Dick Longg: Sexual Saviour of the Universe

‘What?’, Carter asked. The wasps were now mere inches from entering the box. The buzzing became louder and louder, in fact far louder than it should have been.

Dick heard Carter swear under his breath then close the valve. The loud buzzing wasn’t from the wasps but from a wall-mounted speaker near the door. Carter walked over to it and pushed a button. Maxx entered. He winced, wafting his hand in front of his face theatrically as if he’d been offended by a particularly nasty smell like, for example, the aftermath of someone voiding their bowels.

‘I’m so glad you agreed to co-operate Dick’, he said smugly. ‘After you’ve cleaned yourself up tell me all you know and I’ll let you live’.

CHAPTER 30

Back in the comfort of his office Maxx studied a lengthy confession. The author of this confession sat facing him, slumped back in his chair, wearing a defeatist expression.

‘Didn’t know that… Knew that… Knew that… Didn’t know that! I had no idea about that!’ Max put the neatly typed sheets of paper down and looked up.

‘Good. Very good Dick. Some interesting things here’. Maxx nodded to no one in particular and made a few hand-written annotations. ‘What you’ve said collaborates our own picture of the Resistance and the reports from Mr. Parnell, or should I say the late Mr. Parnell. Although they seem to have achieved some good technological breakthroughs, on the whole it appears the Resistance are a ramshackle bunch of amateurs chasing after this so- called secret weapon. Most importantly though, it seems there’s not a lot more they can do without you. You’re their basket’.

‘Pardon?’, Dick enquired.

‘Their basket’, Maxx reiterated. ‘You know, where they’ve put all their eggs’.

Dick nodded his understanding of this analogy.

‘In any case’, Maxx continued confidently, ‘Even if you were still at liberty, and still in contact with your colleagues, it wouldn’t make one iota of a difference. In a very short time the whole Resistance will be a redundant force’.

Dick stared at Maxx who was clearly enjoying the moment.

‘That’s right Dick. Your intelligence was correct after all. The best technicians in the Party were working on a weapon’.

‘I know that’, answered Dick. ‘Operation Trojan Horse’.

Maxx smiled his creepy smile again. ‘That?’, he asked. ‘That was just a small diversion. A margin note or a side-bar, if you like, in my book of Total Domination’.

‘You mean there’s another…’

‘Secret weapon?’ The Leader finished Dick’s sentence for him. ‘Of course. What sort of fanatical evil leader would I be if I just had one secret weapon? This one will make all future resistance futile!’.

‘You seem pretty confident of that’, Dick said trying to conceal his anxiety.

‘Oh I am Dick, I am’, replied Maxx with the smug, self-assured grin of someone not just brimming with confidence, but absolutely teeming with it. ‘It’s a secret weapon that won’t remain a secret for much longer. And after I use it, the Party will be all-powerful and invincible — now and in the future!’

With all this talk about secret weapons and power Dick expected Maxx to cackle maniacally while stroking a fluffy pedigree cat on his lap — but he didn’t. In fact he was remarkably reserved about the whole thing (and of course he didn’t have a pet cat with him, pedigree or not).

‘The deployment of this weapon will usher in a whole new phase of government!’ Maxx leant forward towards Dick, ‘A government you could still be part of’.

Dick was shocked. Since giving up the information about the Resistance and his own role in their plans he’d been very anxious about his intended fate. Maxx had said his life would be spared but Dick still didn’t believe him; anyone who lied about their penis size would be capable of lying about absolutely anything. But here he was, still alive and being offered another chance to join the Party.

‘I’m glad you agreed to give in’, continued Maxx. ‘It would have been such a great shame to have you tortured and killed. Such a waste of a good resource. The Party could do with someone like you Dick, someone with your intelligence but more than that, your deviousness. The same deviousness you’ve employed to get this far’. Maxx grinned. ‘I might be a ruthless leader but I’m also a very pragmatic one. To be blunt, I’d rather work with you than against you’. Maxx rose. ‘Let me show you my weapon’.

Dick smiled back. ‘Please. I’m not that sort of guy’.

‘I think you’ll be impressed’, Maxx continued.

‘Really?’, asked Dick, now smiling. ‘Remember who you’re talking to!’

Dick and Maxx then both fell about in convulsions of laughter, proof if anyone needed it that men of all ages and positions in life could find amusement in jokes about penis size. Trying to compose themselves the two men marched off to look at the Party’s secret weapon.

– – o O o – –

It was late and very dark when the Party car pulled up outside a familiar building, the Scientific Research Centre. Carter exited first and opened the rear door. Dick and Maxx exited and all three walked to the main entrance in silence. The lobby was empty apart from a bored cleaner polishing the floor and two even more bored security staff polishing their buttons. Startled by the sight of the Leader they jumped to attention and saluted him. Returning the salute the Leader presented his ID chip to the scanner which blinked green. Dick and Carter followed suit.

‘But you’re the Leader. You don’t need to scan, do you?’, asked Dick walking alongside Maxx.

‘There are no exceptions. Not even for me’, Maxx explained. ‘Although it’s highly unlikely, someone could gain access by assuming my appearance and my identity’. He gave a wry smile as he continued at a brisk pace. ‘It has been known for people to use fake biometric chips, you know’.

Exiting the elevator on level five they walked along never-ending corridors, passing through three other security posts, the only sounds coming from the echo of their footsteps. Eventually they turned a corner to face two armed guards standing to attention outside a plain door. More salutes were exchanged. Dick noticed that this door resembled all the other plain doors they had walked past apart from one thing; there was no lock. Instead, adjacent to it at head height was a small glass screen. Maxx approached and placed his eye in front of it. Moments later there was a bleep of acceptance followed by a buzz and a whirr; the sound of an intricate lock being activated.

‘Retina scan’, explained Maxx. ‘And it’s only programmed to recognise two people in this facility; myself and my chief scientist, Dr. Hargreaves. Identity chips might be copied but no one can do the same with our retinas. Ispo facto, no one but myself and the good doctor can access this room’.

Dick remembered Dr. Hargreaves from the first time he was at the Scientific Research Centre, a snob of man in a swanky starched white lab coat, he recalled. He was still thinking about him as Carter pulled open the heavy metal door and flicked a switch. Light flooded a large room that was full of identical battered leather suitcases and, in the middle, a trestle table.

‘Here it is’, announced Maxx proudly. ‘The culmination of three years of research and development’.

Dick was about to say something stupid like, ‘The secret weapon is luggage?’ but before he could make a fool of himself Carter picked up one of the cases, hoisted it on to the table, took out a small key and unlocked it. Snapping open the two latches he opened the case. There, resting on a purple crushed-velvet lining was what could only be described as a ‘contraption’. It consisted of a large brass cylinder, several brass spheres, lots of copper tubing, some dials, a few small metal boxes and a whole load of complicated wiring. Dick thought it looked like the result of an unholy alliance between a tuba and a deep sea diver’s breathing apparatus.

‘The device is kept in the case for ease of transportation and for disguise’, Maxx explained. ‘After all, no one would ever expect that an old suitcase contains something of such importance, something of such overwhelming consequence that it will change the world!’.

‘So you keep saying’, said Dick.

‘And do you remember something else I said to you recently — that very soon, all resistance will be futile?’ Dick nodded. ‘Well this is why’.