Hitchers

“Forgive him for what?” Mom asked.

I wanted to jump in and save Grandma from having to say it, but it had to come from her.

“He…” She trailed off, her voice trembling.

In the kitchen, Aunt Julia’s cuckoo clock went off. We waited through six utterly incongruous cuckoos.

“He was at the pier that night. With Kayleigh.”

Mom leapt to her feet. “What?”

I leaned toward Grandma, my heart thumping. “It was his idea to go. Wasn’t it?”

Grandma nodded.

I knew it. I could almost hear him. Come on, get your suit on. We’re going back to the pier.

All this time, he let me think it was my fault. I’d spent twenty years carrying his guilt for him.

My heart was racing so fast the corners of my vision went grey; for a moment I thought I was going to pass out. I’d come so close to never knowing.

I came back to myself to find Mom in my face, trembling with rage. “You son of a bitch.” She grabbed the front of my shirt and shook me. “Get out here. I want to hear it from you. I want you to look me in the eye and tell me why my daughter is dead.” She slapped my face. It felt marvelous, because I knew it was meant for him. “And now you’re going to take my son?” Mom lifted my hand, examined it, saw that it wasn’t trembling and let it drop. I wanted her to hit me again, wanted her to curl up her fist and punch me in the eye. I didn’t care that I was the one who was feeling it; he was in there watching. The lying bastard. Give him one for Kayleigh. Better yet, go get a knife from the kitchen.

A blush of triumph washed through me. You want to play, old man? I’m not twelve any more. I almost wanted him to come out now; I wanted to watch him face the truth. I felt light as a cork bobbing on water. Like an airship that snapped its tethers and was rising into the blue sky. I felt as strong as The Hulk.

Then I realized why.

You can feel it, Grandpa had said. I felt him go when we were in the water, and I felt him come back.

I couldn’t be sure, yet somehow I was.

“Jesus, he’s gone,” I whispered. I looked at my mother.

She studied me for a moment, then nodded, as if Grandpa needed her permission to go. “Good.” She sniffed, wiped her eyes on her sleeve.

Then she seemed to fully grasp what it meant. She laughed, and grabbed my head and pulled it to her. I put my arms around her waist and squeezed.

We stayed like that for a long moment. When Mom finally let go, she turned to face Grandma, who lifted her chin, her eyes glassy but free of tears. “What good would it have done to tell you once he was gone? All it would’ve done is cause more pain.”

“That wasn’t for you to decide,” Mom said. “Jesus, can’t you see that?”

Unable to hold eye contact with Mom, Grandma looked toward the TV, which was off. Nothing good on.

We waited for some response from her, but none came. I could understand why Mom was angry at Grandma, but I wasn’t sure what I felt. I was too relieved to care. Maybe later I’d hate her for it, or more likely pity her, but suddenly my entire future was stretched in front of me. There was no need to say goodbye to my friends, my family.

Although that wasn’t completely true. I went to the window, pulled back the thick curtain and looked at Lorena waiting in the Maserati. Or was it Summer? No, through the blur of the rain-streaked windshield I could see her putting on lipstick, clutching it with two hands to steady the shaking. It was Lorena.

I turned back to Mom. “I have to go. I have to help Summer. And Lorena. I’ll call you soon.”

Mom hugged me. “I’m sorry,” she said in my ear.

I pulled back to look at her. “For what?”

“I always blamed you.”

A lump rose in my throat, thinking of what was left of Kayleigh with her wafer-thin sneakers, still talking about her red bike.

“It was still partly my fault,” I said

Mom squeezed my arms, shook me slightly. “No, it wasn’t. You were just a kid.”

It’s never that easy, though. That I was a kid wouldn’t bring Kayleigh back. There are no do-overs. At least, there aren’t supposed to be.

The screen door gave a cheap aluminum screech as it closed behind me. Lorena looked up, smiled hopefully with Summer’s mouth.

“What did you find out?”

I found out that hitchers can’t leave even if they want to, if in their heart of hearts they want to stay. But if they lose that desire, they slip away like they were buttered.

I thought I knew how to free Summer.

I slid into the driver’s seat.

“Well?” Lorena said.

I considered lying. Would it hurt Summer’s chances if Lorena knew how I had overcome Grandpa? Would she see that the conversation I was having with her was an attempt to send her back as well?

I’d never lied to Lorena, and my instincts were that now wasn’t the time to start. The truth I needed to speak, if I could muster the strength to speak it, was bad enough without preceding it with lies.

“What’s the matter with you?” Lorena asked.

I clasped my hands behind my neck, pulled my elbows together. “I’m struggling with something. I don’t know how to say it.”

Lorena smiled uneasily, her eyebrows knitted. “Okay.”

For a moment I was back on that riverbank, holding Lorena’s body, her shoes smoking, her eyes open and empty. How could I possibly do this?

I took a deep, shaky breath. “Grandpa is gone.”

Lorena inhaled excitedly, leaping forward in her seat. “Oh God, Finn. That’s…” She pressed her palms against her face, shook her head. “I can’t believe it.” She grabbed my hands and squeezed them. “You’re sure?”

“I’m positive.”

Lorena threw her head back, shook her fists and howled with joy. I gently grasped one of her wrists. She stopped. “What’s the matter? Why aren’t you happy?”

Was she imagining we would pick up where we left off on the canoe trip, that I could look into Summer’s eyes and see only Lorena, as if Summer had never existed?

“Because it’s not just about me.” I pointed at her heart. “Summer is in there, hanging on for dear life. She has a daughter. She has dreams, and plans. She’s courageous. Kind down to her bones.” Lorena was shaking her head, forming her answer. “Summer doesn’t deserve what’s happening to her.”

Lorena pressed a hand to her chest. “I’m not trying to take that away. I can’t help—” She stopped. She studied my face. I turned and watched my mother and Grandma through Aunt Julia’s window.

“Why didn’t I see it before?” Lorena said, studying my profile. “How could I have missed it?” She touched the side of my face. “You’re in love with her.”

I cupped my hand over my mouth, stared at the grit worked into the creases in the leather steering wheel. I was relieved that she had said it, so I didn’t have to. I knew I would never forgive myself for admitting this to Lorena. But if I denied it and Summer was dumped into Deadland, I would also never forgive myself, and Summer would die.

Lorena’s voice got low, almost inaudible, like she was talking to herself. “I did see it; of course I did. I just didn’t want to admit it. The way you look at her, the lingering eye contact. You used to look at me that way, now I only see it when I’m behind her eyes. When I’m here you’re looking everywhere but at me.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but couldn’t find words.

“Look at me,” Lorena croaked.

I swallowed thickly, turned to Lorena. It hurt.

“You’re in love with her.” Lorena’s eyes squeezed closed. “I can’t believe it. I’ve lost you.”