proof of that.'
'Does this marriage tempt you?'
She frowned disapprovingly and then said as if astonished, 'Didn't you hear what I said? I'm amazed at how slow you are today. At any rate, you're not your normal self. Shake off this gloom you've needlessly courted and listen to me one last time: I ignored the man and his wish for your sake.'
He wanted to learn how old this man was but did not know how to phrase the question. Youth and age were not mattershe had paid attention to before. After some hesitation he said, 'Perhapshe's a callow youth who says things without thinking about them.'
'He's no child. He's in his thirties.'
In other words, the man was a quarter century behind al-Sayyid Ahmad. In everything except age it is bad to be behind. Jealousy is a brazen assassin.
She continued: 'I pretended not to know him, even though he promised me the kind of life I dream of.'
'What a chip off the old block!' he told himself. 'Zubayda could have learned a lot from you.'
'Is that so?' he asked.
'Let me tell you bluntly that I can't stand this life any longer.'
'Remember the fly and the spider,' he reminded himself.
'Really?'
'Yes. I want a secure life and a legal one. Or do you think that's wrong?'
'You came to interrogate her,' he reflected, 'but where do you stand now? She's the one ready to throw you out. How come you're so forbearing? Reserve some self-respect for what's left of your life. Do you understand what she's hinting at? … How lovely the breaking waves are at sunset.'
His silence was prolonged, and she calmly started up again: 'This won't anger you, for you're a pious man in spite of everything.
How can you obstruct a woman's desire to live according to the teachings of her religion? I don't want to be a mount for every rider. I'm not like my aunt. I have the heart of a Believer: I fear God. This has strengthened my resolve to abandon my sinful ways.'
He listened to her last statement with astonishment and alarm. He started to scrutinize her with annoyance, which he hid behind a feeble smile. Then he replied, 'You've never mentioned this to me before. Until yesterday we were getting along fine.'
'I didn't know how to disclose my feelings to you.'
'She's getting away from you with frightening and wicked speed. What a disappointment! I'm prepared to forget last night, ill-omened though it was. I'll forget my doubt and my pain … if she renounces this devilish scheme.'
'We lived together happily and harmoniously. Does our relationship mean so little to you?'
'No, but I want to make it better. Isn't a godly life better than a sinful one?'
His lower lip tightened into a meaningless smile. Then he said in a faint voice, 'For me the situation is quite different'. 'How?'
'I'm married, my son's married, and my daughters are married. As you can see, the matter's extremely delicate'. Then he added regretfully, 'Weren't we blissfully happy?'
She answered testily, 'I'm not telling you to divorce your wife and renounce your children. Many men have more than one wife.'
He observed apprehensively, 'Marriage for a man my a… in my situation is not an easy matter. It provokes a lot of comment.'
She laughed sarcastically and said, 'Everyone knows you have a mistress That doesn't bother you. How come the possibility of gossip about a legal marriage worries you — if you want to marry me?'
Smiling with uneasy confusion, he said, 'Only a few people know my secret. Besides, my family's totally in the dark about it.'
She raised her penciled eyebrows in disbelief and said, 'That's what you think. Only God knows for sure. What secret's secure from people's tongues?'
Before he could respond, she continued irately: 'Or perhaps you don't think I'm good enough to have the honor of belonging to your family?'
'God forgive me,' he thought, 'the husband of Zanuba the lute player….'
'I didn't mean that, Zanuba.'
She said disdainfully, 'You won't be able to hide your true feelings from me for long. I'll learn them tomorrow if not today. If marrying me would disgrace you, then goodbye.'
'You came to get rid of the other man,' he told himself, 'but he's tossing you out. You've given up asking her where she was. She's offering you a choice between marriage and the door. What are you going to do? What's paralyzing you? It's your treacherousheart. Having your bones ripped from your flesh would be easier than leaving this lute player. Isn't it sad you're suffering an insane love like this only when you're getting on in years?'
He asked critically, 'Is that what you think of me?'
'I don't think much of a person who treats me like spit.'
Sadly and calmly he said, 'You're dearer to me than my soul.'
'Words! We've heard a lot of them.'
'But it's the truth.'
'It's time to learn that from your actions, not your words.'
He looked down in distress and despair. He did not know how he could accept her proposal and yet did not have the strength to reject it, particularly since his desire for her had destroyed his mental concentration and shackled him. In a subdued voice he said, 'Give me time to arrange my life….'
Hiding a sly smile, she said smugly, 'If you really love me, you won't hesitate.'
He quickly retorted, 'It's not that. There are other matters…'. He gestured as if to explain his words, although even he did not know precisely what they meant.
She smiled and said, 'If that's how it is, I'll wait patiently.'
He experienced the temporary relief of a collapsing boxer who hears the bell concluding a round other than the final one. A wish for consolation from his cares and reassurance after his anxiety pulsed through him. Holding his hand out to her, he said, 'Come to me.'
She drew herself back resolutely in the chair and said, 'When God sanctions it.'
100
He left the houseboat, made his way along the dark bank of the Nile, and headed down the deserted street toward the Zamalek Bridge. The gentle breeze cooled his hot brow and with a rustling whisper stirred the interlocking branches of the giant trees, which in the gloom resembled dunes or ebony clouds. Whenever he glanced up he found them hovering over him like phantoms of the worry troubling his breast. Did these lights pouring out of houseboat windows come from homes free of cares?
'But no anxiety's comparable to yours,' he assured himself. 'There's a difference between a man who dies and one who commits suicide. You've unquestionably agreed to commit suicide.'
He continued walking, for he could think of no better way to release his nervous tension and to collect his thoughts before joining his friends. He would eventually closet himself with them and tell them everything. He would not take a step like this without consulting them, even though he could already guess what they would say. He would confess it all to them, no matter how painful, since he felt as overwhelming a desire to confide in them as a drowning man does to cry for help when seized by a violent wave.
He was well aware that he had agreed to marry Zanuba. He could hardly deny his abject craving for her but could not imagine that marriage would accommodate his desires. How could he break the 'good' news to his wife and children or to other people? Although he wanted to keep walking for as long as possible and had no destination, he quickened his pace, took broad steps, and struck his stick against the ground as if in a great hurry to get somewhere.
She had rejected him and sent him away. These tricks were no novelty to a man of his worldly experience,
