‘Oh, I think that would be a good idea, Mr Macleod. Anything to reinforce the idea in his mind that this is not a prison, and he is not a prisoner.’
SIXTEEN
Who is it now? I’m not budging. They can all go to hell.
The door opens and there is a young man standing there. I’ve seen him before somewhere. Does he work here?
‘Hello, Mr Macdonald,’ he says, and there is something comforting in his voice. Familiar.
‘Do I know you?’
‘It’s Fin.’
Fin. Fin. Strange name. Shark’s fin. Tail fin. French fin. ‘What kind of name’s that?’
‘Short for Finlay. I was Fionnlagh till I went to school, then they gave me my English name. Finlay. It was Marsaili who called me Fin.’ He sits down beside me on the bed.
I feel hope lifting me. ‘Marsaili? Is she here?’
‘No, but she asked me if I would take you out for a wee run in the car. She said you would like that.’
I am disappointed. But it would be nice to get out for a bit. I’ve been stuck in here for a while now. ‘I would.’
‘And I see you’re all dressed up and ready to go.’
‘Always.’ I can feel a smile creeping up on me. ‘You’re a good lad, Fin. You always were. But you shouldn’t have been coming round the farm when your folks had forbidden it.’
Fin is smiling, too, now. ‘You remember that, do you?’
‘I do. Your mother was furious. Mary was scared she’d think we’d been encouraging it. How are your folks, by the way?’
He doesn’t answer. He’s looking at my hands, and lifts my right forearm. ‘They tell me you cut yourself, Mr Macdonald.’
‘Did I?’ I look at my hands and see white bandages wrapped around them. Oh! What the hell happened? I feel a spike of fear. ‘God,’ I say, quite shaken. ‘You’d think it would hurt. But I don’t feel anything. Is it bad?’
‘They gave you some stitches, apparently. Up at the hospital. You were trying to escape.’
‘Escape?’ The very word lifts my spirits.
‘Yes. But, you know, Mr Macdonald, you’re not locked in here. You can come and go when you like. Just like a hotel. As long as you let people know.’
‘I want to go home,’ I say.
‘Well, you know what they say, Mr Macdonald. Home is where your hat is.’
‘Do they?’ Who the hell are
‘Yes, they do.’
‘Well, where’s my hat?’
Fin grins at me. ‘It’s on your head.’
I can feel my own surprise, and put my hand up to find my hat there right enough. I take it off and look at it. Good old hat. It’s been with me for many a long year. I laugh now. ‘So it is. I didn’t realize.’
He helps me gently to my feet.
‘Wait, I’ll have to get my bag.’
‘No, you’d best leave it here, Mr Macdonald. You’ll need your things when you get back.’
‘I’m coming back?’
‘Of course. You’ll need to come back to hang up your hat. Remember? Home is where your hat is.’
I look at the hat, still held in my bandaged hands, and laugh again. I put it firmly back on my head. ‘You’re right. I’d almost forgotten.’
I love to see the sun on the ocean, like this. You know that it’s deep out there, because it’s such a dark blue. It’s only in the sandy shallows that it’s green, or turquoise. None of that here, though. The sand shelves away almost immediately. It’s the undertow that does it. You always hear stories of folk drowning here. Incomers or visitors, mostly. The sand fools them, because it’s so soft, and fine, and yellow, and safe. The locals wouldn’t dream of going in the water, except in a boat. Most of them can’t swim, anyway. Dammit, what’s the name of this beach again?
‘Dalmore,’ Fin says.
I didn’t realize I’d said that out loud. But, aye. Dalmore beach, that’s right. I recognized it as soon as we turned down on the shore road, past the cottages and the wheelie bins to the cemetery. Poor souls laid to rest up there on the machair, the sea eating away at them.
These damn pebbles are big. Hard to walk on. But the sand’s easier. Fin helps me take off my shoes and socks, and I feel the sand now between my toes. Soft, and warmed by the sun. ‘Makes me think of Charlie’s beach,’ I say.
Fin stops and gives me an odd look. ‘Who’s Charlie?’
‘Oh, no one you’d know. He’s a long time dead.’ And I laugh and laugh.
On the sand below the reinforcements at the cemetery wall, he spreads the travelling rug he took from the boot of the car, and we sit down. He has some bottles of beer. Cold, but not chilled. All right, though. He opens a couple and passes me one, and I enjoy that stuff foaming in my mouth, just like the very first time on the roof of The Dean.
The sea’s a bit wild out there in the wind, breaking white all around those rock stacks. I can even feel a hint of spray on my face. Light, like the touch of a feather. Wind’s blown all the clouds away now. There were days out on the moor I’d have killed for a piece of blue sky like that.
Fin’s taking something out of his bag to show me. A photograph, he says. It’s quite big. I bury the base of my beer bottle in the sand to keep it upright, and take the photograph. It’s a bit awkward with my hands bandaged like this.
‘Oh.’ I turn to Fin. ‘Is this a coloured man?’
‘No, Mr Macdonald. I thought it might be someone you know.’
‘Is he sleeping?’
‘No, he’s dead.’ He seems to wait, while I look at it. Expecting me to say something. ‘Is that Charlie, Mr Macdonald?’
I look at him and laugh out loud. ‘No, it’s not Charlie. How would I know what Charlie looks like? You daft
He smiles, but he looks a bit uncertain. I can’t think why. ‘Take a good look at the face, Mr Macdonald.’
So I look at it, carefully, like he asks. And now that I see beyond the colour of the skin, there is something familiar about those features. Strange. That slight turn of the nose. Just like Peter’s. And the tiny scar on his upper lip, at the right-hand corner of the mouth. Peter had a little scar like that. Cut himself on a chipped water glass once when he was about four. And, oh … that scar on his left temple. Didn’t notice that before.
Suddenly it dawns on me who it is, and I lay the photo in my lap. I can’t bear to look at it any more. I
Fin nods, looking at me so strangely. ‘Why are you crying, Mr Macdonald?’
Peter asked me that same thing, too, once.
Saturdays were the best. Free of school, free of God, free of Mr Anderson. If we had some money we could go up into the town to spend it. Not that we had money very often, but that wouldn’t stop us going. Just a fifteen- minute walk and you were in another world.
The castle dominated the town, sitting up there on that big black rock, casting its shadow on the gardens below. And people all along the whole length of the street, in and out of shops and cafes, motor cars and buses belching great clouds of exhaust fumes into the air.
We had a wee scam going, me and Peter. We would sometimes go up into town on a Saturday morning, wearing our oldest clothes and our scruffiest shoes with the soles flapping away from the uppers, and we hung a little cardboard sign around Peter’s neck, with the word BLIND scrawled on it. It’s a good job we had a half-decent
