Like Part of the Family

“I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” I said. “You’re one, too? Am I right?”

“A recent convert,” he admitted.

“So…that whole weight lose, going all weird on the missus that was-?”

“A transition process. It’s not like they show in the movies, you know. Takes weeks. The whole metabolism changes.”

“No kidding.”

One of the vampires faked a lunge to psyche me out and I jumped a foot in the air. I’m pretty sure I didn’t yelp like a Chihuahua, but I wouldn’t swear to that in court. They all laughed at that, too. I didn’t.

“Which explains why you lost all that weight.”

“Who needs steroids and free-weights,” he agreed and spread his hands. “This package comes with honest to God super strength. I’m like Spider-man and Wolverine rolled into one. Super strong and I heal from damn near anything.”

“Could you be more specific on that last point?”

“Cute.”

“Worth a try.” I looked at them, at their grinning, evil faces. My nuts were trying to crawl up inside of my chest cavity. I mean…fucking vampires?

“Weird thing was,” I said, “I was starting to build a case in my head about your wife. You losing weight and getting pale, blaming her for it all, and you saying you know what she is. Is she a vampire, too? Is she the one who bit you?”

Skye laughed. “Christ no. And she’s not a succubus either. She’s just a nagging, soul-draining, passive- aggressive, codependent bitch.”

“Wow. You’re really a chauvinistic prick, aren’t you?”

“Better than being pussy whipped.”

I dropped it. I had bigger fish to fry than trying to bring this macho jackass into the Twenty-first century. Namely the fact that I was in a roomful of vampires.

I know I keep harping on that, but really…it’s not the sort of shit that happens all the time to me. Or, like… ever.

“Say, man,” I said to Skye, “any chance we can roll back this tape to the point where we were still friends? I just walk out of here and we all call it a day?”

Skye made a face as if pretending to consider it. “Mmm…no, I don’t see that happening.”

“You want to make a deal of some kind?”

“Nah,” he said. “You got nothing I want. Except the O-positive.”

“AB neg,” I corrected.

“Never tried that.”

“You wouldn’t like it. Goes right to your hips.”

The wattage on his smile was dimmer. Jaunty banter can buy only so many seconds and then it’s back to business.

I tried to keep my face neutral, but my pulse was like a jazz drum solo.

“I’m going to throw something out here,” I said. I could hear a tremor in my voice. Fuck.

“Oh, please.” He gestured to the four killers and they started forward.

“Wait! Just hear me out. What have you got to lose?”

The thugs looked at Skye. West gave a ‘why not?’ kind of shrug.

Skye sighed. “Okay, what is it? Last words? A little begging?” he suggested.

“Mm, more like last threat.”

“This I got to hear.”

The five of them looked genuinely interested.

“Okay, so here you are, five vampires. That’s some really scary shit, am I right? I mean creatures of the night and all that.”

He nodded, nothing to disagree with.

“To most people that’s enough to make them go apeshit crazy. I mean…vampires. Not your everyday thing. It opens up all kinds of metaphysical questions. If vampires exist, what else does? If there are supernatural monsters, does that mean God and the Devil are real? You follow me?”

“Sure. We get that a lot.”

“And I’m outnumbered here. Five to one. Tough odds without you fellows being the undead. So…why am I not I scared?”

His eyes narrowed.

“I mean, yeah, my pulse is racing and I’m sweating. But do I look as scared as I should be? I don’t do I? Now…why is that?”

“So you put up a good front. It’ll be a good anecdote later,” he said. “For us.”

“Maybe he’s got a hammer and stake,” suggested West.

That got a laugh.

“Nope.”

My heart rate had to be close to two hundred. It was machinegun fire in my chest.

“Coupla garlic bulbs in your pocket?” asked East.

“Nah. I don’t even like it on my pizza.”

“You don’t have any backup,” said North. “And you don’t got your gun.”

My blood pressure could have scalded paint off a battleship. I wiped sweat off my brow with my thumb.

“Okay, jokes over,” snapped Skye. “What’s the punch line here? Why aren’t you as scared as you should be?”

I smiled.

“I’ll show you.”

The first time it happened, way back when I was thirteen, it took almost half an hour. I screamed and cried and rolled around on the floor. First time’s always the hardest. Each time since it was easier. My grandmother and her sister could do it in the time it took you to snap your fingers. My best time was during a foot chase back when I was with Minneapolis PD. I was running down the guy who’d beaten his wife with the extension cord. He saw me coming and ducked into his apartment. I kicked the door and he came out of the bedroom with a gun and opened up. I went through the change in the time it took me to leap through the doorway. Like the snap of my fingers. One minute me, next minute different me.

I tore the shit out of him. I lost my badge and pension and had to make up all sorts of excuses. On the plus side, I didn’t die, which would have happened if I hadn’t managed the change so fast. I’m only mortal when I look like one.

That night in Skye’s office wasn’t my best time. Maybe third or fourth best. Say, two, three seconds. It felt like an explosion. It hurts. Feels like my heart is bursting, like cherry bombs are detonating inside my muscles. It starts in the chest, then ripples out from there as muscle mass changes and is reassigned in new ways. Bones warp, crack and re-form. Nails tear through the flesh of my fingers and toes, my jaw shifts and the longer teeth spike through the gums. It’s bloody and it’s ugly and it hurts like a motherfucker.

But the end result is a stunner. A real kick-ass dramatic moment that wows the audience.

I think all four of the thugs screamed. They jerked back from me, looks of shock and horror on their faces. If I wasn’t so deeply into the moment I would have smiled at the irony. Monsters being scared by a monster.

I crouched in the center of the room, hands flexing, claws streaked with blood, hot saliva dripping from my mouth onto my chest.

It would have been cool and dramatic to have said “Surprise!” to them the way Skye had said it to me, but my mouth was no longer constructed for human speech. All I could do was roar.

I did.

And then I launched at them.

Vampires are strong. Four or five times stronger than an ordinary human.

Werewolves?

Hell, we’re a whole different class.

I slammed into West with both sets of front claws. He flew apart like he was made of paper and watery red