powder in their eyes and they shot each other to death.”
I stare at her without speaking.
“Some date, huh, Doctor?” my cop says.
“You should probably go,” Faith says.
“Nice meeting you,” I say.
“Maybe we can try again another time,” she says.
The cop escorts me back to my car.
“You don’t look so good,” he says.
“Huh?”
“Are you okay to drive?”
I nod.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea, Doc.”
“Excuse me?”
“I’m just sayin’, she ain’t the only starfish in the sea.”
I wonder if he’s using these analogies because they’re common expressions or because of Faith’s seahorse collection.
He says, “Listen, Doc. If you’re into chubby girls, I’ve got a sister you should meet. She’s been workin’ on herself.”
“In what way?”
“She’s lost fifty-five pounds, fixed up her hair and wardrobe, even bleached her mustache.”
“Her mustache?”
He looks around to make sure no one else can hear him. Then says, “That ain’t the only thing she bleached!”
He winks at me, then leans in again and whispers, “She bleached her asshole! You ever heard of such a thing?”
I shake my head.
“I were you, I’d check that out!”
“Because?”
“It’s as white as a lily,” he says.
“You’ve seen it?”
He winks.
Have I fallen so far that a small town cop thinks I’d be interested in a chubby girl with a mustache who’s so proud of bleaching her rectum she showed it to her brother?
“She sounds charming,” I say. “But I might need a little more time. I’m not sure I’m ready to date yet.”
He nods. “Can’t say I blame you.”
I drive away quite pleased with myself. I’d told Sheriff Carson Boyd I was heading here to meet Faith Hemphill. If word got back to him I showed up around the time two people were shot to death he might think it a bigger coincidence than it was.
I pull over to the side of the road and check my cell to see if Trudy’s called.
She hasn’t.
I call her, but get no answer.
While I’ve got the phone out, I pull up a photo of Zander Evans, and fire up the GPS to see how long it might take to drive to Paducah.
Then I view another photo of Zander Evans, and think, Why not?
30
Zander Evans is the youngest and prettiest of the three dating site women, and the most determined to have me visit. She promised me “a hell of a good time” if I ever came to town, and punctuated it with a big “Woohoo!” I think women who write “Woohoo!” are more likely to give oral, don’t you? I mean, you can’t even say the word without making a circle with your mouth.
Zander said we’d hit the riverbank, listen to music, drink wine, make out, “and see what develops.” Normally I’d be all over that, but I wanted to visit Faith first, since she lived the furthest away. Then hit Paducah, and finish up in Logan with Renee Williams, whom I consider to be a sure thing.
Fifteen minutes of driving gets me to a place where I have to make a decision. Straight ahead takes me to Starbucks.
Left leads to Paducah.
Do I literally stay on the straight and narrow and hope for a future with Trudy? Or veer left for a river romp with Zander?
I turn left.
Then feel guilty enough to pull over and call her again. But again, there’s no answer. Now I wonder if she’s okay, so I call the hospital and use my best doctor voice to confer with one of the nurses, who tells me Trudy’s fine, she’s just groggy from the pain meds. So I’m thinking I could drive two hours and sit in Trudy’s room all afternoon and she might not even know it, or I can hop over to Paducah to see if Zander Evans still wants to take me to the riverbank.
Faith looked nothing like her photos. But I know for a fact that Zander does, because we Skyped.
She even did a little dance for me.
Thinking about that dance makes me want to speed up. But I fight the urge. It’s only forty miles to Paducah, and I’d rather not have to deal with any more small-town cops, or hear about their sisters.
All three dating-site women are on my speed dial, so I press Zander’s name, and she answers on the first ring.
“Two-one-two area code!” she says. “It’s really you! Hi, Dr. Box!”
“Call me Gideon.”
“Okay, Gideon! What’s up?”
“If you still want to see me, I’m not far from Paducah.”
“No shit? How close are you?”
“Forty minutes.”
“Wow! Okay, I won’t complain about the short notice, but gosh, this is cutting it close! Okay, look, I’m going to hang up and get myself in order. You should’ve called sooner! Hey, Doc? I mean, Gideon?”
“Yes?”
“Do me a favor?”
“What’s that?”
“When you get to my exit, turn left. After a mile you’ll see a junk yard on the left side of the road. Pull into the entrance and give me a call. I’ll give you directions from there.”
“You want me to park in a junk yard? Is it safe?”
She laughs. “This isn’t New York, Gideon! The junk yard’s run by a sweet little old couple in their eighties. But you don’t have to turn in, just pull in the entrance and call me.”
“Okay.”
“I better hang up now. But Gideon?”
“Yeah?”
“I can’t wait to see you!”
I don’t get that reaction very often. As you might imagine.
“Really?” I say.
“Really. I’m going to show you a great time today!”
“I’m looking forward to it!”
“You won’t be sorry. I’m in a great mood!”
“Thanks, Zander.”
