cliff yesterday, I don’t feel an overriding sense of fear. I’ve survived worse already, and I can suffer the thorns and branches of this forest.
At one point, I hear a rustling below me, and I see a small rabbit caught under the pressure of a branch that my boot has just landed on. It is enough to pin the white rabbit into the snow, where she must have hidden herself. Her reddish eyes shine at me. I see terror, but I also see food.
I reach into the pocket of my coat and pull out one of the climbing sticks Paul carved for me the day before. I can feel the rabbit squirming even more. She must sense my thoughts, I think. She must know I aim to kill her and eat her. The thought of it makes my mouth salivate with hunger. I press down as hard as I can with my boot and I hear a little screech.
I raise the stick in the air and I plunge it into the neck of the rabbit and blood spurts out onto the snow. It struggles wildly for a second and then it lies flat. I reach inside my pockets and pull out one of the plastic bags we’d taken to keep stuff dry. I pick up the rabbit and toss it into the bag. I look at the blood on my hands and remember the day when my own blood covered my hands and arms. I did try to kill myself, I think. I’ve known the answer to Old Doctor’s question all along: The first time I tried to commit suicide wasn’t just a practice run. It was a step on a ladder. Dark seeds had been planted long ago on that Christmas Eve; and with each daydream and thought and, eventually, my practice runs, I climbed closer to killing myself. Had I not dreamed of copying my father or made those small cuts that first day, I could not have gotten on that plane with a handful of pills.
But I guess the opposite is true too: had I not taken that first step, I would not be who I am now: a fighter. I make a small promise to tell Old Doctor just that if I ever get out of here. “But why? That’s the question,” he’d say.
My thoughts are interrupted by a bloodcurdling yell, followed by a heavy thud. My adrenaline spikes and I run as fast as I can, crashing through the brush. A thorn rips across my face. I feel blood drip down my face and I lick it instinctively. It is salty and thick with iron.
I’m listening for Paul but hear no further screams or movement as I fight through the thick brush. A pricker bush hidden in the middle of the patch grabs hold of my jacket and yanks me back. The fabric tears, and I stop and slowly disentangle myself. The thorns lie deep in the shell. As I pull them out, feathers and stuffing follow. It takes more than a minute to pull free of everything.
Once free, I step backward out of the bush and move around it slowly, careful not to snag my jacket again. I push through a small clump of baby spruces, and that’s when I see what Paul did not: a hidden drop of about twenty or thirty feet. The jagged edges of the snow cover below betray what must be a bed of stones at its base. My knees buckle, and I have to reach out and grab a tree to keep myself from falling.
Paul lies on the ground below, his body twisted in an unnatural way. He must have come through the bushes too quickly and missed the drop they concealed. The snow can play tricks on your eyes that way, leveling out the dips and drops. White on top of white becomes a constant. And eventually, if you’re tired or distracted or both, the ground blends into a smooth, flat landscape.
“Paul!” I scream. My voice echoes through the valley. He lies like a dead deer next to a pile of stones. Blood is splashed brightly against the snow. I look down at his lips and hands and boots, but there’s no movement at all.
“Paul!” I shout again. The silent, lonely echo reverberates around the valley bottom and back again.
I look left, then right, and find, not more than seven feet to my right, a steep but manageable path down to where Paul lies. The randomness of it all, our crash, our survival, the near misses climbing the cliff the day before, and now the single misstep that caused Paul to fall fifteen feet into a bed of rocks, defies logic. There’s no rhyme or reason to life, despite my deepest hopes that I’ll find one. Why wasn’t his jacket caught in the prickers like mine? Was he careful to avoid them and now lies dead because of it? Why didn’t I die?
I scurry down as fast as I can, reaching Paul in a matter of minutes.
I pull off my gloves and touch his face with my hands. Warm. I feel his neck for a pulse and then place my index finger beneath his nose. Warm breath flows onto my fingers. I lean down and kiss his head.
“Paul,” I say, gently slapping his cheek.
He stirs but looks glassy-eyed and dull, like a baby who has eaten too much sugar.
“Paul!” I shout at him. “Can you hear me?”
His eyes focus a little and I stroke his hair.
“What happened?” His question is more a croak.
“You fell.”
I sit back on my knees and look down at his body. His right arm is bent backward. My stomach twists at the sight of the unnatural line of the bone. I have to put my hand up to cover my mouth. There’s nothing there, but my muscles strain to release drips of bile.
“Fix me?” he says calmly. “You can do it; I’ll show you.”
I’m not sure what to do, but I nod assuredly. “Of course.”
“Find two straight branches, very straight. No, make it four. And give me all your sleeping pills or whatever you were taking. The ones you were going to kill yourself with.”
I hesitate for a moment and then reach into my pockets and pull out whatever is left. It is a good pile: enough to knock somebody out for a long while. Not enough to off him, but probably enough to get through whatever we have to get through.
I hand them to him and I remove a bottle with melting snow from underneath my jacket. He opens his mouth and I pour a bunch of pills onto his tongue and then help him as best I can with the water. A lot of it spills, which pains me, but I ignore it and slowly he swallows the pills. He falls back and groans from the pain, and I realize that’s my signal to find the branches.
I look around and realize Paul’s fall has brought us to the base of the bridge that connects the two valleys. If Paul can survive this, we are close to making our way home. We have to survive, I tell myself.
The woods are thick, but not impenetrable. Breaking off the branches from a live tree proves to be difficult for me. Some of the branches are too thick and provide too much resistance and the very breakable ones are simply too thin to serve as splints.
I walk into the woods, looking for fallen trees or branches. Fifty feet in, I look back and realize I am farther away from Paul than I’ve been since the ascent. My boot prints disappear under the shrubbery. I think of shouting to him, but I realize I’m on my own at this point. It’s up to me. He will need me now to leave this valley.
I stop for a moment and take stock of everything. I close my eyes and try to imagine the trail back to Paul. I know where I am, I think. I open my eyes and kneel in the snow, looking at the trail of steps I have just taken, and I visualize myself walking back to Paul.
I keep moving forward until I find a clearing with a fallen pine. It looks like it has been lying here for a while. I walk to the top end, where the branches are younger and thinner. I break off four sturdy branches and head back to Paul, following my prints, still fresh in the snow.
I think about one therapy session with Old Doctor when the trees were just beginning to bud, so it must have been early spring.
“You like to read, Jane?” Old Doctor asked.
“Yes, but not if you tell me what you want me to read.”
“I see. I’m the same way.”
“Good.”
“But,” he mumbles.
I couldn’t take it. “Always a ‘but’ with you people. I wish you would just say what you want to say. Always a bait and switch. I’m just like you, BUT. I like movies myself too, BUT…” (Of course, this was early on, before I got the hang of what was needed to manage Old Doctor.)
“You’re right, Jane.”
“But? Come on, what’s the BUT?”
“No, no. You’re right.”
We sat there staring at each other for about a minute, maybe two, and I waited for his qualification. I thought if I spoke, he might be able to dodge it and make his point with some other turn of phrase. If I waited, I knew, he would undoubtedly provide it.
“Emerson believed that all the human world could be explained, in Nature, if one sat long enough, patiently enough, with enough focus and insight to pull the lessons from beneath the hard bark of an old tree.”
