yet! I’m a master of many arts, including but not limited to the art of healing.”

Dana raised her finger.

He took the pipe out of his mouth, removed his glasses, and peered at her fingertip. “Anticeptic! Bandage! Take two aspirin. Call me in the morning.” He hiked up an eyebrow, jabbed the pipe into his teeth, and put his glasses back on. “In case of infection,” he said, “we’ll remove it.”

“Oh, great.”

“Cheers,” he said, and hurried on.

Next to come through was the stocky man, followed by his wife in the tennis outfit. They smiled and took their badges, thanked Dana and moved on.

Normal people, Dana thought.

Then came Owen and Monica.

I’d better watch my mouth.

“Welcome aboard,” she said to Owen.

“Hi,” he said. He looked as if he wanted to scream or run away.

“Glad to see you both made it,” she said. She handed one badge to Owen, another to Monica. Speaking directly to Monica, she said, “I hope you have a really good time tonight.”

Bobbing her head and showing her teeth, Monica said, “Thank you so very much. I’m sure it will be memorable. For all of us.”

Owen cringed.

Poor guy. What’d she do, track him down?

Monica pulled his hand, dragging him away.

When Arnold stepped up to Dana, he said, “Weird chick, huh?”

“Pretty weird.”

“Did it hurt?”

“What?”

“How she got your finger. Did she, like, bite it?”

“Oh, her. No, she didn’t bite. I’m fine.”

“That’s good. I mean, it was cool and all, but it wouldn’t be so cool if she hurt you.”

“Sure hope she hasn’t got rabies,” Dennis threw in.

“Shut up, shithead.”

“I wanta pin a badge on her. I’d stick it in her tittie. Prick her tittie.”

“Okay, Dennis,” Dana said.

“I’d, like, prick her anywhere.”

Arnold slugged him on the arm.

“Ow!”

“Don’t be such an asswipe.”

“That hurt, dude.”

Dana quickly gave them badges. “Go on in and have a good time, okay? Try to be nice.”

Next in line was the mustached man. “Is it always this zany?” he asked.

“This is my first time,” Dana explained, and handed a badge to him.

“I won’t even ask you to pin it on me.”

“I’d be happy to pin one on you.”

He blushed slightly and glanced at the woman beside him.

“I’m not sure Alison would appreciate that. But thank you for the offer. I’m Andy Lawrence, by the way. This is my wife, Alison.”

“Nice to meet you,” Dana said. “I hope you enjoy yourselves tonight.”

“It’s off to a pretty good start,” Andy said. “They were ringers, weren’t they?”

“Huh?”

“Vein and Darke. Ringers. It was staged?”

“I wish.”

Looking amused, Alison said, “We thought it might be part of the show. It seemed slightly too bizarre to be real.”

“You should’ve been at this end.”

“Are you all right?” Alison asked.

“Fine.”

“You really ought to put some antiseptic on it.”

“I should say so,” Andy agreed. “You never know where a mouth like that might’ve been.”

“Thanks. I’ll take care of it.”

As they walked away, Tuck stepped over. “We’re still short two customers. I’ll stick around and watch for them. Why don’t you go on over and enjoy the picnic? You shouldn’t leave Warren alone for very long—he’ll suffer withdrawal pangs. Might start weeping, or something.”

Dana gave her the finger.

Laughing, Tuck asked, “Too bad about that. Now you’ll turn into one.”

“A finger?”

“A Vein.”

“If that happens, put me out of my misery.”

“Cheerfully. With a nipple-ring-extractor.”

Dana cringed. “Don’t say stuff like that. Jeez! I hurt just thinking about it. Besides, what makes you think she has nipple rings?”

“What makes you think she doesn’t?”

“I’m getting out of here.” She gave Tuck the bag of badges. “See you later,” she said. “Try not to poke yourself.”

Chapter Fifty

PICNIC

“Buy me a glass of white wine, Owie.”

“Sure,” he said, and hurried over the grass to the bar.

Darke, in front of him, was paying for two glasses of red wine.

“I thought you folks only drink blood,” Owen said.

Darke picked up the glasses and looked at him with lazy, half-shut eyes. “Is that an observation or an offer?”

Wishing he’d kept his mouth shut, Owen shrugged. “Just asking. My name’s Owen.” He thought about putting out his hand for a shake, but Darke was holding two drinks.