Zombies and Shit

“What the hell are you doing!” Junko yells.

The camera ball quickly follows Scavy, as if excited the viewers will finally get to see some action.

“I’m sick of going around them,” he says, holding up his naginata spear like a lance. “I’m going straight through.”

He lets out a battle cry and all of the zombies turn their attention to him.

“Braains…” they moan as they stagger toward him.

“Get back here, you dumbfuck!” Junko yells.

Junko stomps her foot and glares over at Rainbow Cat. The hippy girl rolls her eyes. Junko groans loudly and then races after the idiot.

“The only good part about being put on this fucking show,” Scavy says, just as he reaches the first zombie, “is being able to kill shit.”

Then he swings the blade of his spear at the attacking corpse with all of his strength, the blade cuts through the zombie’s neck and decapitates it. The head flies over his shoulder and rolls down the street toward Rainbow Cat.

But the zombie continues its attack. Green sludge spews out of the corpse’s neck hole as it wraps its claws around Scavy’s shoulders. Even though it no longer has a head, it’s stump of a neck still tries to get at Scavy’s brain, as if desperately hoping that there might be a way to slurp the brain into its neck hole.

“Don’t let that green shit touch you!” Junko yells at Scavy. “It’s infectious.”

Scavy pushes away at the headless corpse with the shaft of his spear, as the green sauce geysers in his direction. Then two other zombies grab him by the elbow and neck, going for his brain. The punk thrashes around to prevent them from getting a good bite, but the thrashing causes the green sludge to get onto his clothes.

One of the zombies that has a hold of him is incredibly sloggy and melted. It has dozens of pennies, nickels, and quarters embedded into its flesh, as if it had been hibernating in a wishing fountain for the past few decades. When it opens its mouth to groan, several coins trickle out of its mouth like a slot machine. Scavy laughs at the sight. He wonders if the zombie had swallowed all of those coins in order to eat the brains of all of those tiny metal presidents.

As the coin zombie widens its jaws around Scavy’s ear, Junko smashes its face with the base of her chainsaw arm. Coins fly into the air as it tumbles away from the punk. Then she revs her chainsaw and severs the arms off of the headless zombie and kicks him away. Scavy shoves the third zombie off of him.

Eight more zombies come at them, and Junko charges forward. In a spinning motion, she ducks under their reaching arms and slashes their Achilles tendons. They drop. Before they can grab her from the ground, she runs at the other four. She jumps at one of them and decapitates it, then leaps at another and its head goes rolling. One at a time, she cuts off their heads. Once their heads are off, she goes for their ankles.

When she has incapacitated all of the undead, she turns to the others. “What are you waiting for? Come on!”

Scavy and Rainbow Cat stare at her with wide open mouths.

“That was fucking awesome!” Scavy says, squirming zombie bodies all around him.

“Let’s go,” she says, turning off her chainsaw. “The noise is going to attract ten times as many of those things.” Then she turns and runs.

Rainbow Cat and Scavy follow after her, jumping over the zombie arms that reach blindly across the asphalt. Up ahead, they see a dozen more of the undead coming straight for them.

“Fuck,” Junko groans, as she revs her chainsaw back into life. “I was hoping to avoid this shit.”

Junko knows exactly what she’s doing out there, because she had fully prepared herself for this competition. In the history of Zombie Survival, she was the first contestant to actually know she was going to be selected for the show beforehand. The second she had become blacklisted by employers in the Platinum, Gold, and Silver districts, she knew that it was done for a single purpose: so she would be forced to move to Copper and become eligible for the Zombie Survival contestant selection. And she knew who was responsible for getting her on that blacklist: her old boss, Wayne “The Wiz” Rizla.

She had met Wayne when she was seventeen years old. He was the judge of a beauty pageant she was participating in. She remembers the way his creepy eyes wouldn’t look anywhere else but on her body. She remembers him licking his crusty too-red lips behind his too-white goatee.

Back then she had long black hair, perfect ladylike posture, and a glowing artificial smile. Her mother encouraged her to focus on being beautiful. If she was beautiful she could marry a rich man and live in the Gold or Platinum Quadrant. If she was beautiful she would be too valuable to be discarded by society into the ghettos of Copper. So her mother made sure she wore the latest fashions, took good care of her nails and hair, learned the art of makeup application, and developed an attractive personality: innocent, joyful, pure. And her mother always put her in beauty pageants. She wanted her daughter’s beauty on display for all the rich men to see.

Even though her daughter was underage, her mother encouraged her to flirt with older wealthy men. When Wayne “The Wiz” Rizla introduced himself to her after she had come in third place in the pageant (the worst she had ever placed since she was ten), she could feel her mother’s eyes telling her: “Don’t fuck this up. He’s interested in you. Smile. Flash your eyelashes. Arch your back. Stick out your cleavage.”

But Junko was more creeped out by him than any man she had ever met. She just couldn’t flirt with him.

“Hi there,” he said, rubbing his white goatee. “My name is Wayne, but people call me The Wiz.”

Junko cowered beneath him, her back slouching, her eyes glancing at the ground, her teeth chewing nervously on the inside of her cheek. She could see her mother glaring at her from across the room for not flirting properly with the older man. Junko wasn’t presenting herself at all in the way that her mother had taught her. Junko knew that she would be punished by her mother for coming in third place, but if she could attract the affection of this older man perhaps she would be forgiven. She wouldn’t have to seriously form a relationship with the man, just give the impression to her mother that he was a potential suitor.

Junko widened her eyes and opened up her body to him, flirting with her neck and smile. She asks, “Why do they call you The Wiz?”

Wayne leaned in and spoke directly into her ear with his rough deep voice, “Because I make magic happen.”

When he pulled away he laughed, as if that was supposed to be a joke. Junko laughed with him. She knows to always laugh at a man’s jokes even if she isn’t sure whether or not he told a joke.

“I’m looking for a young pretty face for a new show I’m working on,” Wayne said. “I think you’d be perfect.”

“A show?” Junko asked. “Like a play?”

“No, a television show,” Wayne said. “Do you know what a television show is?”

Junko shook her head, but kept her fake smile beamed in his direction.

“You will soon enough. Television is finally coming to the island and the show I’m working on will be the biggest hit series of all time.”

“And you want me to be a part of it?” Junko asked, her excited tone of voice was actually genuine this time.

“I want you to be the star,” he said.

Then Junko’s fake smile became a real one.

Junko leads her crew into an abandoned building to escape the zombie fight. They don’t bother barricading the door and allow the zombies to pile in after them. Instead, they zigzag through corridors until they lose them. Then they jump into the pitch-black stairwell. They seem to have also lost the camera ball that was following them.

Rainbow Cat ruffles through her pack for her flashlight, but Junko says, “Leave your lights off.”

Feeling their way up the steps, they pray they don’t run into any corpses. But Junko feels safer knowing that the zombies are even more blind in the dark than they are and have a difficulty with stairs.

They continue climbing, stepping in sticky fluids and tripping over rubble, but they don’t run into any bodies… that they know of.

A wave of relief rushes over Rainbow Cat when they leave the stairwell onto a random floor. The offices here are dimly lit, but the little amount of light they have is enough to know exactly what’s around them. They choose a