pyramid, or the nature, form and use of the button. Two exceedingly severe censors would check the explanation with rigid discipline, marking down even the most insignificant errors of language, accent and pronunciation of the two interpreters. Mistakes were punished by a fine, to be paid in cash, which, once collected, served to acquire victuals wherewith to feed and joyously restore the entire company.
While some doubts might be permitted as to the usefulness of such congregations, it was not even possible to guess at the activities of certain others. One could readily suppose that the Academy of Husbandmen of the Vine concerned itself with matters of art and the spirit, preferably under the foliage of a vineyard. It was suspected that the Symposiacs met from time to time to raise their elbows, as we say, and the symposium was indeed nothing but a topers' reunion. Likewise, the Humorists were inclined to joke. What, however, the Academy of the Precipitate, that of the Snowy or the Academy of the Flour-faced might get up to, who the deuce can know? What was the real vocation of the Abbreviators or the Neglected? How did the Equivocals manage to agree matters among themselves? And did the meetings of the Suffocated take place only in writing?
The mystery grew thicker when one realised that academies did not arise one by one but in groups; like contagions and diseases. Thus, within the space of a few years, there had arisen the Imperfects, the Inexperts, the Impetuous, the Incautious, the Incongruous, the Incompetents, the Ineffectual, the Inflammables and the Informals.
Fashions changed and it soon became the turn of academies inspired by sadness (the Debilitated, the Delicate, the Depressed, the Despised and the Disunited), by passivity (the Melancholies, the Malingerers, the Maltreated and the Moderates), by danger (the Ambitious, the Angry, the Ardent, the Argumentative and the Audacious) or by their very benightedness (the Occult, the Occluded, the Obstinate, the Otiose).
Silence was, however, almost total when it came to certain semi-clandestine academies. Perhaps these were destined to develop under water, like that of the Fluctuators; or perhaps even secretly to accept non-human members, like the most mysterious Academy of the Amphibians.
Not unnaturally, such fervid activity did occasion some expenses; however, a prestigious seat in some patrician palazzo, money for refreshments, for the printing of the best (of the rare) works written by the academicians, together with the extravagant (and somewhat less rare) junketing and festivities, were as a rule all bestowed by some benevolent patron, to whom the academicians dedicated their poetic, scientific or doctrinal offerings. Normally, this would be a cardinal or the scion of some wealthy family of the highest standing, when it was not indeed a pontiff who, for reasons of state or out of simple affection, took an interest in the arcane activities of this or that group of studious gentlemen. When the generous patron moved on to a better life, the academy, bereft of its benefactor, would typically opt for its own dissolution; as when the death of Queen Christina of Sweden in 1689 turned dozens, indeed perhaps hundreds of artists, musicians, poets and philosophers onto the streets. They all had to abandon Christina's palace on the Via della Lungara post haste and swiftly seek some other way of earning their keep. With the demise of their Maecenas, the ingenious activities of the Sterile, the Vague or the Aggravated Ones were all too prone to peter out; but their members usually belonged to several academies and kept on founding new ones. Human Knowledge was safe.
Whether they dealt in games for the bon viveur or serious scientific discussion, one thing was clear: Rome had become a unique Universal Forum for Chatterboxes, in which at least one of the noblest of human faculties was guaranteed ad libitum, talk, talk, talk. It goes without saying that the speaker of the moment would set forth the most high-flown concepts and the most learned of meditations.
I was just thinking that I would, that evening, be attending such an event: a series of discussions for the finest and most select wits, held by academicians invited to the Villa Spada for the express purpose of enlivening the conversation, in whose presence I expected that I would, in all humility, have to struggle from beginning to end to keep myself from yawning. Matters, however, went somewhat differently.
Hardly had I donned my daytime uniform when a familiar voice caught my attention.
'We are terribly late, the guests are waiting! And it should be nice and warm, not all murky and muggy! Did you add almonds, hazelnuts and orange water? And half an ounce of carnations?'
It was Don Paschatio, who was rebuking two of the Steward's assistants for what he saw as the mediocre quality of the chocolate. The two stared at him with insolent, bovine eyes, as though he were some silly old uncle.
