Bloodhounds

He smiled. 'She who must be indulged.'

'And Sid?'

'Joined six months after me, though you would hardly have noticed. He made being inconspicuous into an art form.'

'You don't sound all that enamored of the other members, Mr. Darby, yet you stuck with the club. Why?'

'Oh, it gets me out of my local for a couple of hours.' Rupert gave his smile that resembled a country churchyard. 'And I have a mission. I want to persuade those poor, blinkered bastards to read some books that deal with the real crimes of our time and the misery and despair that they engender. You can't make converts overnight. They're fixated by ancient puzzle stories with maps in the front and snobbish characters suffering from xenophobia.'

'What's that?'

Julie murmured, 'Hatred of foreigners.'

Rupert went on. 'And they also talk endlessly about timetables.' Without more preamble, he launched into an extraordinary monologue. ' 'By your leave, my lord,' declared the inspector, with a deferential cough. 'There is only one possible killer. He left here at seven ten and got to the station by seven fourteen to catch the seven fifteen, but the seven fifteen was delayed because of the fog, and the first train in was the seven seven, running twelve minutes later. On the seven fifteen, which actually arrived at seven thirty-two, he would have missed his connection at seven twenty-seven, but the seven seven got him to Crewe by seven twenty-five, and he caught the seven twenty-seven and was in Little Fartington precisely at eight.' ' Rupert paused and grinned wickedly. ' 'Or so he believed. Actually it was still only seven o'clock. He knew how to use a timetable, but he didn't know about British Summer Time, so the murderer has to be the German, Herr Von Krapp.' '

This earned some genuine laughter. 'Did you make that up, or was it done from memory?' Diamond asked.

'I'm still pissed from last night,' Rupert said, without answering the question. 'My point is that these people know nothing of real crime.'

'And you're well qualified to tutor them.'

Diamond got a sharp look for that. 'If you mean that I read books that give it to you straight,' said Rupert, 'with the smell of blood and the pain and the suffering, yes.'

Tempting as it was to go into Rupert's criminal record, Diamond held off. At this stage he needed the man in good humor. 'Tell me about the meeting last Monday,' he said. 'You were late, I believe.'

'Very likely,' said Rupert airily. 'I'm not much of a timekeeper. When I got there, Marlowe-that's my dog'- Marlowe lifted his head from the plate of Pal and looked around-'Marlowe happened to go in ahead of me. He likes the meetings. As far as I can gather, the poor animal-who's just an overgrown puppy-well, look at him-unwittingly caused a panic by showing affection to that old bat, Miss Chilmark. I don't know why. She's never done a blessed thing to deserve a friendly lick from Marlowe or anyone else, for that matter. A more disagreeable old crone would be hard to find. When I got in, she was acting up, making a big production number out of it and having hysterics. It took a bag over her face to calm her down. Thank God for Jessica. Jessica Shaw.'

'We know Mrs. Shaw,' said Diamond.

'Capable woman. I didn't see the end of this performance. I had to take Marlowe next door to the Saracen's Head and settle him there with some drinking chums of mine. Of course he was no trouble at all. When I got back to the crypt, order was restored. Well, of course it was. Milady manufactured the whole melodrama so that she should have her way. You should have seen the triumphant look she gave me.'

'And then?'

'Oh, the new woman read us a short story.'

'The new woman?'

'Shirley-Ann Miller,' said Julie.

'Is that her name?' said Rupert. 'I never discovered. She joined a couple of weeks ago.' He chuckled. 'And regrets it now, no doubt. As I was saying, she read us something by Stanley Ellin, an American with a nice gift for the macabre. After that, I made some innocent remark that Polly took personally, silly old coot. They're such wimps, these people. What's wrong with some lively confrontation? Milo attempted to calm us down with his piece on the locked room puzzle. We all resigned ourselves to being bored out of our skulls for the rest of the evening-well, / did-and then, of course, he gobsmacked us all by opening his book and finding the bloody stamp.'

'Good. I'd like to hear more about that,' said Diamond. 'Can you remember what was said?'

'Give me a break; I'm barely awake yet!' He took a sip of coffee. 'As far as I recollect, Milo went crimson and kept saying what happened was impossible. I found it excruciatingly funny and said so. I remember trying to rib Milo about it, but he was far too shaken to take a joke. His first comment was that one of us must have planted the stamp on him somehow. Then he backtracked a bit. After all, whoever pinched it in the first place had committed a serious crime. Milo had to admit that he hadn't let the book leave his hands, not even when Miss Chilmark was throwing her tantrum. So without a clue as to how the thing was done, we got around to talking about what to do next. Polly-our top banana-said firmly that Milo should go straight to the police.'

'Polly made this suggestion?'

'Yes.'

'You're sure?'

'Yes, Polly. Does that remove her from your list of suspects? Have you met her?'

'Not yet,' said Diamond.

'Watch her eyes when she smiles. They don't change at all. But Milo was reluctant to throw himself on the mercy of the Old Bill. He expected a workover from you people. Well, he's more fruit than vegetable, isn't he? I'm sure you treated him with the utmost consideration, but there was solidarity from some of us. I was willing to keep quiet, and said so. So was Jessica. As for the new woman, Sally…?'

'Shirley-Ann.'

'Thank you. I may be muddled about the name, but I've got her number all right: the sort of bright-eyed little body who wears a knitted hat and knows about homeopathy. She suggested he send the stamp back by post. Good thinking. He might have got away with that. The trouble was, as Jessica pointed out, we all had to agree to button our lips, and two of the company weren't willing to do that.'

'Polly and who else?'

'Who do you think?'

'Miss Chilmark?' said Diamond.

'Right. The Grand Duchess.'

'How about Sid? Did anyone ask him?'

'Yes. He said he could stay quiet.' Rupert threw back his head and guffawed. 'Sid offering to stay quiet! It was the funniest thing all evening. He should have taken a bow for that. None of them saw the joke except me. So there it was. Two in favor of blowing the whistle and four against. But of course, to work, the vote had to be unanimous. Milo isn't slow on the uptake. He could see that. He marched off to do his duty as a responsible member of the public.'

'Leaving the rest of you to talk it over?'

Rupert shook his head. 'There was no more talk, squire. The meeting broke up. I've no idea what time it was.'

'Eight forty-five, I was told,' said Diamond. 'What did you do?'

'Went into the Saracen's to collect my dog.'

'Who with?'

'No one. We all went our different ways. I may have had one drink. I wasn't there long. I rescued Marlowe and took him for a walk. The poor old tyke was bursting. Some people's idea of fun is tanking up my dog with Guinness.'

'So where did he lift his leg?'

'That is rather personal, isn't it? Along the riverbank.'

'And then did you come back here?'

'Yes. I needed to eat by then.'

'Can anyone vouch for your movements?'

'I can.'