Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe

‘But what about when you left yesterday morning?’, Dick enquired. ‘Did anyone see you leave?’

‘It was six o’clock and thankfully there was no one around apart from the security guards in the lobby. I just told them I’d been working through the night’.

With that, Vera winked again then turned on her heels and left. Well, she didn’t so much turn on her heels as perform a manoeuvre like a super tanker turning in mid-ocean, but the effect was the same. Dick remained, contemplating what could only be described as a lucky escape. Vera had completely forgotten what had really taken place and was grateful that he’d keep quiet about the episode – plus, he didn’t need to have sex with her ever again. If ever there was a win/win situation, this was it.

For the remainder of the day Vera never mentioned the episode. She never mentioned it the day after or the day after that. As far as she was concerned the event hadn’t taken place and that suited Dick; it was almost as good as it never having taken place in reality. The routine of the workplace went on as usual apart from two things. The first was Vera disappearing into one of the meeting rooms with Benjamin, which hardly ever happened. Despite the fact that they weren’t in there that long and both went straight back to their respective desks Dick could hardly contain his curiosity about what had been discussed. He found it difficult to concentrate for the remainder of the day but wasn’t sure whether his relationship was such that he could just ask Vera outright, or whether he needed to skirt around the issue and wait for her to mention it. With his impatience getting the better of him Dick waited for an appropriate moment and then just came right out with it.

‘I noticed you and Benjamin having a tete a tete earlier’.

‘Hardly’, Vera said. ‘He wanted more responsibility and gave me a whole list of reasons why he should be in a more senior position here. It’s obvious that he’s jealous of you’.

‘What did you say?’, asked Dick.

‘I told him that he has a review in a month’s time and that I’d consider it. It’s not that he’s a poor employee… it’s that well, he’s just, well… er…’

‘Average’. Dick finished Vera’s sentence for her. ‘With a small ‘a’’.

‘That’s it. Average. And the Party needs people who are better than average. Mind you, I think the fact that it’s you and not him working on the secret project has made him raise his game. Benjamin seems determined to prove himself so that must be a good thing’.

Dick was puzzled about his colleague’s change of heart. Jesus might have turned water into wine but here was Benjamin changing resentment into motivation – and that seemed a greater miracle. But as significant as this was, the second thing that week which broke the office routine was even more noteworthy. This took place on the Thursday when Dick found himself in a meeting at the Ministry, seated opposite three severe-looking Party members. He and Vera had been summoned before them to review his recommendations for Project Gladstone. Dick thought that this was just another stage in moving his proposal up the slow decision-making ladder until it reached a point where it was rejected outright or disappeared in some bureaucratic development-hell never to be seen or heard of ever again. He was wrong.

He and Vera didn’t know it but the three Party members they were facing were actually from the Party’s Outer Sanctum, which meant they were one step away from the Inner Sanctum and one final step away from the Leader himself. Had he known this he probably would have slouched less in his seat, scratched his balls far more discretely and generally acted far more subservient. He was certain Vera didn’t even know how important the three men were otherwise he was sure she would have warned him in advance or at least poked him in the ribs or kicked him under the table when he picked his nose.

Backed-up by Vera, Dick expanded on a few of the practical points of his scheme and the resources needed to ensure its success. His audience remained poker-faced throughout and there was an uncomfortable silence after he had finished.

‘Miss Darling’, severe Party Member One announced. ‘You may be surprised to hear that we are not seated here to consider Mr. Brunel’s recommendations’.

Dick gave a disappointing frown. That’s not to say that he tried to frown but did it badly, but that it was a frown that indicated how disappointed he was at hearing this news. Vera remained silent.

‘We are here to tell you that the proposal has already been discussed at length and it has the full support of the Leader’.

Vera and Dick looked at each other with equal expressions of astonishment.

Severe Party Member Two continued. ‘We have already commissioned a thorough viability report and given the technical resources available to us at the present time, we feel your solution stands a fairly high degree of success’.

Dick and Vera smiled. Vera smiled because her reputation had been immediately enhanced thanks to Dick’s hard work. Dick smiled because his mind had wandered and he was thinking of what sex with Alice might be like, and also because he knew he’d just ticked the box about getting closer to the Leader.

Severe Party Member One continued, ‘With immediate effect Mr. Brunel will be seconded to our Scientific Research Centre. Here he will assist the technicians working under the auspices of the Party’s chief scientist, Dr. Hargreaves’.

Severe Party Member Three added, ‘His absence from your department will be explained by the fact that was suddenly taken sick. To maintain this pretence we will ensure that Mr. Brunel’s permanent record shows that he was hospitalised for a short time. You will both be given full details of the cover story. It is imperative that we maintain secrecy at all costs’.

‘Mr. Brunel, you will leave here immediately’, Severe Party Member Two informed him.

Dick realised he was about to be whisked away without the chance to reach Taylor and tell him what had happened. Would his sudden disappearance cause Taylor to think that his cover had been blown and he’d been terminated by the Party? Was this what had happened to the previous ‘saviour’ who’d suddenly and without warning completely disappeared? Maybe he too had been summoned to this Scientific Research Centre but this destination wasn’t actually what it seemed… Maybe it was just a huge interrogation centre and he was being taken away to be questioned, tortured and have his penis removed…

Dick farted then looked disapprovingly at Vera, out of her field of vision.

‘Mr Brunel’, Dick became aware of Severe Party Member Two talking to him. ‘We have to leave’.

‘What? Right now?’, Dick asked. ‘I mean, couldn’t I just have one more night at home. You know, for old time’s sake’. Dick was stalling. He wished there was some way to get a message to Taylor. He had to have time to think.

‘No. We leave now. Preparatory work is already underway and time is of the essence’, added Severe Party Member Three. This time even more severely.

Dick fumbled for an excuse. ‘What about my pyjamas? I need these to get a good night’s sleep. I’m very accustomed to my pyjamas. They’re so comfortable and relaxing and I might not be able to sleep in new ones. They might be all starchy and scratch. Or the wrong size or colour. I have to have ones with an elasticated waist, not a cord. The wrong ones might keep me awake and that would mean that I’m all crotchety and sleepy in the morning and won’t be able to concentrate on my work. And we couldn’t afford that to happen’.

Dick was aware of everyone in the room staring at him, including Vera, with a look of bewilderment. Severe Party Member Two broke the silence, lifting a small suitcase on to the table.

‘Mr Brunel. We have your pyjamas here. And some spare clothes and your toiletries. Do not worry’.

But Dick was worried. Very worried. He farted again. This time he pinched his nose and subtly wafted the air around him, still out of Vera’s view. The Party had obviously entered his home freely, probably after he’d left for work that morning, and there was no knowing how many other times they’d done it. Dick mentally walked through every room in his apartment looking in drawers, cupboards, wardrobes and under the bed for any incriminating evidence about him or his mission, before deciding that thankfully there was none. Dick gave a half smile, the sort of smile you’d give to show you were grateful on being reunited with your pyjamas. Vera turned towards him and shook his hand violently.

‘Mr Brunel, congratulations. We will miss you in the department but I’m sure I’ll see you shortly. The best of British luck to you!’

Dick gave another half smile.

‘Thank you Miss Darling. This is a great day for the Department and the Ministry. It is an honour to be able to help the Party in this way’.

He looked at the three Severe Party Members and hoped this sentiment came across with enough conviction