'Mmm…' said Don Paschatio, raising his eyes to heaven as he licked a finger coated with chocolate. 'It seems to me that he has forgotten to add the two reals of aniseed. The Steward! Call the Steward!'
'To tell the truth… He has taken half a day's leave,' said one of the assistants.
'Leave? With the guests still arriving?' exclaimed Don Paschatio, growing pale.
'He said he was offended by your latest reprimand.'
'Offended, says he… As though a Steward had any right to take offence,' he moaned disconsolately to himself. 'It no longer counts for anything to be Major-Domo. O tempora, o mores!'
He turned around suddenly and saw me. His face lit up.
'Signor Master of the Fowls!' he exclaimed. 'How very fortunate that you should be here, at the service of the most noble House of Spada, instead of shirking your duties like so many of your fellow servants.'
Before I could even begin to answer, he had placed a heavy silver tray in my hands.
'Take this tray. Let us at least make a start!' he commanded the other two.
So it was that I found myself holding up with the tray a great jug of fine pink-onion-coloured porcelain full of hot chocolate, surrounded by twelve clinking cups, as well as little jars of vanilla to sweeten the bitter potion. As I set off, I found before my eyes the lovely undulating buttocks of a Diana, painted on the jug, who with her bow and quiverful of arrows was chasing through the woods some poor stag destined for the spit. With the cups tinkling against one another, I was already entering the great salon on the ground floor of the great house where the shade extended calm to fugitives from the heat of the day, inviting palates to enjoy the exotic refreshment.
Once I had made my entry into the great hall, I found before me a scene very different from that which I had expected. There was in fact no academy whatever. Or, to put it better, no orator was to be seen, as the tradition of intellectual confraternities demands, before an audience of silent and absorbed listeners. The salon was full of little groups of guests, randomly gathered: some standing in tight knots, others seated in a semicircle; while yet others wandered around, congregating then going their separate ways, greeting the new arrivals and attending first to one speaker, then another. It reminded me of those clouds of summer gnats which one sees against the light in clearings; they seem at first to form a community, but when one looks more closely, they turn out to be nothing but a mass of chaotic singularities.
One could, however, hear outbursts from the liveliest speakers who, before that undulating and disorderly sea of heads and bodies, discoursed upon the immortality of the soul, the movement of the planets, the latest maps imported from the New World and the antiquities of Rome.
All that great conflation of scientific and philosophical discourse, amplified by the echo of the huge room, blended into a dense, milky cloud in which it was possible to distinguish only one or two sentences at a time.
'For, as Jovius opined in Book Four of his opus…' one pedant was proclaiming to my left.
'Thus, as it is written concerning Dionysius of Halicarnassus..' some eloquent fellow was opining to my right.
'Your Excellencies cannot be unaware that the sublime doctrine of Aquinas…' bellowed a third speaker.
In actual fact, no one was listening, for in Rome they assemble for no purpose other than vain chatter as a pretext and garnishing for food and drink. Romans have always been inclined to judge human events by the immemorial measure of the Roman Empire or by the eternal paradigm of the Catholic Church. Erroneously believing themselves to have title to those temporal or spiritual powers, of which they are merely adventitious offshoots, they end up by regarding all matters quotidian as less than nothing, and look down on all things from on high.
Atto came to meet me, perfectly at ease in the midst of that bedlam of noise and confusion.
''Tis ever so: they all eat and drink and no one listens,' he whispered in my ear. 'And yet there's a Jesuit behind those people,' said he, pointing towards a nearby group, 'who is holding forth in a most interesting discussion concerning the problem of obedience to or rebellion against princes. Quite in vain, for they are all talking with their neighbours about their own little affairs. 'Tis quite true, if the Parisians meet a strumpet, they take her for a saint and go down on their knees before her. As for the Romans, if they meet a saint, they take her for a strumpet and ask her how much she wants.'
Hardly had I shown my tray and laid it on a serving table in order to fill the cups than a crowd of gentlemen flocked around me with jovial exuberance.
