By bus, duh. She’d arrived at the Greyhound station on NW Sixth Avenue. Then she’d walked for a long time, she remembered, looking for an address. It was in a place she knew, but somehow she didn’t know where that place actually was. The area wasn’t very nice. A lot of the store-fronts were boarded over and had letters above them that didn’t make words in English. There were cardboard boxes all over and the smell of rotting fruit in gutters. The parked cars looked old. It had been different also from the parts of Portland that Madison knew in that it seemed to be a place where only men lived. Men, standing in dirty grocery stores. Men leaning in doorways, by themselves or with someone just like them, not talking to each other but watching everyone who went past. Men, on street corners, shivering. There were white men and black men and Asian men, but they all looked more or less the same and like they all knew about the same things. Maybe this was what her mom meant when she said the color of someone’s skin made no difference. At some point there’d been a man in particular, two men, in fact. They had a dog on a chain. They’d come toward her purposefully, looking all around as they got closer, but then their dog suddenly started going nuts and they crossed the street instead.
Did she find the place she was looking for? She still couldn’t remember that part. But she knew she didn’t have the small notebook when she left the house that morning. So maybe that’s where it had come from. Good. Call that squared away. She got to Portland by bus.
Once she’d filled in every one of these little gaps, everything would be back to normal.
Inside the parking lot, it was dark and cool. People walked back and forth with suitcases that made clackety sounds. Cars pulled out of spaces and went swishing out onto the road. Big white and yellow and red buses with sliding doors and hotel names on them let people off or picked them up. It was a place full of people who didn’t know each other. That was good. Madison decided she would find somewhere she could sit and think in quiet. She walked down the center of one of the aisles. Everyone was talking or laughing or paying cabdrivers or keeping track of their own children. It was like they couldn’t see her at all. This reminded her of something, though she couldn’t remember what.
She was approaching a car that was parked halfway along the aisle, when she found herself slowing down. The car was yellow, and the driver’s side door was open. She diverted her course to the other side of the aisle.
As she passed the car, she glanced across. A man was sitting inside. He was pretty old and had gray hair. His hands were on the steering wheel, though the engine was not running. He was staring through the windshield and looked like he’d been there a while. Madison was wondering what the man was looking at, when he seemed to wake up. He turned his head and saw her. She had time to notice that there was something weird about his face, and then he backed out of the space like he was in a car chase. He went screeching out of the lot before she really had time to absorb what was happening.
But now the last gap was filling, like water running back up through the drain into a bathtub. Something about when she was walking through town…a Chinese woman. Yes. She had given Madison the notebook. After she left the woman’s house and was walking again, a man had pulled over to the curb, offered her a lift in his car. Maddy had lived all her life with very clear instructions about not getting into the cars of strangers, and yet that’s what she’d done. The man had been very nice to her at first; he just happened to be heading to the airport, and he’d be happy to help out. Then he became nervous and like a little boy and kept laughing even though neither of them had said anything funny. He said stuff about how pretty she looked, which she liked when Dad said it but not when this man did.
Then they’d been together at the airline ticket desk, and she’d pretended he was her daddy, and he had bought the ticket with money she’d given him. But after that he’d wanted to come out here to the parking lot and had tried to get her to get into the car with him again. He said he’d done what she wanted, and now she had to be nice, too. He put his hand on her arm.
She still could not remember what happened then, but when he’d looked at her before driving away, the thing she remembered about his face was that there’d been a long scratch on it. Madison knew she hadn’t gotten back into his car. Instead she had run back into the terminal, and tried to fly.
She pulled the ticket out of her pocket. She had never been to Seattle. Why did she want to go now? She didn’t know. She did want to, though, and right away. Being kept away from Seattle felt bad. She would have to find—as Dad sometimes said, when on the phone to office people—“some other more workable solution.”
Belatedly realizing that her coat felt bulky in the chest, she put her hand in the inside pocket. It came out holding an envelope. It was dusty. Inside were hundred-dollar bills. A lot of them. They couldn’t be Mom’s—she had credit cards. At the bottom of the envelope was a small metal ring, with two keys on it.
Madison put the envelope back into her pocket, mentally filing it among the things to be thought about later. She was smart. Everybody said so. She would get to the bottom of this.
Now, in the meantime, back in the parking garage, she noticed a woman standing a few cars down, loading a small suitcase into the back of her car. Madison walked toward her and stopped a few feet away.
The woman turned. She was younger than Madison’s mom. “Hello,” she said. “What’s your name?”
“Madison. What’s yours?”
The woman said her name was Karen. She was nice, and friendly, and within a couple of minutes Madison began to believe she had found a more workable solution.
When Karen drove the car out of the lot, Madison was sitting in the passenger seat. The woman seemed disconcerted by all the road choices, as Maddy’s mom sometimes did, and so, to let her get on with it without an audience, Madison reached into her pocket and pulled out the notebook once more.
She opened it to the first page and read what came after the first line:
And the people looked, and they saw that Death sucked, but they assumed this is what God wanted— because our God was a harsh god, and hated us. They believed Death to be His final punishment, at the end of our short spans of bloody sorrow: that He drops us on this dark and brutal plane to scurry from cold shelter to poor food and back, in endless rain, all the while bowed under the knowledge that at some time, at any time, a heel dipped in gore could drop like thunder and smear us broken across stony ground. We see the people we love taken from us, turned sick and rotten in front of our eyes, and we eat and fuck and dream our febrile lives away, because we understand that this will be our fate, too—and that afterward comes an eternity lying silent and blind in a dark, soft cloud: this prospect sugared only by the lies we learned to tell ourselves as soon as we could speak, the promise of an imprisoned life everlasting, in the lofty attic of Heaven, or the basement corridors of Hell.
But, and here you must listen…
The lie is not quite a lie.
These places do exist, but close by. People realized this slowly, started to make plans. Some did. The very few. Those who possessed the will and strength of purpose. The self-chosen ones. Those who learned that the doors to prisons could be unlocked in the night, that we could venture back. And who in time came to realize that they could inhabit the daylight hours, too, become the householder once again.
People like us.
People like you, my dear.
“What’s that you’re reading?” the woman asked as she turned with evident relief onto a big road.
“I have no idea,” Madison said.
chapter
ELEVEN
The bar I’d been in had been okay but staid, and after a while they put the game on and everyone watched with the sound off. Not my kind of place. So I migrated to somewhere along the street called Tillie’s, which was more scuffed up and played loud rock and roll. That didn’t mean it was a great environment for me to be in, however. The good and bad thing about bars and alcohol is that they blur social bonds. Sometimes this can be a plus—a lonely person finding solace in the company of strangers, the temporary tribal warmth of sitting around the same campfire. But it can also be that one individual begins to seem as relevant as the next, that the person you love is suddenly too annoying to bear and complete unknowns become your best friends. As a result you end up having conversations you probably shouldn’t. I do anyhow. I’d been talking to one guy in particular, and the discussion was going downhill. This person had shadows under his eyes, his hair needed a trim, and his jacket was
