Olaf got up on his knees.
“He wanted to kill himself. Because of you!” he croaked. He held his throat. I turned my face away. I leaned against the wall, my legs trembled under me. I was so ashamed, so horribly ashamed. She looked at us, first at one, then at the other. Olaf still held his throat.
“Go, both of you,” I said quietly.
“You’ll have to finish me off first.”
“For pity’s sake.”
“No.”
“Please, go,” she said to him. I stood silent, my mouth open. Olaf looked at her, dumbstruck.
“Girl, he…”
She shook her head.
Keeping his eyes on us, he edged out of the room.
She looked at me.
“Is it true?” she asked.
“Eri…”
“You must?”
I nodded yes. And she shook her head.
“You mean… ?” I said. And again, stammering, “You mean… ?” She was silent. I went to her and saw that she was cringing, that her hands were shaking as she clutched the loose edge of her fluffy robe.
“Why? Why are you so afraid?”
She shook her head.
“No?”
“No.”
“But you are trembling.”
“It’s nothing.”
“And… you’ll go away with me?”
She nodded twice, like a child. I embraced her, as gently as I was able. As if she were made of glass.
“Don’t be afraid…” I said. “Look…”
My own hands shook. Why had they not shaken then, when I slowly turned gray, waiting for Arder? What reserves, what innermost recesses had I reached at last, in order to learn my worth?
“Sit down,” I said. “You are still trembling? But no, wait.”
I put her on my bed, covered her up to the neck.
“Better?”
She nodded, better. Was she mute only with me, or was this her way?
I knelt by the bed.
“Tell me something,” I whispered.
“What?”
“About yourself. Who you are. What you do. What you desire. No — what you desired before I landed on you like a ton of bricks.”
She gave a small shrug, as if saying, “There is nothing to tell.”
“You don’t want to speak? Why, is it that… ?”
“It’s not important,” she said. It was as if she had struck me with those words. I drew back.
“You mean… Eri… you mean…” I stammered. But I understood now. I understood perfectly.
I jumped up and began to pace the room.
“Not that way. I can’t, that way. I can’t. No, I…”
I gaped. Again. Because she was smiling. The smile was so faint, it was barely perceptible.
“Eri, what… ?”
“He is right,” she said.
“Who?”
“That man, your friend.”
“Right about what?”
It was difficult for her to say it. She looked away.
“That you are not wise.”
“How do you know he said that?”
“I heard him.”
“Our conversation? After dinner?”
She nodded. Blushed. Even her ears went pink.
“I could not help hearing. Your voices were awfully loud. I would have gone out, but…”
I understood. The door of her room was in the hallway. What an idiot I had been! I thought. I was stunned.
“You heard everything?”
She nodded.
“And you knew that it was about you?”
“Mhm.”
“But how? Because I never mentioned…”
“I knew before that.”
“How?”
She moved her head.
“I don’t know. I knew. That is, at first I thought I was imagining it.”
“And when, later?”
“I don’t know. Yes, during the day. I felt it.”
“You were afraid?” I asked glumly.
“No.”
“No? Why not?”
She gave a wan smile.
“You are exactly, exactly like…”
“Like what?”
“Like in a fairy tale. I did not know that one could be that way… and if it were not for the fact that… you know… I would have thought it was a dream.”
“It isn’t, I assure you.”
“Oh, I know. I only said it that way. You know what I mean?”
“Not exactly. It seems I am dense, Eri. Yes, Olaf was right. I am a blockhead. An out-and-out blockhead. So speak plainly, won’t you?”
“All right. You think that you are frightening, but you’re not at all. You only…”
She fell silent, as if unable to find the words. I had been listening with my mouth half open.
“Eri, child, I… I didn’t think that I was frightening, no. Nonsense. I assure you. It was only when I arrived, and listened, and learned various things… but enough. I’ve said enough. Too much. I have never in my life been so talkative. Speak, Eri. Speak.” I sat on the bed.
“I have nothing to say, really. Except… I don’t know…”
“What don’t you know?”
“What is going to happen?”
I leaned over her. She looked into my eyes. Her eyelids did not flicker. Our breaths mingled.
“Why did you let me kiss you?”
“I don’t know.”
I touched her cheek with my lips. Her neck. I lay with my head upon her shoulder. Never before had I felt like this. I had not known that I could feel this way. I wanted to weep.
“Eri,” I whispered voicelessly, mouthing the words. “Eri. Save me.”
She lay motionless. I could hear, as if at a great distance, the rapid beating of her heart. I sat up.
“Could…” I began, but hadn’t the courage to finish. I got up, picked up the lamp, set the desk right, and
